I don't know how I got through this year. It's been so harsh, and I remember thinking nearly every day about killing myself. I lost my trust in my closest friends. I lost my dream apartment. I was homeless for three months (albeit glorified homeless). I've been so poor, I've let so many people down, left so many things unfinished. Things are looking up. Aviv is almost on it's feet, I have a job, a network of support, huge social status. But it's kinda crazy once you start thinking of things in the binary of suicide. I have all of this, but do I want to keep living? Do I want to go through it? i could fight every day and probably (hopefully) come out better for it. But do I want to? Everything feels like so much of a struggle, and I am so damn tired of the struggle. I used to think you'd get used to it eventually, figure out how to be in a calm stasis, but every accomplishment, every time I've overcome a barrier, there's another harder one behind it. And I think about opting out, almost every day. I do. I am so much older than I ever thought I'd be, and things feel so much harder now than they were before - though I know this is just perceptional. Everything will always feel so much harder, and I need a break. Not the kind that sends me into a self-defeating spiral of inaction, but a real break.
and my thoughts stick like dust
5 weeks ago