The Opera House

perhaps its self indulgent to say that I am going through somewhat of an identity crisis resently. but really I don't know what an identity crisis is. and really I don't like the concept of identity. I never did. I remember in eighth grade we had to write a peice on who we are with some stupid mandala theme to it and I was pissed off. I mentioned it to eva, she was too, said that truly who knows who they are at this age. that wasn't my beef. its more like when adults would tell kids there are no good and bad people just good and bad actions that people do. thats just it. at thirteen I believed that personality was more or less an ilussion, a patter people make to make their actions more predictable to others. i am not a shy person I said I act shy a lot but other times I don't. I am not a nice person I said I try to be nice as much as possible but I've done some pretty cruel things and so have you and everyone else.

diana said this summer after I said something self deprecating that I act the same around everyone, which is good, and that she herself doesn't. I could have laughed. I definatly don't. but more what she ment is that I act how I feel always and don't (except ocasionaly) sell myself short or act for someone elses benefit. this is true to an extent I guess, though at pratt I do feel like I've been half living and half expressing myself and have being true, but otherwise. I have wild inconsistantcys. I act cute around Jackie a lot for the most part but this is not I think an act its more I think cutesy things around her because its fun to and because I do like thouse things i'm just not able to indulge in them around most people. and I act crazyer around adrian, and calmer around adam and more bombastic around cj and more painfuly depressive on my own, I act like humpry bogart around lilian and neil gaiman around emily and calvin from calvin and hobs around mary and in my head i am neil cassady and so on and on and in all it seems to me sometimes that I have twenty different personalitys and thats ok, or more than ok. exept right now. because I want to be so many people right now. Its not working. Its driving me mad. Its making me feel like I'm lying and selling myself short on all ocassions. its making me feel like a cheater and a crook and its causing a good deal of unceasing noise in my head. perhaps I need to settle on one personality. perhaps I need to stop being so obsessed with myself. probably. I don't know.

which is how we feel most of the time

Olympians

Open mindedness is killing us.

I wrote an artical last semester for english class about rockism and poptimism and how their both compleatly flawed and how sasha frere-jones is an ideot and in my conclusion I said look, music is amazing, its brillient, the most brillient form of media ever invented, probably that ever will. it can make you laugh and cry and dance and sing at the top of your lungs like noones listening, it can make you shout and break down and feel ten thoulsand emotions that you always felt but could never put your finger on, it can make you feel less alone, it can blow your mind, it can change your life. DON'T EVER THINK MUSIC IS NOT IMPORTANT. and to say it is not worth discussing and arguing about is pretty flawed aswell. I said some music is better than others. there is such thing as good music and bad music. but this cannot be locked down, it can not be catigorized, it cannot be made into a science. therefore you cannot say one genre is better than another. thats just blatent obvious bullshit. rock is not better than hip hop. some rock is better than some hip hop. some hip hop is better than some rock. some classical is better than some electronic music, some folk iss better than some jazz. this can go on forever. I said THIS CAN ONLY BE JUDGED BY EACH PERSONS SUBJECTIVE AESTHETIC AND EMOTIONAL PREFERENCES. and ofcourse it is only natural for a person to prefer one genre over another, thats ok. to say its necceceraly better that all other genres, probably not ok.

All this is important because so many people, in order to not be a rockist, in order to have an open mind, have blown open all the doors, will no longer make a distinction between good music and bad music. They'll take the 50 cents along with the Biggie Smalls, they'll take the Britney Spears along with the Lady Gagas, its all esentialy like taking the Courteeners along with Radiohead, not distinguishing between the two. And so are music becomes muddied with crap, theres no distiction, no importance put to the sounds passing through our minds in the name of keeping it open.

This goes further. Ethan, of course, has always been the prime example. In the name of an open mind he makes no disticion between what is good and what is bad. It's just the way it is, or its just the way he is, thats always his excuse. As a result he never made an effort, as me and adrian did, to curb his overly timid tendancys. Thats just who I am he said, who says its a bad thing. Nothing to curb his sloth or self delusion and now nothing to curb his excessive pot smoking. There is no good and no evil, no right and no wrong.

I can't remember what the topic was but it was something me and my older sister was talking about but she was making one of her psudo-snobby observation on some world issue and I told her thats horrible. I mean, thats horrible. she says she isn't making a judgment, just an observation, its not her call to make and i said no, this is not it, this is creating wrong, there is a judgement to be made and she said no. no judgment, no right no wrong.

