Modern Leper

...I never expected for it to be this late. i haven't anticipated. And it's weird, because I know how much this is a generic thought. You've never been as old as you are now, and this is always true at every moment and so is not very novel. But I feel lost, I feel like I have no direction because I never really wanted a direction past this. I never wanted to be older than I am now. I am twenty years old. I remember writing on this blog on my eighteenth birthday, telling you that I didn't know how I feel about it. That I'd let you know. Well I feel like shit. I feel like shit about being over eighteen. I feel like shit about being over twenty.

The last time I felt this I was eighteen, the day leading up to my departure back to new york and to college. And the problem is, so little has changed since then. My dreams are the same, my ambitions. I've accomplished very little more artisticly. My friends are the same. So little has resolved. So little has gotten better, or, really, worse except for the fact that it's two years later. The same people read this blog that did when I posted my eighteenth birthday message (or less, do Parker and Jackie and Diana still read this? Does Simka?) So little has changed.

And I don't want to go forward. I want to stand here like a child. I want to go out like a baby. A child throwing a tantrum. I don't want to move forward. I want to lay down and pound my fists on the ground and cry.

There are times when you know nothing is going to make it better. Were I actually a child there could possibly be someone to pick me up and hold me and bring me steemed milk with cinnemon and tell me things would be fine and mean it completely. And I would feel better perhaps. I don't know. But that would just make me feel like shit now. I don't have love and before now i've always just looked at myself as the antagonist in that situation. To be viewed as creul by how much I hurt other people through not having love. And I forget that probably at the center I am the one hurt. I am the victum. Because no one can tell me it will be alright. I don't trust anyone when they say that. I don't trust anyone. I don't love anyone.

Nothing is going to make this better. but perhaps tomorrow or I will be able to think about other things instead. This is what I hope for.

Sometimes it bothers me to think about these writings about my faith in love. And my beliefe in love. I'm afraid I'm being silly. You read a lot of old writers and philosophers and romantics writings from before the wars and they talk about god. And their loosing faith. and how if there is no god, and they fear there isn't, than there is nothing. If they have no belief than how are they supposed to go on living? And I want to tell them, no! you don't need it! you don't need god, or belief. you can live without fine. you just don't think so because you're unacustomed to the idea, you put to much stock in faith in god.

And I fear that some young intellectual sixty years from now will look at me and my generation and say "no! you don't need to believe in true love! It's silly, and you can live without it fine!" I worry. but until then I fear I need someone to come along to fall in love with.

well i am ill but i'm not dead

No comments: