Its been a long time since I thought about philosophy. I've defined myself as a Nihilist for about a year and a half now, or something like that, and that was good enough for me. I could believe in nothing, breathe easy, be free. But Adrians been bringing it up again and been getting on my case for being a solid Nihilist, it isn't what I think it is he said, that I am infact an absurdest. So I finally did some research and, of Wikipeadia, found this chart:

(Simplified) Relationship between existentialism, absurdism and nihilism
Atheistic existentialismTheistic existentialismAbsurdismNihilism
1. There is such a thing as meaning or valueYesYesYesNo
2. There is inherent meaning in the universe (either intrinsic or from God)NoMaybe, but humans must have faith to believe there isMaybe, but humans can never know itNo
3. Individuals can create meaning in life themselvesYes, it is essential that they doYes, but that meaning must incorporate GodYes, but it is not essentialNo, because there is no such meaning to create
4. The pursuit of intrinsic or extrinsic meaning in the universe is possibleNo, and the pursuit itself is meaninglessYes, and the pursuit itself may have meaningNo, but the pursuit itself may have meaningNo, and the pursuit itself is meaningless
5. The pursuit of constructed meaning is possibleYes, thus the goal of existentialismYes, thus the goal of existentialismMaybeNo
6. There is a solution to the individual's desire to seek meaningYes, the creation of one's own meaningYes, the creation of one's own meaning before GodYes, the acknowledgement and embracing of absurdityNo

If anything, I probably fall closest to Atheistic Existentialism here but there should be a fifth row called "Stuarts current thoughts". 1. would be left blank, 2. No, 3. left blank, 4. No, 5. left blank, 6. No.

In recap, I have no idea if meaning exists. I'm not even sure what "meaning" means anymore. My persuit of anger and passion and truth, does that constitute as a "meaning of life" for me? What about other cases? is an asshole who decides his goal in life is to fuck as many girls as possible creating his own meaning? I'm convinced there is no intrinsic absolute purpos to exsistance, and thats all I know. And really, I do want to go around to everybody talking about signs and portents or patterns and religion and astrology and yell at them "IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL" and I want to go around to girls and people I hate or want to forget and shout "YOU DON'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL"

And also when it comes down to it I don't believe in anything. I don't believe in anything. and I don't believe it matters that much.

there is love in you