and maybe I'm just mithoulogizing it or maybe its the truth and I'm just realizing it after this year has passed but there were these moments with people that it would be late at night and we'd be talking because I almost feel as though I did verry little that summer though all the hanging out except talk and there'd just be this second long where I'd have this feeling like this is it like it was comming together and I knew this person and I knew that they were my friend and that they were going to be my friend forever that we were bound together now and this was kind of a real intence thing for me a real personal deep moment I felt like Sal to Dean in On The Road that no matter how much of a jack ass dean is and no matter how much he fucks up his life and thouse around him because of how much they have gone through together and all the times they've had sal is bound to him and not in a bad way but they had the feeling that they were in this together well I had that feeling a lot last summer with a lot of people more then I thought I would have people who I looked down on or even thought were jackasses I felt intence link to and maybe thats one of the reasons the ten days in november felt so queer that I could see these people after having not talked to most of them since I left and it still be there do you know I feel me and richard are in it to the end that when I see him ten fifteen years from now we will still have that moment when we look each other in the eye and know that yes we are friends its odd not to say this happoned with all my friends but a lot and I just had sometimes this weird utopian feeling this I could do this forever just keep going and just staying up all night talking running back and forth drinking coffee and jamba juice making plans and not keeping them
and maybe it was emotions I had to have because I was leaving
Jackie said somthing last week about feeling like her old friends and not being able to relate because they were almost still stuck in high school and I see that when looking at her old friends and with some of mine (who are both literaly and mentialy stuck in high school) but I do also think I made better friends who maybe dont seem as intresting and maybe aren't as intresting but are so fucking human and unafraid that even through my ocastional looking down on them I don't think they're going to stop moving and even though next year I will meet lots of people who will also become eventualy linked to me in this way people who will be more intresting and more artistic and more adventureous and deep and intence then say aidan or richard or josh I doubt I'll ever think I've moved passed them in anything more then superficial ways
This is hard to see not really knowing them. The do look like ideots when you just know them a little bit. They aren't though
I want this summer to be like last except bigger more and more intresting and more artistic and more everything to kick start again the best fucking years of my life which will be better years then most people get to experience ever and to last for ever and ever and ever
and I really fucking miss Keely and Emma
a junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
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