solders of february

who was I talking to who asked me if I viewed music like photography or like film, and I said no! I view film like music. and I explained breifly my whole thing with the words viseral and intoxication and they thought it was all hella intresting, which was weird because I don't expect people to find it intresting like that. but you don't understand. I view everything like music. (it was henry, I remember) I view everything like music. becasue somehow I've found that we as a culture view music correctly, or at least the indie croud or at least the old post punk/indie punk/experimental rock crowd does. art without the pretence, that has to neccessarily sweep you away without you wanting it too, but is also depth and complex and true. like chris says, low art high craft, except this is high art, high art in low places. because anger is as important as sublime awe, but there are much much fewer statues in the met about it, sex is as important as intellectual contemplations and there deserves to masterpeices about it. And it needs to sweep you away, it's not something you breifly ponder or have as decoration, and if it compells you to treat is as such than it has failed. art should not be a part of your life such as your afternoon sandwitch or your coworkers anecdotes it should be life. and somehow people in certain spheres of music seem to recognize this, in ways no one seems to get about film or fiction or especially art. So I look at everything like music. everything should be like music. my life should be like music.

the recluse

I am never going to tire of lower case letters. Hillary asked me if I write poetry and i told her I didn't but I write an astonishing amount of songs that never get put to music, binding me to a meter that I feel is much needed, allowing me to break it only when doing something willfully irreverent becuase free verse read will not make someone uncomfortable but even a droped rhyme is offensive when sung, though I really often want to be offensive. but now I am reading a book Hillary demanded I track down and I've writen a short poem in iambic pentamiter of all things and I intend to write more.

more lyrics without music

this sprang into my head while blasting cat power in my headphones and walking to school yesterday.


well I talked to the devil and he lied to me
said that love would set me free
and pull me down to the burning sea
but instead it just purified my disease.

your face, you eyes, your lips, your skull, your bones
you cast my eyes away from me
you took my heart where no one goes
you said it wasn't all that bad
it's so bad but no one even knows
carry me half way down
cause it's the only place I want to know
no more milk white smile and crystal clothes
with crystal teeth and my eyes uncomposed
and clean floors of polished pearl, white luck, sit down, shut up
I want to feel concrete between my toes
I want the radiant solitary cry
but all I see my love just grows
keep away from me my love just grows

I saw the devil and he lied to me
said that love would set me free
and drag me down to the burning sea
but instead I find everything to be clean
instead I'm floating up and I will curse you
said devil pull me down I'd rather burn
said god please shake this love from me
this isn't what you said it'd be
it isn't what you said it'd be.

new song fragment

i actually wrote this the first time over the summer and have recomposed it several times, but this is the current version.

'shelter is not a sensation'

she said.

'at least not one you can plug

in the back of your head'

'I don't want warmth'

she said.

'I don't want food

I want to starve

to suffocate

I don't want water

I don't want sleep

I don't want sex

I don't want sex

I don't want to breath

I don't want it true'

I don't know what to do with you

new song lyrics

I guess she didn't
didn't know what to say
to end it

her eyes were red
torn knee, wet hands,
bad dreams, always

I told her to be strong
told her to satisfy
what she had inside
tucked in backup files
tucked away for rainy days
that never came

they say on the news
-he used to say thouse eyes looking out at you-
the tide has risen
it's contense looking for new food

the surf now hits the sidewalk
polished to new life
It's going out here

so heres to this breath
heres to our eventual pain
heres to the sun thats going out
and to the endless pouring rain
you always thought that it was always just the same
but it'll never be that way again

and when it comes
I'll be gone
one thing I know
that I won't be there beside you
I'm not gonna be there beside you
we always said
that we were gonna die alnoe
but god we didn't even know

Modern Leper

...I never expected for it to be this late. i haven't anticipated. And it's weird, because I know how much this is a generic thought. You've never been as old as you are now, and this is always true at every moment and so is not very novel. But I feel lost, I feel like I have no direction because I never really wanted a direction past this. I never wanted to be older than I am now. I am twenty years old. I remember writing on this blog on my eighteenth birthday, telling you that I didn't know how I feel about it. That I'd let you know. Well I feel like shit. I feel like shit about being over eighteen. I feel like shit about being over twenty.

The last time I felt this I was eighteen, the day leading up to my departure back to new york and to college. And the problem is, so little has changed since then. My dreams are the same, my ambitions. I've accomplished very little more artisticly. My friends are the same. So little has resolved. So little has gotten better, or, really, worse except for the fact that it's two years later. The same people read this blog that did when I posted my eighteenth birthday message (or less, do Parker and Jackie and Diana still read this? Does Simka?) So little has changed.

And I don't want to go forward. I want to stand here like a child. I want to go out like a baby. A child throwing a tantrum. I don't want to move forward. I want to lay down and pound my fists on the ground and cry.

There are times when you know nothing is going to make it better. Were I actually a child there could possibly be someone to pick me up and hold me and bring me steemed milk with cinnemon and tell me things would be fine and mean it completely. And I would feel better perhaps. I don't know. But that would just make me feel like shit now. I don't have love and before now i've always just looked at myself as the antagonist in that situation. To be viewed as creul by how much I hurt other people through not having love. And I forget that probably at the center I am the one hurt. I am the victum. Because no one can tell me it will be alright. I don't trust anyone when they say that. I don't trust anyone. I don't love anyone.

Nothing is going to make this better. but perhaps tomorrow or I will be able to think about other things instead. This is what I hope for.

Sometimes it bothers me to think about these writings about my faith in love. And my beliefe in love. I'm afraid I'm being silly. You read a lot of old writers and philosophers and romantics writings from before the wars and they talk about god. And their loosing faith. and how if there is no god, and they fear there isn't, than there is nothing. If they have no belief than how are they supposed to go on living? And I want to tell them, no! you don't need it! you don't need god, or belief. you can live without fine. you just don't think so because you're unacustomed to the idea, you put to much stock in faith in god.

And I fear that some young intellectual sixty years from now will look at me and my generation and say "no! you don't need to believe in true love! It's silly, and you can live without it fine!" I worry. but until then I fear I need someone to come along to fall in love with.

well i am ill but i'm not dead

Poor Places

Let me explain myself here.

it probably won't be that good of an explaination.

I know what I'm doing is wrong, I know it's stupid. I know it will end poorly. I know that I don't know what I want, and I know right now it just looks like I want what I can't have. I know I'm insatiable, almost as a rule. I know I'm too self aware to be this self-destructive. I know I'm too premeditated to be this impulsive. I don't care.

I'm starting to think that in love it doesn't pay to be responsible. It doesn't pay to be strong and to stoic and responsible. Whats "right" is not what's right. And I don't see how me sitting down and being lonely and waitng for it to pass is going to make for a better result than me trying to fuck everything up. This way seems better.

And besides, I can never be impulsive. I have never been impulsive. I think about things too much and there's nothing I can do about that.