I'm trying to explain to her that I don't look down on people with tastes other than mine, that I almost admire them. that who am I to think less of someone because they like to be entertained by their entertainment? that they like their films and music to work with their life not for their life to work for their music and films and books. that they like to have fun and not worry about anything other than the mass of things they already have to worry about. How can I think less of them?
its just -
I am not them. did I used to want to be them? maybe briefly. middle school was hard you know. I still envey them. but I like my life. I like how I live. theres nothing wrong with it. I am not going to try to be them.
and its just -
if I seem begrudged its because there is only one of me and many of them. and because I came to new york and to art school to try to find more people like me. because traditionally thats where you went to find them. and shit its cool that art school is no longer full of pretentious pricks I guess but - - Where do I look now? whats my next option? there are no artists in the art scene. there are no artists in the underground music scene. there are no artists in the film scene. the art scene resents artists. independant music and independant film now resents artists. where am I suppossed to look?
I walk into a fruit store and the halls are filled with vegtables. I look dissatisfied. The clerk scoffs at me, angry, righteous. What, do I have a problem with vegitabels? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is it that I find fruit so supirior?
No, i wave my arms in the air trying to explain. No! I love vegtables! They are amazing! without them all my favorite food would be gone! Its just - I was looking for fruit right now! I haven't had any in a while! And if the fruit store no longer sells any than where am I supposed to go? Where am I supposed to look! Will I never taste fruit again!
not that she believes me. or cares. keep running.
at least you know that's what i'm good at
6 days ago