Favorite Thing

my favorite cd player broke in december. the one I use now has a weeker preamp. my headphones have lower then standard sensitivity. I like siting on the floor of my apartment listening to music because its the only way I can turn it up until my ears hurt.

bar nothing

No Pussy Blues

yesterday, or maybe the day before, or maybe the day before that. It could have been anytime really... I couldn't sleep but I was really trying but I had this song lyric that shot into my head and I opened my eyes to find they had ajusted enough so I could see what I was writing just by the pail light that came from the street lamps coming in through the crack between the end of my curtain and the end of the window. and in a daze I stumble for a pen and my notebook and I scribble it down and then I stop dead. The light glansing off the edge of the paper and spilling on to my hand as if it was water was... it was the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time. and I just sit there. and I look at it. and I look and my camera it just out of arms reach. and it has no film in it anyway. and there was not enough light to begin with. and if I used the flash it would ruin it all. so that meant the moment I moved my hand or my body this would be gone. I will be the only one who ever sees this. and the once I moved I would never see it again. and I liked that somehow. and I sat there for a half hour staring at the edge of the paper and my hand holding it. and then I got up to get a glass of water. and no one will ever see that again.

that I must above all things love myself/that I must above all things love myself/that I must above all things love myself


No Children

yes I am going to continue to write posts about music in specifics until my blood shot eyes obssesiveness dies down. Right now I hope it never dies down. But I Think it will. just what I think

I barly know the Manic Street Preachers for music. This is because cheep used copies of either Generation Terrorists and The Holy Bible in the United States are, as far as I'm concerned, non-existant. But I love them. Mostly for their concepts. Relese one record. Pakage it in a sandpaper sleave. Sell more copies then Apitite For Destruction. Through it all away. One album. Then brake up the band. The sandpaper will destroy not only the records stored next to it, but also the record inside the sleaves. If everything went corectly they would gain a mass folowing and in a years time there would be no trace of their existance at all. 

They were lieing. It was always kind of the point. Don't you get it? That was always kind of the point. 

I love them because Richey James Edwards probably did nothing musicaly for the band exept write some of the lyrics and pretend to play guitar, or other times not even pretend to play guitar. I love that when a reporter questioned their authenticity he took a knife and carved 4real into his arm and had to be rushed to the hospital. I love that richey was the messia to a lot of people. I love "We will always hate Slowdive more than Hitler". I love everything about their ideals and the fact that they were never going to stick by them and the fact that they knew that from day one. I love how one day Richey left or killed himself because it seems like that was the only apropriate thing for him to do. 

Keiron Gillen said to just go buy a copy of "No Children" and listen to it 40 times a day 80 times a day if your at the terminal point in a rellation ship. But Keiron Gillen says a lot of things. I mean, ok, he is the reason I know about the Manics in the first place and, yes, I do bace my music jornalist aproach on a manefesto for video game jornalism of all things he wrote a few years ago and, sure, the whole reason I'm in this obssesive state can be tacked back to being all his fault. But still. There is nothing redeaming about Take That and Radiohead is brillient any way you slice it. But...

I listened to "No Children" 40 times today.

I'm going to listen to it 40 times tomorrow probably.

and maybe the next day.

do you self a favor. or maybe it might not be a favor but whatever. Listen to it. It should start playing when you load this page. scroll up on the playlist and play it again.

I hope you die! I hope we both die! 

I want to shout that from the mountain tops. I want that to be the words on my toumb stone. I this song to narrorate my life for ever. I want to shout that from the mountain tops! I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE WE BOTH DIE! Goddamn!

just listen to the fucking lyrics of that song please.

in my life I hope I lie and tell everyone that you were a good wife


Live Forever

I am obssesed with britpop. Not obssesed like... well I use that word a lot. Usualy I use it to mean I'm passionate about something. I am obssesed with the hitchhikers guide to the galexy, that kind of thing. With Jack Keroack's On The Road, with Portishead's most resent. But I'm obssesed with this actualy. Like I was for two weeks about easter island in fourth grade, like with The Beatles for a month in eighth. Like I stay up at night because I'm thinking about movents in pop music culture. About voids and bands filling it. About Dionysus and Apollo the pros and cons of narcissism, radiohead or blur or suede or oasis. About weather to be what Nirvana wanted to be or what he became and why he killed himself. About "John and I littearly used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool.'" About movements like watter in the underground and the mainstreem. About no one likes the Arcade Fire about how no one takes the Shins seriously. About Jarvis Cocker who is not Jesus but has the same initials and seems like the only actual human in the whole fucking world

I am a man of Apollo. I've always taken pride in that but its not something I created. Its my base instinct. Its what I snap back to in times of stress no matter what. My older sister is basicly of Dionysus in the same way. Thats why I have chosen the underground over the world of pop why I have chosen post-punk over new wave over metal bangers not anthems blur over oasis pulp over all. Individual over comunity. Grunge over Britpop. And all I've wanted to be for these years was an undergrond sucsess. I wanted to be Pere Ubu, not The Clash. I wanted to be The Velvet Underground, not The Rolling Stones. I wanted to be Bob Dylan, not the Beatles. 

But now I want to be better then the Beatles. 

Now I want to be Suede, I want to be Oasis. I want to live for today and delude myself that today is what there is. I want to love myself and the people around me because they're good enough so I'm gonna goddamn pretend we are perfect. I want to ware two thoulsand dollar suits and smash my guitar into my amp every goddamn nice. I want to take it as far as I can and make sure I end with enough money to buy a good pair of shoes for my funeral. I want music you get caught up in compleatly. I want to set fire to the graves of every band that ever played a note of progressive rock. Because this is my life man, this is MY LIFE. This is all I have. I don't get to look back after I've gone and say 'well that man did a good job of sticking to his pricipals and is a good example for the next generation'. I don't give a fuck about the next generation. If the world falls apart a year after I passed, well, its sure as hell better then it falling apart a year before I go. I want to look out across manhattan as I cross that bridge and I know that it is my kingdom. I want to fucking live forever. I want TO FUCKING LIVE FOREVER. 

maybe i just want to breath maybe i just dont believe