Something has gone despratly wrong in my life. I find myself compleatly apathetic to the people around me. Mostly my fault not theres. I am not myself. i am not there. I cannot figure out how to become myself again. Ontop of that I find myself continuously and increasingly detatched from my friends back home. how is it that I no longer respect emma esper? how is it that when I saw her over break all I could think about was rates of decay? how is it that my and jackie no longer seem to have anything to talk about? what happoned to ethan? in my life I am smoking too much pot drinking to much acohol, smoking occasional cigarettes, everything I used to hate and lets be honest still to an extent hates. I am not taking care of my body. I am eating crap. MY MUSIC SUCKS. i am not making films. I am listening to disorganized crap, things I probably wouldn't like on my own but friends sugested and I don't want to seem like a dick by not listening to. truly I am a dick or a hypocrite with music. i have been trying to listen to pop and hip hop becasue yes I know its an asshole thing to disrespect them i know and i know truly there is a lot a lot of good there and to ignore that would be to ignore a range of human emotions. and you see when in a social place and people ask me to put on music I don't want to put on my 'difficult indie and electronic' music becase noone wants to listen to it and so I put on music that i don't want to listen to or i put on my music and feel like I desprately have to defend it. no one wants to listen. I am not made for this. my grades are slipping. so is my sleep. I am spending my time by myself on the computer. I think mostly about girls. About girls who want to sleep with me who I want to sleep with but really don't want to sleep with and won't. about other girls who don't want to sleep with me and really I don't want to sleep with eather, but I think about them anyway. about diana who thinks I am an asshole which is probably a good thing of her to think. I hate myself. I never hated myself before, even during times where to be honest I was a rather hateable guy. now I hate myself. what the fuck an I doing? what the fuck am I doing?