Buisnessmen use elaborate reasoning and hipsters use complex forms of irony and art students use high rationilization but there is a right and a wrong. there is good music and bad music. there is a good and evil and just because its hard to pin down and just because its compleatly subjective and just because it varys, rightfully so, from person to person does not mean it doesn't exist. though unquantifyable it is still real.

of course, don't get stuck, don't be a dick, don't disregard other people's opinions, they have a right to their own subjective good and bad. keep an open mind, just not to open.

ok lets talk about magic

The Glow, Pt. 2

Something has gone despratly wrong in my life. I find myself compleatly apathetic to the people around me. Mostly my fault not theres. I am not myself. i am not there. I cannot figure out how to become myself again. Ontop of that I find myself continuously and increasingly detatched from my friends back home. how is it that I no longer respect emma esper? how is it that when I saw her over break all I could think about was rates of decay? how is it that my and jackie no longer seem to have anything to talk about? what happoned to ethan? in my life I am smoking too much pot drinking to much acohol, smoking occasional cigarettes, everything I used to hate and lets be honest still to an extent hates. I am not taking care of my body. I am eating crap. MY MUSIC SUCKS. i am not making films. I am listening to disorganized crap, things I probably wouldn't like on my own but friends sugested and I don't want to seem like a dick by not listening to. truly I am a dick or a hypocrite with music. i have been trying to listen to pop and hip hop becasue yes I know its an asshole thing to disrespect them i know and i know truly there is a lot a lot of good there and to ignore that would be to ignore a range of human emotions. and you see when in a social place and people ask me to put on music I don't want to put on my 'difficult indie and electronic' music becase noone wants to listen to it and so I put on music that i don't want to listen to or i put on my music and feel like I desprately have to defend it. no one wants to listen. I am not made for this. my grades are slipping. so is my sleep. I am spending my time by myself on the computer. I think mostly about girls. About girls who want to sleep with me who I want to sleep with but really don't want to sleep with and won't. about other girls who don't want to sleep with me and really I don't want to sleep with eather, but I think about them anyway. about diana who thinks I am an asshole which is probably a good thing of her to think. I hate myself. I never hated myself before, even during times where to be honest I was a rather hateable guy. now I hate myself. what the fuck an I doing? what the fuck am I doing?

my blood flows harshly

This Must Be The Place

Just to keep with my habbit of posting everything I've writen that I'm proud of up here, this is the second part of my aplication for tranfer to SVA.

Open with a close-up of the turntable spinning as Zach's hand places the needle on the record. A mid-sixties Coltrane song plays at an extreme volume. The camera stays on the turntable while we hear Zach return to the couch. Cut to a shot from Zach's perspective where we get a sense of the garage, packed with clutter and boxes. The garage door opens, and it's so bright outside, it blows out the camera momentarily. We're only able to see Adrian once he closes the door behind himself.

Cut to a wider angle still, from the room's back corner. We now see both characters. Zach stumbles to his feet to turn down the stereo as Adrian grabs two sodas off the dresser.

"Hey," Zach says, almost as an afterthought.

Adrian hands Zach a soda and sits down on a chair to the couch's right. The camera begins to slowly dolly around the characters, giving us, for the moment, a view of Zach's face and Adrian's back. Adrian says, "Hey, how was your flight?"

Zach collapses into the couch. "Horrible." He closes his eyes. "I'm back now, though. It's great seeing you again."

By now, the camera's in front of the characters, a medium two shot. We have a full view of Zach's face; his sunken eyes, caused by sleep deprivation. Adrian can't help but notice.

"Yeah, no joke." They sit for a minute, sipping on the sodas. Zach closes his eyes. Adrian shifts in his chair.

Adrian breaks the silence. "Look, are you alright? Should I leave?" The camera begins to hesitantly cut between two over-the-shoulder close-ups.

After a beat, Zach says "I'm good, really," he smiles, opens his eyes. "That's..."

"That's the least convincing thing you've ever said?"

Zach sinks further into his seat and stares back downwards. "Yeah. Sorry."

Adrian hesitates, then sits forward, "Hey, man, um," pause, "have you spoken to Jen?"

"Um," says Zach, "yeah, I have. She's, um-" He leans forward, rests his head on his hands, his elbows on knees, stares at his feet. "She said she'd stop by later."

Zach plays with his soda cap. Adrian looks at Zach, disapprovingly.

"Zach."

Cut to a close shot of Zach's hands, between his knees, playing with soda cap, his face off the frame. It stays there as he says, without looking up, "No. I mean, it's fine. We're over it. I mean, we're all over it."

It cuts back to the close two shot of them. "No," Adrian says. He stands up, his head now above the frame. "I mean, fuck." He turns away. "Fuck!"

After a moment, he falls to his seat. Zach looks down.

They sip their sodas and listen to the record.

"Is this Coltrane?"

Zach shrugs.

"You're always listening to Coltrane."

Zach says nothing.

Cut back to the view of the garage from the couch. The spinning record is in view on the frame's left side. The massive garage door dominates the right side. Above Coltrane's desperate screech, we hear them shifting in their seats but we cannot see them.

