Travel Song

what a few days. goddamn. I want to write that post on talent, I've been meaning too for, what, three weeks? something like that. It's not in me today thought. insomnia is killing me but its a great creative tool i think. I wish I could play guitar now, the whole complex would probably yell at me though.  what am I saying? what am I trying to say? I think I'm having a breakdown but oddly. stop-start. mostly in the mornings. well the afternoons. I don't even know mornings anymore. the evenings and even through the late nights I'm together.and its slow or not slow but continueous. three weeks I think since my stolen spot and the nine i hate everything days with adrian. I hate how fragile I have become as if anything can tip me over into this altered state where my mind is not my own of depression anger dread stress and withdrawl. FUCK. was this a mistake? I mean. Why am I here? would I be breaking down in california? my mom says I would be. and what happons when I have broken down copleatly? shoudln't I gain acceptance? bottom out like I hope? or will I continue to break apart at the begining of all my days 

we're just held together by calenders and sex

Fiery Crash

Stayed up all last night for the third time in two weeks, and thats after going almost a year without. This insomnia is killing me. I know its as a result of my stress but its quickly becoming the main artical of it. anyway at 4:30 in the morning when it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to get any sleep I was full of all sorts of goddamn angst. I have a couple ways to deal with that. One is talking to someone but everyone on both sides of the country was asleep or going to be real soon. Another is playing guitar real loud but the rest of the apartment complex wouldn't apreciate it. The third is, you guessed it, a mix tape. Didn't take the nessesary steps when making it because I didn't give a damn at that point so there are some volume issues, but it meant it took me half the time to make the tape. Used three tracks from daytrotter because its now my primary sourse of new music in my curent personal finacial crysis. I then recorded it from the cassette onto the computer. So, for anyone interested:

Side A

Side B

(1pm: my fucking stereo recever broke. Compleatly. Six hundred fucking dollars down the drain there. Fuck this day)

Mix 3/10/09

Side A

2:45am - Elliott Smith

World At Large - Modest Mouse

Fiery Crash - Andrew Bird

Searching for Mr. Right - Young Marble Giants

Activa - Deerhunter

Laughing - R.E.M.

Just Like Honey - The Jesus and Mary Chain

Side B

(She's in a) Bad Mood - Sonic Youth

Dub Housing - Pere Ubu

The Sound of Settling - Death Cab For Cutie

Only One Who Knows - Arctic Monkeys

Where is My Mind? - Pixies

Sludgefest - Dinosaur Jr.

Fucked For Life - Dirty Projectors

Turn On Me - The Shins

something apropos, I don't know

Hours

I was busking yesterday at my secondary spot, my best one stolen a week and a half ago and I was making no monney. I was making no monney primarily because of dutch. dutch was a panhandler not the starving war veteran with children panhadler the mid twentys high on life among other things cardbord sign asking for pot monney half empty flask of liquor in pocket ("my sixth today""fuck man, how are you still standing?") kind. he was alright which is to say a creep and a moron but layd back and blissed out. he told me his friend was the drumer for dream theater and he could get me recorded. yeah yeah thanks. he sat not to far from me because he liked my music. great. people were symathisers with his cause and gave him monney or were not amused by him and thought the two of us were freinds asking for change together and passed over me. usualy I ask them to move I was here first after all and I'm actualy giving a service not just asking for charity but he was decent to me and realy far gone and I didn't have the heart. theres a point to this. I must have been in hallelujah which has become somewhat of my money song since I found I key that I can sing it like a kid out in the rain like paul mccartney in o darling and fuck I feel it and this chick walks by doesn't lift her head to me but well I'd been getting that all day and slick here looks up and shouts to be herd over me at that point to the woman Smile Your Beautiful and she does. don't get me wrong he want struck by something to say that he says it four more times before I left him. it was just part of his being a creep schtick and most of the subsequent ones flicked him off which is good I think fuck that guy but still that first one stuck me. Smile Your Beatuiful and she did and she was. its almost a cliche in music now post james blunt post everyother singer songwriter wanting to get laid the music tapes have it prominantly on a track and its contained in the track that I borrowed the title for this peice but I still like it. its still just the best thing you can say. you are beautiful. and even if your not beautiful you are beautiful. for ever and ever and ever and ever and

