16.3.10

The Opera House

perhaps its self indulgent to say that I am going through somewhat of an identity crisis resently. but really I don't know what an identity crisis is. and really I don't like the concept of identity. I never did. I remember in eighth grade we had to write a peice on who we are with some stupid mandala theme to it and I was pissed off. I mentioned it to eva, she was too, said that truly who knows who they are at this age. that wasn't my beef. its more like when adults would tell kids there are no good and bad people just good and bad actions that people do. thats just it. at thirteen I believed that personality was more or less an ilussion, a patter people make to make their actions more predictable to others. i am not a shy person I said I act shy a lot but other times I don't. I am not a nice person I said I try to be nice as much as possible but I've done some pretty cruel things and so have you and everyone else.

diana said this summer after I said something self deprecating that I act the same around everyone, which is good, and that she herself doesn't. I could have laughed. I definatly don't. but more what she ment is that I act how I feel always and don't (except ocasionaly) sell myself short or act for someone elses benefit. this is true to an extent I guess, though at pratt I do feel like I've been half living and half expressing myself and have being true, but otherwise. I have wild inconsistantcys. I act cute around Jackie a lot for the most part but this is not I think an act its more I think cutesy things around her because its fun to and because I do like thouse things i'm just not able to indulge in them around most people. and I act crazyer around adrian, and calmer around adam and more bombastic around cj and more painfuly depressive on my own, I act like humpry bogart around lilian and neil gaiman around emily and calvin from calvin and hobs around mary and in my head i am neil cassady and so on and on and in all it seems to me sometimes that I have twenty different personalitys and thats ok, or more than ok. exept right now. because I want to be so many people right now. Its not working. Its driving me mad. Its making me feel like I'm lying and selling myself short on all ocassions. its making me feel like a cheater and a crook and its causing a good deal of unceasing noise in my head. perhaps I need to settle on one personality. perhaps I need to stop being so obsessed with myself. probably. I don't know.

which is how we feel most of the time

2 comments:

Adrian said...

you are sooo overanalyzing it. i doubt you have multi-personality disorder or anything, so it's probably more of a 'people adapt to different circumstances by acting differently, which is what you are doing' concept.

it's not up to you to be who you are, it's up to the people around you. it's not like your intentionally lying to them about your personality man. you're just circumstantially talking about or showing parts of yourself that are make sense in (any given situation). if you give it some time i'm sure you'll find people where you don't feel like you're selling yourself short,even if you do act differently around them than towards yourself or me and so forth.

and there's nothing wrong with that, you said it yourself.

Sticky said...

of course I don't have multiple-personality disorder, I didn't mean to insinuate that I thought that. and yeah, its just the problem that who I am right now seems to be up to the people around me. I think of people like parker who acts pretty much exactly the same in any situation, not that hes going to discuss the same things with everyone, but his manner and (for lack of a better word) personality stays solid. I've never wanted to commit to one way of acting because its kinda limiting (also because I am insecure) but now I'm finding that this way of just showing one aspect of myself per situation is less about being multi-faceted and more about me conforming - selling myself short. And i was musing that it might be beneficial for me to atempt to settle with one way of being, at least for now. of course, I'm not sure if I really want to do this, nor if I even have the ablity to, but the lack of solidity in my personality is causing me a good deal of grief right now, and thats what this post was about.

That being said, these posts are getting more and more 'middle school' recently and I need to stop spilling my guts without thinking, like in this post. Its embarrassing to look back at the next day, and its irritating for you to read. I'm sorry.