I Luv the Valley, OH!

I'm. gonna try. to nullify my life. A lyric from the song 'Heroin' by the velvet underground. Heroin is still one of my favorite songs. it still has untold impact on me. and it falls into a weird catagory of art or a weird emotion along with fight club and hemmingway and trainspotting and noise music and a few others is about the curious humman need to feel emotions more. when we are up we want to be walking on sunbeams and when we are down we want to be so down. we want to hit rock bottom and keep on going and never come up for air. we want to choke ourselves and bash our heads through walls and make other people hate us and make us hate ourselves and be cacofony and destruction for ever and ever amen. we want to nullify our lives. and I used to think, idont know, i used tothink there was something to this. taht this was pure and passionate and I still think thats true but not with the same certainty as before

i encountered a strange case. through using tumblr i found, actualy a wile before i got my own blog, a girl probably four or five years older than me maybe more and when i first found her site there were mostly posts about sonic youth and sort of depressed wanderinglost short writings about her life and some fightclub-nihilism stile other images and posts. but mostly posts about sonic youth. and so whatever i got to school and didn't have a computer and fell out and all then in october i got an acount and started folowing her and in the last month there was a shift. I don't know her so i don't know what happoned to her or if the sonic youth think was just a momentary fasination or anything at all but she delved down into superficiality. manny formsprings were posted calling her hot and she posted more and more, questions were posted and she responded in the crassest manner, as a result the questions got more and more crass. someone asked what her favorite style of porn was and she said interratial gangbang, someone asked where they could find that and i forget if she posted a link or told them just to surch the internet its not to hard. more pictures of herself and storys about cocaine and talk of boyfriend and miniscule instances in her day to day

and i realized she is trying to nullify her life. but in the oppisite way as i would imagine and it was disgusting to me. so i don't know anymore. perhaps people were right and guitar smashing waists a guitar and destroying youself is just a pointless waist of yourself but I don't know. in a way i don't like that view because it is like growing old. i am to young to grow old and i really really truly hope i die first. I don't want to lose this. this passion. i want to be crazy forever I WANT to be crazy forever but i fear i may just be crazy

all of my thoughts have been in girls for the past week and a bit mainly because seeing diana was probably or maybe not stupid of me and threw me into depression and this summer we used to argue about the difference between the sexes and i was on the position that we are alike and what people see as differences were exagerated and used as excusses and she said no we are so far apart we will never understand each other and though i still think i understand girls mostly - see where their motives are, empathise easily, dont think they're quite so crazy as other guys do - i am starting to think we are very differant. girls really do hate guys, mostly for absolutely fucked up stupid reasons, and i resent being hated. it feels like adults hate the young - how girls hate boys.

and i don't like that opinion either, i liked the summer one better. and really i just like who i was this summer and i feel all the ways i've grown away from that have been negitive though perhaps pulling me closer to the truth i don't know.

i am also just lonely. really lonely and really needing some girl to try to love for a bit. i haven't felt this way really at least not like this for a long time. maybe since the eighth grade. i keep finding new things to miss and want, new little things that drive me crazy about them. putting your arm around a girl when you sit on couches. her breath on you when you hug. her laugh with eating ice cream. how she pauses to take her glasses off when you start kissing. how its just whatever when you do something crazy and spontainious with a friend but its so easy and so amazing to do anything spontainious when your with a girl you like. these little things are going to drive me insain. i am lonely but i hate girls.

i won't rest until i break it