aimless and alive, broken and divine

Kracked

Two things. First, because I don't think I can say it again as well:

jambaswirl (2:10:35 AM): existence

jambaswirl (2:10:37 AM): ergh

SollyS3 (2:10:44 AM): ha

jambaswirl (2:12:29 AM): everything is speculation

jambaswirl (2:12:29 AM): fuck it

jambaswirl (2:12:31 AM): lol

jambaswirl (2:12:34 AM): ...gar..

SollyS3 (2:35:43 AM): everything is esentialy meaningless

jambaswirl (2:36:05 AM): saying that is the most useless thing in existence because you attach meaning to things

jambaswirl (2:36:08 AM): and that's all that matters

SollyS3 (2:36:14 AM): I know

SollyS3 (2:36:20 AM): thats definatly true

SollyS3 (2:36:28 AM): but its more like

SollyS3 (2:37:00 AM): I'm feeling right now the meaning I attach is hollow

jambaswirl (2:37:14 AM): owned

SollyS3 (2:37:21 AM): dude

SollyS3 (2:37:27 AM): dirty projectors

SollyS3 (2:37:29 AM): godly

SollyS3 (2:39:12 AM): it just feels like I'm artificialy attaching meaning to everything where meaning isn't implicit

jambaswirl (2:39:39 AM): i feel like

jambaswirl (2:39:45 AM): when you think something is meaningful

jambaswirl (2:39:51 AM): you'll naturally apply meaning to it

SollyS3 (2:40:08 AM): yes

SollyS3 (2:40:31 AM): thats kinda my whole nihilist view

SollyS3 (2:40:48 AM): things are meaningful becasue we make them meaningful

SollyS3 (2:40:58 AM): they don't start that way by themselves

SollyS3 (2:41:54 AM): but what if I'm apllying meaning where I don't actualy think there is meaning

SollyS3 (2:42:23 AM): like when you listen to bad music

SollyS3 (2:42:29 AM): and convice yourself its good

SollyS3 (2:42:55 AM): really I'm just thinking about the notion of love

SollyS3 (2:43:15 AM): and something I herd someone say once

SollyS3 (2:43:41 AM): about how being in love with someone has to do with a need they fulfill in you

SollyS3 (2:44:23 AM): and when they stop fulfilling that need then the love is no longer there

SollyS3 (2:44:44 AM): and I think thats kinda true

SollyS3 (2:45:00 AM): but if it is

SollyS3 (2:45:06 AM): then theirs no real love

SollyS3 (2:45:17 AM): because then all love is condisional

SollyS3 (2:46:12 AM): and so you meet someone and you think, shit, I feel this way and it means we're conected

SollyS3 (2:46:26 AM): and from the nihilist point of view it does mean your conected

SollyS3 (2:46:34 AM): because you've asigned that meaning to it

SollyS3 (2:46:58 AM): but even though you have

SollyS3 (2:47:08 AM): that conection holds no weight

SollyS3 (2:47:21 AM): becasue its just there because you say it is

SollyS3 (2:47:32 AM): and it can blow away like the wind

SollyS3 (2:48:17 AM): the shins have this line "do afections fade away? or do adults just learn to play the most rediculous repulsing games?"

SollyS3 (2:48:29 AM): and that is paramount in my mind resently

SollyS3 (2:48:46 AM): like its screeming in there ocasionaly

SollyS3 (2:48:56 AM): "DO AFECTIONS FADE AWAY?"

jambaswirl (2:52:56 AM): lol epic

jambaswirl (2:53:54 AM): i think

jambaswirl (2:53:58 AM): that this will make you happy for a while

jambaswirl (2:54:00 AM): 
"Parker: MY MOM JUST WALKED IN ON ME FAPPING"

SollyS3 (2:55:45 AM): um

SollyS3 (2:55:46 AM): yes

Second is the other song I wrote the other day:

Never meant for you to follow

found a place where you would never see me

You'd never guess just how proud you would be

I'm gonna laugh until tomorrow

Just gonna take it, my love, its easy

Could not belive how much, my love, its so easy!

