Two things. First, because I don't think I can say it again as well:

jambaswirl (2:10:35 AM): existence
jambaswirl (2:10:37 AM): ergh
SollyS3 (2:10:44 AM): ha
jambaswirl (2:12:29 AM): everything is speculation
jambaswirl (2:12:29 AM): fuck it
jambaswirl (2:12:31 AM): lol
jambaswirl (2:12:34 AM): ...gar..
SollyS3 (2:35:43 AM): everything is esentialy meaningless
jambaswirl (2:36:05 AM): saying that is the most useless thing in existence because you attach meaning to things
jambaswirl (2:36:08 AM): and that's all that matters
SollyS3 (2:36:14 AM): I know
SollyS3 (2:36:20 AM): thats definatly true
SollyS3 (2:36:28 AM): but its more like
SollyS3 (2:37:00 AM): I'm feeling right now the meaning I attach is hollow
jambaswirl (2:37:14 AM): owned
SollyS3 (2:37:21 AM): dude
SollyS3 (2:37:27 AM): dirty projectors
SollyS3 (2:37:29 AM): godly
SollyS3 (2:39:12 AM): it just feels like I'm artificialy attaching meaning to everything where meaning isn't implicit
jambaswirl (2:39:39 AM): i feel like
jambaswirl (2:39:45 AM): when you think something is meaningful
jambaswirl (2:39:51 AM): you'll naturally apply meaning to it
SollyS3 (2:40:08 AM): yes
SollyS3 (2:40:31 AM): thats kinda my whole nihilist view
SollyS3 (2:40:48 AM): things are meaningful becasue we make them meaningful
SollyS3 (2:40:58 AM): they don't start that way by themselves
SollyS3 (2:41:54 AM): but what if I'm apllying meaning where I don't actualy think there is meaning
SollyS3 (2:42:23 AM): like when you listen to bad music
SollyS3 (2:42:29 AM): and convice yourself its good
SollyS3 (2:42:55 AM): really I'm just thinking about the notion of love
SollyS3 (2:43:15 AM): and something I herd someone say once
SollyS3 (2:43:41 AM): about how being in love with someone has to do with a need they fulfill in you
SollyS3 (2:44:23 AM): and when they stop fulfilling that need then the love is no longer there
SollyS3 (2:44:44 AM): and I think thats kinda true
SollyS3 (2:45:00 AM): but if it is
SollyS3 (2:45:06 AM): then theirs no real love
SollyS3 (2:45:17 AM): because then all love is condisional
SollyS3 (2:46:12 AM): and so you meet someone and you think, shit, I feel this way and it means we're conected
SollyS3 (2:46:26 AM): and from the nihilist point of view it does mean your conected
SollyS3 (2:46:34 AM): because you've asigned that meaning to it
SollyS3 (2:46:58 AM): but even though you have
SollyS3 (2:47:08 AM): that conection holds no weight
SollyS3 (2:47:21 AM): becasue its just there because you say it is
SollyS3 (2:47:32 AM): and it can blow away like the wind
SollyS3 (2:48:17 AM): the shins have this line "do afections fade away? or do adults just learn to play the most rediculous repulsing games?"
SollyS3 (2:48:29 AM): and that is paramount in my mind resently
SollyS3 (2:48:46 AM): like its screeming in there ocasionaly
SollyS3 (2:48:56 AM): "DO AFECTIONS FADE AWAY?"
jambaswirl (2:52:56 AM): lol epic
jambaswirl (2:53:54 AM): i think
jambaswirl (2:53:58 AM): that this will make you happy for a while
jambaswirl (2:54:00 AM): 
SollyS3 (2:55:45 AM): um
SollyS3 (2:55:46 AM): yes

Second is the other song I wrote the other day:

Never meant for you to follow
found a place where you would never see me
You'd never guess just how proud you would be

I'm gonna laugh until tomorrow
Just gonna take it, my love, its easy
Could not belive how much, my love, its so easy!

Aw don't you think you took too much?
You thought you didn't need a bit of luck?
Maybe you should shake it out, my love
Or have you lost the touch?

Were you ever really right?
I want you to tell me that its all alright
How does this play into your grand insight?
Oh won't you ever fight?

Oh my love are you really there?
It wouldn't do for you to view this gently
Yes that sounds lovely but would you like to try me?

