Angel Echoes

There was a post I did last febuary durig a bad time in my life called hours where I talked about a mid-twentys panhandeler who set up near me street preforming and saped all my buisness and was generaly a creep but a harmless one though at one point he told a passing girl "smile, you're beautiful" and instead of scoffing or whatever as was expected she did infact smile and I thought damn and thought a lot about beauty after that.

For my NYU transfer app I have to write a story of something that happened to me and how it changed my life. Last year I wrote a long winded just generaly horrible essay on my first day in new york. this year I was thinking of writing about that pan handeler. I talked to my mom about it and she thought that was wrong. "I can't think of any moment that effected me really, not anything to tell a story about." she said what about 9/11. I said what do you mean? 9/11 didn't effect me, it never really did. it was just something else that happened in the news to me when I was in fifth grade. Besides I knew more people were killed by lightning and all that. Mom said, no I mean, when I think of you I think of when we were in temple soon after and we all said the morners kadish for all the people who died i the towers and planes and I looked over at you and said, at least now we can feel the world is morning with us, we are not alone (dad having died three months previous) and you said 'why would that make me feel better?' you said 'everyone being sad just means more people sad, that makes me feel worce' you said 'i think I would rather be sad alone if it meant everyone else was happy' and thats was a major moment for you in my mind, for an eleven year old to say something like that.

I said, you have to understand, that was a non issue for me, thats how I felt. Its just how I felt, there was no relivation. I formed that idea a few years before, if you want to pinpoint the moment of transformation. we were getting in the car after going grocery shoping or somthing, I couldn't have been older than nine, probably younger. dad and joy not there because whatever, I got in the front seat, tova made a fuss. she was good at making fusses when she was younger. she said its unfair, she wanted to sit in the front. she couldn't, she had to be six or younger so she was too small. so the fuss went on until I had to sit in the back along with her. And i thought, she should have let me sit in the front, because then there would be more happyness. I'm all for fairness but not if you have to pull someone down. fairness is fine if there is, say, two chocolates and instead of one person having both they split it up, each having one. same about of happyness, split up. fairness is not alright if instead of one person having two, both people decide to have non. that ends with two less happyness. I thought of this sitting in the back of the car on the ride home wile hating my sister. by the time 9/11 came around it was a obvious de-facto beliefe for me, i didn't really think about it.

all the truning points in my life as far as how I view the world are mondain and introspective and thats fine but I have nothing to write the essay about. This is how I work I guess and I don't know.

there is love in you

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