All Mine

Parker asked me if I had self loathing issues. Fuck. I said I didn't. And I said I didn't because generaly I don't. There was a good amount of time in my life that I had those issues a lot but with a few exceptions (hello febuary) that time has passed. I like who I am these days. I am ok with myself. I am who I want to be, well close to it at least. Making progress. Every couple months I look back, esspecialy using old blog posts, and think of how much of an ideot I was and everytime I do that I feel good because it means I've grone since then. And this is ok.

BUT

for the last four or five days I have hated myself. Because I am an asshole when I am with people. And its through making the joking remarks I always make and laughing about them but somehow without me noticeing they have become asshole remarks. These are because I do resent most of my friends and all of my family and this shity house and I do want to go back to new york. And this resentment makes me into an asshole. And worse then that for the last four days I know I am being an asshole wile it is going on but I don't stop and its killing me. I didn't mean for this to happen. And I don't see the solution right now but I do hate myself for it.

just know that I am trying.

you have to be

Two Weeks

I guess if the question is how long I can stand my friends and family in a straight line before the novelty wares off then the answer is one week. I'm trying to remember what I saw in these guys.

Perhaps I'm being harsh, I had a bad day. A bad day. I know that leaving for new york is and was just running away to try to escape my problems instead of facing them, but goddamn, it worked. and I think scraping these problems and these people was the only way for me to move forward. Right now I'm just holding on where I am for three people.

just like yesterday

Helpless

Someone asked me today if I still missed my father. I thought I should get down here my thoughts about that because as per my memory I have never discused my feelings there of with any of my current friends. And, hell, though I'm pretty sure all my friends know now for a long time a good deal of them didn't even know what had happoned to him, leading some of them to ask me about it as if it was some great secret that I might not tell them. Its not a secret. I just honestly don't think about it that much and even when I do its not a topic that comes along in coversation. But lets see if I can get this all out.

My dad was Burt A. Solomon and he lived from January of 1953 until June of 2001. He died of a single unpressedented heart attack. When it happoned he was sitting in his car outside of the theater inside of which me and my sister were rehersing for a play, peter pan. He was helping out back stage but had some time off between run throughs. He drove to get fast food for lunch and then parked his car to sit for a bit and play gameboy. I had introduced him to gameboy a few years before and he took to it during his train commutes to work until he soon surpassed me in many games. He was never hospitalized, had never had previous heart attacks, he was never in any pain, just here one minnute and gone the next.

How do I feel about this? Sad? yeah, but not that much. And it seems like many people are surprised to here this, that my spirits don't spontaniously drop when the subject is brought up, but instead I brush it aside and continue on with the conversation. But the thing is, I greived for him. I mean I GREIVED for him. For the next two years of my life it hung over my head constantly. To be honest, though I have a strong recolection of that entire general time, I have verry little idea what happoned for the rest of that summer. I was in a daze. It was surreal. To be that sad all the time was almost rediculous but I didn't understand how I could be happeir tomorrow then I was now if tomorrow my dad was still gone. But of course my life went on and school strted and such (a horrificly bad year for all sorts of other reasons) and I wasn't sad all the time anymore but it was still there. Still going on for me. My mom was verry clear that we had to feel this. That what we were going through should not be swept under the table or covered up. So I cried a lot. And I talked about it a lot. And I think that helped me a lot.

After thouse years passed I started to try to idealize him in my mind. Not because I felt there was any truth in that but I felt that it was the norm, for a boy to idealize his dead father, and I felt that adults expected it of me. I didn't sit and think this out obviously, it wasn't compleatly consious. Despite this I was never actualy able to idealize him in my mind. I knew my dad pretty well, probably better then most kids really know their fathers at that point in there lives, and because of that I knew him for a human being and was not able to think of him as anywhere near perfect.

And so, I don't know, I don't think about it that much. It doesn't occure to me to think about that much. I still miss him, but I miss him like I miss other things from that time. Like I miss my fourth grade intreations with my friends, like I miss being so short that the world seems like a never ending maze. But theres just not the forbearing sadness there once was, and thats good. I think his death has had an impact on me, but what had a greater impact was him and his generaly fatherly influence on me and then the sudden lack there of more then the shock and saddness of his passing. I'm not the same person I was then, not even remotely. I don't aspire to be my dad or be even close to what he was, except in a verry few aspects. And really, why I don't bring it up is because this seems out of the ordenary for people, and it takes too long to explain adequetly why I'm so ok with it. Its kind of strange, the whole time I was sad about it I just DID NOT want to talk to anyone about it. Every one was always asking me if I needed to talk about it and I just wanted them to go away, to shut up. Now I don't care to talk about it for a compleatly different reason. And thats all I have to say right now. 

