Mind's Eye

Its crazy to think that I want to be depressed. And when I'm happy I'll swear to god that happy is the only way to be but when I'm down I don't see how I could be up. Because I know that my happiness is just increased avoidence. That to be up is just to keep busy and keep my mind on other things. And wile I enjoy it more I know its just deceiving myself. And that wile I'm killing myself when I'm depressed I see clearly and I know the truth and maybe that is more important.

I can see forever


Chemical World

Never read an entire book in one night. I have this tendency to do it often, usually about once a month. All it takes is a small burst of insomnia and a really really good book. Most recently, the night of memorial day, it was Phonogram, a comic book, maybe 200 pages, a one hour read if you take your time. It took me three hours, I slaved over every word. Its not a depressing book. Angry? yes. Obsessive? possibly. but not depressed. I've read it twice since. And somehow last tuesday I was off my up swing, angry, bordering on rage even, bitter, sarcastic, brooding, down. Insomnia. 'How come I end up where I started?' a radiohead lyric.

in a chemical world
its very very very cheap


Swords of Truth

An old guidance councilor trick is to ask "if you had a billion dollars, what would you do with your life". And your supposed to say "I would be a doctor", or "I would build skyscrapers." I would buy stuff. First music. Everything. I would own more than amoeba records and spend all day listening. Then movies and spend all day watching. And I'd buy a library and all day reading. I'd build a sound proof studio and spend all day making music. I'd spend my mornings in cafes, my nights at concerts, and my days with friends. And I'd never never work.

I'm writing on airwaves, I'm writing on the air, I'm writing on your memory


Archive of Pain

I have nothing but empathy. And in the day light I see you or anyone and thats my sister (brother, whatever) and shes the man. And did you know if she had to she would go to hell for you. And shes in this life alone where noones giving her a break and she thinks no one understands. But I understand and I may not know you but your my friend and I love you. But come night I see you and I know you. And you think no one understands but I understand you. And I know that you would fuck me over if you had the chance. And I see you lie and I see you cheat and I see you play your friends for nothing and I get you. And I hate you and I hate everything you stand for. Everything you've ever touched. And as you reflect on me I hate me.
But I guess I feel that way about everyone.

nail it to the house of lords
you will be buried in the same box as a killer