Eventually, the garage door opens, again blowing out half the frame. Cut to an unsteady handheld position behind Adrian and Zach, before we can see who's entering. Zach stands, leaving his soda on the ground. Jen walks into the garage wearing red, one-piece pajamas. She hugs Zach.

The handheld camera moves around the couch to get closer to the figures, the open garage door still burning a painful light in a portion of the screen.

Jen is smiling widely. "Hey!" she says, looking at Zach.

Zach smiles back, suddenly energized, "How's it going?"

Jen lifts a couple sodas off the dresser. She walks back to the couch, the camera walking with her. Jen says "Adrian," and nods at him, cheerfully. The camera pans around to see Adrian raise his soda bottle in reply.

Zach returns to the couch. Jen stands in front of the stereo. The camera, still in the unbroken handheld shot, moves far to the side so that Zach and Jen are in the foreground, Adrian seated in the background. Behind Jen, a small portion of the open garage door remains visible.

"How was your flight?" Jen asks.

Zach smiles. "It was alright." Adrian looks down, shrinks back in his chair. Zach says, "What are you wearing?"

Jen laughs, "Well, it's obviously a onesie. I just bought it."

"That's awesome!" says Zach, enthused.

"I know!" She looks into Zach's eyes, says, less cheerfully, "You look like you haven't slept in two days."

"Yeah, well-" Zach looks away. A moment passes.

"Well, I just stopped to say hi, and drink your soda. I'm heading home," She looks at Zach, "But

we definitely have to hang out this break."

"No kidding," Zach says. Jen moves towards the exit. Adrian gets up, follows her. The camera also moves to follow, staying close behind Adrian. Over his shoulder, we see her exit into the extreme light. Adrian closes the door behind her. The camera cuts back to its stationary position behind the couch. Zach is, again, sunken into the couch, playing with the cap. Adrian walks over, doesn't sit down. He just looks at Zach.

Cut to a close-up of Zach, uncomfortable, not looking up at Adrian. "Dude, I'm..." He looks up.

"What are you doing?"

Cut to a two-shot from besides the characters, they just barely fit in the frame.

"I'm waiting for her to turn the corner outside," Adrian says. No one says anything for a few bars of music.

Zach begins, "Dude, I'm really sorry, I..." Adrian punches him in the nose and walks out of the frame. Cut to a close over-the-shoulder shot of Zach, who reaches his hand to his face. He pulls it away to see a trickle of blood on his fingers. The camera cuts back to behind the couch, the door just closing behind Adrian. Coltrane blows on his saxophone like a man on fire.

"Fuck!" Zach shouts. Cut to black.

never for money, always for love

No Epiphany

A thought on that levi's jeans comercial "go forth".

We are probably all at this point at the concensis that it is compleatly amazing, but we can't really think of it that way. Mostly its because its an add, its selling something to us, but really up front that was ok with me. Ryan McGinley made it and I saw it as just, well, he found a way to have someone paying him to make his art. And to get mass exposure, so that was cool. On top of that levi's is a company I like. I've worn levi's jeans all my life, my favorite pair currently is a dark blue of theirs. I also associate them with a jew in the san francisco gold rush, as bay area as sour doe bread. They were the less facion centric more roughing it jeans. I also have some respect for good comercials, thinking that our world is filled with adds, they pay for free tv and cheeper subway trips and all sorts of other things, and so if they have to be there anyway they might as well be beautiful

Parker didn't like the add because he now associated levis with hipsters, as they tend to co-opt anything that was at one time working class. He saw the add as a hipster add, and its quoting from walt witman only made it worse.

But really the only one that got to me was Jackie. She said don't you understand this is marketed twards us. To US. We didn't think we were a demographic at all, we tried to exist outsie the whole corprate add audience, as independants who buy things because they are good, not cause of marketing, who cannot be targeted. And we were targeted. This is an add that apeals destinctly to us and just us. And that is truly chilling. scary really. I don't know what to think of it. I'm going to keep buying levis (well, if I can ever aford them) but it is unsettling, they have the key, they found a hole in our armor that we didn't want to be there.

And as much as I try to be understanding and openminded and inclusive I cannot deny advertisments are evil. They are manipulative lying things that make you believe you have to buy certain products to have a certain identity. Axe deoterant is a fine example, it smells good. it smells pretty great if used in moderation, girls like how it smells. Except only fratty type guys use it because its marketed to them. If your a guy with a suit or someone who likes to concider youself evolved or sensitive you wont use axe. Because you don't want to appear fratty. Thats maketing getting to you. This is true of everyting

the body spins but i stay the same

Angel Echoes

There was a post I did last febuary durig a bad time in my life called hours where I talked about a mid-twentys panhandeler who set up near me street preforming and saped all my buisness and was generaly a creep but a harmless one though at one point he told a passing girl "smile, you're beautiful" and instead of scoffing or whatever as was expected she did infact smile and I thought damn and thought a lot about beauty after that.