and in my mind i still need a place to go

Dry The Rain

The Thing About Last Summer

and maybe I'm just mithoulogizing it or maybe its the truth and I'm just realizing it after this year has passed but there were these moments with people that it would be late at night and we'd be talking because I almost feel as though I did verry little that summer though all the hanging out except talk and there'd just be this second long where I'd have this feeling like this is it like it was comming together and I knew this person and I knew that they were my friend and that they were going to be my friend forever that we were bound together now and this was kind of a real intence thing for me a real personal deep moment I felt like Sal to Dean in On The Road that no matter how much of a jack ass dean is and no matter how much he fucks up his life and thouse around him because of how much they have gone through together and all the times they've had sal is bound to him and not in a bad way but they had the feeling that they were in this together well I had that feeling a lot last summer with a lot of people more then I thought I would have people who I looked down on or even thought were jackasses I felt intence link to and maybe thats one of the reasons the ten days in november felt so queer that I could see these people after having not talked to most of them since I left and it still be there do you know I feel me and richard are in it to the end that when I see him ten fifteen years from now we will still have that moment when we look each other in the eye and know that yes we are friends its odd not to say this happoned with all my friends but a lot and I just had sometimes this weird utopian feeling this I could do this forever just keep going and just staying up all night talking running back and forth drinking coffee and jamba juice making plans and not keeping them

and maybe it was emotions I had to have because I was leaving

Jackie said somthing last week about feeling like her old friends and not being able to relate because they were almost still stuck in high school and I see that when looking at her old friends and with some of mine (who are both literaly and mentialy stuck in high school) but I do also think I made better friends who maybe dont seem as intresting and maybe aren't as intresting but are so fucking human and unafraid that even through my ocastional looking down on them I don't think they're going to stop moving and even though next year I will meet lots of people who will also become eventualy linked to me in this way people who will be more intresting and more artistic and more adventureous and deep and intence then say aidan or richard or josh I doubt I'll ever think I've moved passed them in anything more then superficial ways

This is hard to see not really knowing them. The do look like ideots when you just know them a little bit. They aren't though

I want this summer to be like last except bigger more and more intresting and more artistic and more everything to kick start again the best fucking years of my life which will be better years then most people get to experience ever and to last for ever and ever and ever

and I really fucking miss Keely and Emma

a junk yard fool with eyes of gloom

New Shoes

Why have my last few posts sucked? Well. Its because right now I am happy, or at least genearaly content. The wether is nice, the sun is shining, and I am just enjoying things. This leads to much less interesting thoughts going through my head. In the beginging of Trainspotting he talks about when your addicted to heroin you only have one thing to worry about, scoring more heroin. When your off it you have all sorts of things to worry about. Your debt, your job, you family, your love life, so on so on. I almost feel that way about my happyness. When I am down there are all kinds of things I get upset over. All sorts of injustices, and sorts of things wrong with the world and myself and other people that my mind clings to. When I am up swing those things are still there and still worthy of getting upset over only I am just concerned with my happyness. Not that thats a bad thing, but I often feel that I find myself less intresting on the up and thus more inane posts here. But whatever. I am happy. Life is good. Fuck all else.

The first track of M83's Dead Cities, Red Seas, & Lost Ghosts album is called birds. It starts with a robotic female voice saying "Sun Is Shining, Birds Are Singing, Flowers Are Growing, Flowers Are Growing And I Am Flying" and then it says it again and then again and again as distorted electronic sounds build in the background until you can feel the voice shouting over them even though you know its not shouting over them its just an affectless voice with no varience. SUN IS SHINING, BIRDS ARE SINGING......

Here's a song who's lyrics I jotted down I don't know how long ago exactly that I just dug up.

Jodi says she's crying

But I don't believe it for one beat of her godforsaken heart

Jodi says she's dieing

Yeah I would take it all away but I just don't know where to start

If I slid right away from here

You know this time there'd be nothing and just all I'd miss is you

And you are nothing And all you mean is nothing

Take your laugh and your paste and all the sorry words that just never did come true

Jodi says she loves me

But I think by now she know that she is not IS NOT fooling anyone

And if there is a god above me

I'll laugh if he can tell me what I'm supposed to learn from this one

When I slide away from here

All my thoughts and my fucking logic will unfold and start anew

But you're inane! Your callous fucking games

Lose the lies that made you because the ink is starting to show through

slowly stroling in the sweet sunshine

American Flag

What if Jesus triped?

Would he hit the water as if it was earth?

Would he have gotten bruised up?

Would he get wet?

Would the spell suddenly break and leave him sinking?

Or would his feet stay afloat wile his body pushed through, leaving him to drown upsidedown?

if i could stand to be less difficult

Atlas

I am truly and deeply sory for this but it was stuck in my head the entire fucking day

the singer is a crook