Aw don't you think you took too much?

You thought you didn't need a bit of luck?

Maybe you should shake it out, my love

Or have you lost the touch?

Were you ever really right?

I want you to tell me that its all alright

How does this play into your grand insight?

Oh won't you ever fight?

Oh my love are you really there?

It wouldn't do for you to view this gently

Yes that sounds lovely but would you like to try me?

But I really was nowhere

Maybe its time for you to grasp at threads

Do you think it all just could be in your head?

Aw don't you think you took too much?

You thought you didn't need a bit of luck?

Maybe you should shake it out my love

Or have you lost the touch?

Now were you ever really right?

I want you to tell me that its all alright

How does this play into your grand insight?

Oh babe, it might be your night

just this last time

Fucked For Life

Yes I have been posting too often. No, none of you (three now I think) probably check this often enough to catch all the posts. I don't really give a fuck. I mean, most of the posts are just me indulging my anger and frustration and all that shit and are probably unsuited for anyone else to read anyway. Thats ok. I need to get it out. 

Anyway. I didn't sleep last night, semi insomnia semi willfully. Instead I rode the subway all around trying to write songs and draw some interesting doodles and then busked at fourteenth street in the early morning. The doodles sucked and I have something to say about that but I'll say it later. The songs, luckily, didn't. Which is to say I haven't put them to guitar yet so I don't know but the songs in their platonic for seem good to me. Heres one. Unfortunately it has heavy Deerhunter influence when it plays in my mind but hopefully when I solidify the melody and a guitar part I can ebb that out.

Lifted my breath off my lungs

In front of everyone

God is that land you won

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

Lifted my breath off my lungs

In front of everyone

God is that land you won

Down by the sea

Lifted my head off my tongue

I don't know anyone

Hell is the life I won

I don't know anyone

I don't know anyone

Its a disease

Down with the sadder trees

Down with the sadder trees

It might be just what I need

I can't hear you stealing me

God just takes whatever he needs

God just takes whatever he needs

God just takes whatever he needs

It doesn't have much to do with me

It doesn't have much to do with me

It doesn't have much to do with me at all

Lifted my breath off my lungs

In front of everyone

In front of everyone

In front of everyone...

all in a series of futures

Stabbed in the Face

I feel so fucking useless right now. So fucking useless. Nothing has any meaning.
Kurt McRobert is only four years older than me and is my hero right now.






you can be me when I'm gone

Styrofoam Boots/It's All Nice On Ice, Alright

A coherent post this time, I promise. When it comes to musicians I like, individual ones not bands, they are generally separated into two categories. The ones I believe are human and the ones I don't. Don't get me wrong here I know they're all humans but some of them have either intentionally or naturally put out a persona thats absolute. That is somehow larger then human. To the extent it gets hard for me to imagine them as real, as a thing outside of their recordings and shows and interviews. Bob Dylan in my mind is not a person, hes a specter, and apparition. If I some how actually met him, to shake his hand and exchange a few words, I don't know what I would do. I would run and hide because I'm sure that man doesn't really exist. Others in this category are Jack White, Lou Reed, James Mercer, Beck, Jeff Magnum, Johny Greenwood, Thurston Moore, Charlie Parker and a few others. The other categories are the ones who are very human. The ones I want to give a hug and tell them that I understand. Ones who, as the cliche gos, I would like to sit down and have a beer with. Issac Brock, Alex Turner, David Berman, John Lennon, Thom Yorke, Elliott Smith, Kurt Cobain and others. I understand. You are all perfect in your humanity. 

well I'll be damned, you were right