For my NYU transfer app I have to write a story of something that happened to me and how it changed my life. Last year I wrote a long winded just generaly horrible essay on my first day in new york. this year I was thinking of writing about that pan handeler. I talked to my mom about it and she thought that was wrong. "I can't think of any moment that effected me really, not anything to tell a story about." she said what about 9/11. I said what do you mean? 9/11 didn't effect me, it never really did. it was just something else that happened in the news to me when I was in fifth grade. Besides I knew more people were killed by lightning and all that. Mom said, no I mean, when I think of you I think of when we were in temple soon after and we all said the morners kadish for all the people who died i the towers and planes and I looked over at you and said, at least now we can feel the world is morning with us, we are not alone (dad having died three months previous) and you said 'why would that make me feel better?' you said 'everyone being sad just means more people sad, that makes me feel worce' you said 'i think I would rather be sad alone if it meant everyone else was happy' and thats was a major moment for you in my mind, for an eleven year old to say something like that.

I said, you have to understand, that was a non issue for me, thats how I felt. Its just how I felt, there was no relivation. I formed that idea a few years before, if you want to pinpoint the moment of transformation. we were getting in the car after going grocery shoping or somthing, I couldn't have been older than nine, probably younger. dad and joy not there because whatever, I got in the front seat, tova made a fuss. she was good at making fusses when she was younger. she said its unfair, she wanted to sit in the front. she couldn't, she had to be six or younger so she was too small. so the fuss went on until I had to sit in the back along with her. And i thought, she should have let me sit in the front, because then there would be more happyness. I'm all for fairness but not if you have to pull someone down. fairness is fine if there is, say, two chocolates and instead of one person having both they split it up, each having one. same about of happyness, split up. fairness is not alright if instead of one person having two, both people decide to have non. that ends with two less happyness. I thought of this sitting in the back of the car on the ride home wile hating my sister. by the time 9/11 came around it was a obvious de-facto beliefe for me, i didn't really think about it.

all the truning points in my life as far as how I view the world are mondain and introspective and thats fine but I have nothing to write the essay about. This is how I work I guess and I don't know.

there is love in you

4

Its been a long time since I thought about philosophy. I've defined myself as a Nihilist for about a year and a half now, or something like that, and that was good enough for me. I could believe in nothing, breathe easy, be free. But Adrians been bringing it up again and been getting on my case for being a solid Nihilist, it isn't what I think it is he said, that I am infact an absurdest. So I finally did some research and, of Wikipeadia, found this chart:

(Simplified) Relationship between existentialism, absurdism and nihilism

	Atheistic existentialism	Theistic existentialism	Absurdism	Nihilism
1. There is such a thing as meaning or value	Yes	Yes	Yes	No
2. There is inherent meaning in the universe (either intrinsic or from God)	No	Maybe, but humans must have faith to believe there is	Maybe, but humans can never know it	No
3. Individuals can create meaning in life themselves	Yes, it is essential that they do	Yes, but that meaning must incorporate God	Yes, but it is not essential	No, because there is no such meaning to create
4. The pursuit of intrinsic or extrinsic meaning in the universe is possible	No, and the pursuit itself is meaningless	Yes, and the pursuit itself may have meaning	No, but the pursuit itself may have meaning	No, and the pursuit itself is meaningless
5. The pursuit of constructed meaning is possible	Yes, thus the goal of existentialism	Yes, thus the goal of existentialism	Maybe	No
6. There is a solution to the individual's desire to seek meaning	Yes, the creation of one's own meaning	Yes, the creation of one's own meaning before God	Yes, the acknowledgement and embracing of absurdity	No

If anything, I probably fall closest to Atheistic Existentialism here but there should be a fifth row called "Stuarts current thoughts". 1. would be left blank, 2. No, 3. left blank, 4. No, 5. left blank, 6. No.

In recap, I have no idea if meaning exists. I'm not even sure what "meaning" means anymore. My persuit of anger and passion and truth, does that constitute as a "meaning of life" for me? What about other cases? is an asshole who decides his goal in life is to fuck as many girls as possible creating his own meaning? I'm convinced there is no intrinsic absolute purpos to exsistance, and thats all I know. And really, I do want to go around to everybody talking about signs and portents or patterns and religion and astrology and yell at them "IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL" and I want to go around to girls and people I hate or want to forget and shout "YOU DON'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL"

And also when it comes down to it I don't believe in anything. I don't believe in anything. and I don't believe it matters that much.

there is love in you