But I really was nowhere
Maybe its time for you to grasp at threads
Do you think it all just could be in your head?

Aw don't you think you took too much?
You thought you didn't need a bit of luck?
Maybe you should shake it out my love
Or have you lost the touch?

Now were you ever really right?
I want you to tell me that its all alright
How does this play into your grand insight?
Oh babe, it might be your night

just this last time


Fucked For Life

Yes I have been posting too often. No, none of you (three now I think) probably check this often enough to catch all the posts. I don't really give a fuck. I mean, most of the posts are just me indulging my anger and frustration and all that shit and are probably unsuited for anyone else to read anyway. Thats ok. I need to get it out. 

Anyway. I didn't sleep last night, semi insomnia semi willfully. Instead I rode the subway all around trying to write songs and draw some interesting doodles and then busked at fourteenth street in the early morning. The doodles sucked and I have something to say about that but I'll say it later. The songs, luckily, didn't. Which is to say I haven't put them to guitar yet so I don't know but the songs in their platonic for seem good to me. Heres one. Unfortunately it has heavy Deerhunter influence when it plays in my mind but hopefully when I solidify the melody and a guitar part I can ebb that out.

Lifted my breath off my lungs
In front of everyone
God is that land you won

Lifted my breath off my lungs
In front of everyone
God is that land you won
Down by the sea

Lifted my head off my tongue
I don't know anyone
Hell is the life I won
I don't know anyone
I don't know anyone

Its a disease
Down with the sadder trees
Down with the sadder trees
It might be just what I need
I can't hear you stealing me
God just takes whatever he needs
God just takes whatever he needs
God just takes whatever he needs
It doesn't have much to do with me
It doesn't have much to do with me
It doesn't have much to do with me at all

Lifted my breath off my lungs
In front of everyone
In front of everyone
In front of everyone...

all in a series of futures


Stabbed in the Face

I feel so fucking useless right now. So fucking useless. Nothing has any meaning.
Kurt McRobert is only four years older than me and is my hero right now.

you can be me when I'm gone


Styrofoam Boots/It's All Nice On Ice, Alright

A coherent post this time, I promise. When it comes to musicians I like, individual ones not bands, they are generally separated into two categories. The ones I believe are human and the ones I don't. Don't get me wrong here I know they're all humans but some of them have either intentionally or naturally put out a persona thats absolute. That is somehow larger then human. To the extent it gets hard for me to imagine them as real, as a thing outside of their recordings and shows and interviews. Bob Dylan in my mind is not a person, hes a specter, and apparition. If I some how actually met him, to shake his hand and exchange a few words, I don't know what I would do. I would run and hide because I'm sure that man doesn't really exist. Others in this category are Jack White, Lou Reed, James Mercer, Beck, Jeff Magnum, Johny Greenwood, Thurston Moore, Charlie Parker and a few others. The other categories are the ones who are very human. The ones I want to give a hug and tell them that I understand. Ones who, as the cliche gos, I would like to sit down and have a beer with. Issac Brock, Alex Turner, David Berman, John Lennon, Thom Yorke, Elliott Smith, Kurt Cobain and others. I understand. You are all perfect in your humanity. 

well I'll be damned, you were right


Little Cream Soda

I JUST SPIN IN CIRCLES. I just spin in circles. All my goddamn revilations are meaninless because they don't push me forward. They don't push me forward. i'm still here. Things aren't going to chance. Same as it ever was as david Byrn would say. SAME AS IT EVER WAS. Ahhhh. I only like people when their down. When their more then down. Because a lot of people can be down in a self indulgent way. the fishing for compliments kind of low self esteem. No I'm talking about broken down. Break down to build up. when people are broken they have something else. a kind of humility thats amazing. aA kind of serenderance. Its all truthfull and all. I don't know. Adrian shows it better. I fuckin love adrian. hes the best guy I know. By a good goddamn margin too. Break down to build up. I haven't hit bottom yet but you can bet your ass I'm trying. No, I'm not trying. I want to go back up. but I'm heading twoards the bottom anyway. No I'm not. I just go in circles. I just go in circles in circles in circles all the goddamn time. I'm here again. same as it ever was. I don't know. thats all I goddamn know. I don't know I don't know. I'm done . I'm done. I'm done. I've got this ideal inside of me and we're all just noting at all.

but with every chance to set himself on fire he just ends up doing the same thing