Don't You (Forget About Me)

Me and diana had a conversation about the differences between. depression and melancholy and despair and that place past the blues (here) and how my god we each miss being melancholy. melancholy can be cool and feel conforting and romantic and it can be productive with art even though it tends to take over your life, that is comforting for some fucked up reason. Today I am melancholy for the first time in over a year and a half. I'm ok with this but I still feel... you know.

I fear growing old. I fear growing in general. I fear me in two years being a compleatly different person and looking back on this entry and thinking how fucking stupid I was, just like I do now regarding the me of two years ago. I fear the los capmesions line "resigned that our parent's intrests will one day be our own". I don't want my parent's intrests, I want my life to be shitty forever.

All my life I've wanted to be in love. I wanted to consider myself a hopeless romantic. I wanted to sweep some poor girl off her feet and spend my days agonizing over poems for her because that was the only thing I could do to express how I felt though I would know I could never express it right because I am not a good enough poet. I've never been in love. I've never had my heart broken. Any wounds I have suffered have been more or less superficial. I've never even been close. I don't know if I believe in love. Its the last thing I don't know if I believe in. I am through with internal debates about everything else. I don't believe in anyof it else. I want to believe in love but I don't know. I want to be in love but I am not. I wrote an essay in nineth grade about Holden Caulfield and how and how much he was let down by people, and that his dissatisfaction with the world was not because of something inside him some inner termoil but because of one person after another letting him down. I am really bad at writing essays, I was much worse then, but I knew that point and I didn't think anyone else was feeling it, was pulling for holden. He's alright hes just where he was. They thought he was an asshole, hes not. I still feel that. That let down. He was ok. But I don't think Holden will ever go around falling in love either.

I'm feeling like this and I feel detatched. I don't care. "Richard said withdrawl in disgust is not the same as apathy" He's right. I'm not apathetic, but my detachment now is differnt from my resent situation where I am to angry to care. I'm just... you know

melancholy. I'm so glad to be back here again though. Please stay this way please stay this way please stay this way please stay this way

try to pretend