Girl Afraid

There's a scene in a lot of movies and tv shows and general feel good pulp where an older person is asked about their life and this person says "yes, it was hard, but you know what? If I went back I would do it all again the same. I don't regret anything" and I think bull shit. and I think you know what? if I went back again I would do it all differently I would change every single tiny thing I did. I regret everything. I do. I regret everything.

but really, I don't want to go back. the thought of doing so would keep me up at night. even the good parts were bad and thinking of it any other way I think would be lying to myself. It has all been such a struggle every single goddamn step and though I suppose its turned out alright which is to say thouse struggles made me who I am now and I like who I am, does that make them worth it? If I was stuck back as me as a three year old and told "well, your going to have the next fifteen years as constant struggle, and probably more after that, but it will be worth it becasue at eighteen you'll like the person you are" would I go for it? would I think that was worth it? I don't think so.

but thouse fifteen years are over now and I will never have to repeat them. amen.

i'll never make that mistake again

Stars Of Track And Field

When we used to have to run the mile I used to think damn I wish I was me an hour from now. I will no longer be sweaty and tired and, most importantly, I will no longer be running and I will not have a mile left to do infront of me. I will be done with the work and able to reap the benefit. And you know what? Theres so much we do for Stuart an hour from now, or ourselves next year or in the vauge fucking future and now I thinking Fuck stuart of the future. That jackass benefiting off of my work. Fuck you Stuart looking back on this a year from now thinking how far you've come from this point. How stupid, how imature, stuart of fall 2009 is. Fuck you. You're not even me anymore, your someone else, someone I can't predict.

And I think how much stuart of winter 2008 was and idiot, and I think of how stuart of summer 2001 would hate me and be ashamed of his association if we ever met, and I guess I don't care. They don't exist any more.

This heart ache is worse then I though it would be. Its been four weeks. I should be over this. I Need to be over this. I don't want to feel this way any longer.

make a new cult every day to suit your affairs

Stadiums and Shrines II

Amelie is one of my favorite movies. Just want to get that out there before I start.

Its set in the summer of '97 (is that corect? I can't remeber right now) right after Princes Diana died. This has nothing at all to do with the plot. And yet it hovers there in the background, because (and I do remember that point in time) at that moment news of Diana was everywhere, unavoidable, even though it didn't fit in with the plot of our own individual lives.

In June, as you may have herd, Michael Jackson died. As a result, for the enire summer every single store you walked into instead of playing their own shit the usual elivator crap they played Michael Jackson. Every single goddamn store.

I want to set a movie in the summer of '09.

This among other things gave the summer a sort of... well not magical,... but detached feel. It felt unrealistic, removed from real life. It was really really unsettling to me. I mentioned to Diana once this summer (not the princes) that every time I go to new york in a week my entire life in California seems...unreal. seems like something I dreamed up in high feavor, and yet every time I come back new york seems sureal, a dream. I told her I know that when I return to the east that the entire summer will fall apart in my mind and I didn't want that to happen. It has. This summer has become incredibly difficult for me to believe, its something that happoned to someone else, something I made up. And yet... I can't let go of it. I stay up thinking of it at night, destracts me during class. I want this summer back. I was melencholy and detatched and restless through the whole thing but, It was magical. I can't believe it. Did that happen? Am I asleep?

Today is 9/9/09. The Beatles remasters were reliesed today. Every store I walked into had them playing on the radio. Am I asleep?

A FANTASY

by Stuart Solomon
(forgive me, I have forgoten proper scrip format. In my defence when I took that class I never thought I would ever wright a script. Just direct.)

No establishing shot.

First angle is a medium shot slightly over the sholder of BOY who is sitting on a squat marble (or other stone) wall, eating penne with maranera out of a plastic container. His eyes are just slightly bloodshot or iritated.

After a moment GIRL enters the screen from the left side of the frame carying a notebook and a relatively thing textbook.

Girl (smiles): Hey!

Boy (looks up): Hey. What you up to?

Girl (stops walking for a moment): Um... Not much, heading in.

Boy: Um (he takes a small bite and chews for a beat)... Do you want to go somewhere?

Girl: Um...where?

Boy (puts his plastic fork down): Um... I don't know. We could, uh, jump in the fountain at Rockefeller Center or like a dinner downtown. (he looks strained) The.. or, the promenade, uh, Brooklyn Hights, that's always nice.

Girl: Um, well din't you say earlyer...

Boy: Yeah, uh, I have homework. I'll,...like...stay up all night or something...

Girl: Ummmm, alright. But, uh... why?

Boy (shrugs and looks up at her): I'm just in, like, one of those moods.

Girl (bights lower lip softly and looks around): could I... just run and put my stuff down?

Boy: no. Thats not how it works.

Girl: I think... No, I don't, I don't think so. (makes a kind of apologetic face) Sorry!

Jump cut to camera on dolly swiftly circleing to the left. After under a half second cut to the exact same shot that was shown several seconds before (a kind of rewind)

Girl: I think... um, ok. sure.

Boy stands up. They walk twords the campas exit, boy with left hand in his pocket. He throughs away the container of pasta along the way.



This is a fantasy. Why? Because I don't have the corage to ask a girl. Or maybe I do. I think I could pull that together easy I guess if I was indeed in that kind of mood. Why else is it a fantasy? Because no girl would say yes. or even if they did it wouldn't be the same. Nothing goes to scrip. No matter how good of a writer you are, how realisit, nothing goes to scrip. Its all a fantasy. This is not going to happen. I will not jump a subway with some unsuspecting girl and go do something crazy and meaningless and amazing. its just a fucking feel good fantasy.

you see something to cheer about, i'll tell you that its mine.

High Tide

I can't sleep and in the middle of the night I make side a of a mixtape and I think they don't need to be hard. This can be easy. the next day I make the b side. easy. no more then an hour and a half total time within twenty four hours. easy. Its not as good as the last one but ok. I don't usualy name them but this one I do.

Yes! I am a long way from home.
September 2-3, 2009

Side A

Dilaudid - The Mountain Goats
Yes! I am a long way from home - Mogwai
Did You See The Words - Animal Collective
Been A Long Time Cousin - Hella
How It Ends - DeVotchKa
Darts of Pleasure - Franz Ferdinand
Is This It? - The Strokes

Side B

Satellite Skin - Modest Mouse
Kids, We Have Your Back - O! Lucky Man
Keep Yourself Warm - Frightened Rabit
Only Shallow - My Bloody Valentine
Cherry Tulips - Headlights
Crazy/Forever - Japandroids
Metal Heart - Cat Power

this summer, forever

Keep Yourself Warm

Theres a lyric and for the life of me I can't remember what song or what band wrote it and it goes

"once you see the end its all over"




and that is to say i think that the minnute you start worrying about your childhood ending you will never be a kid again and the second a band trys to recapure the sound they used to have they will never have anything again and the second you can see that if you don't do something your group of friend will fall apart its too late already and the moment you can glimps that light at the end you are already in that light and the minnute you notice in a relationship that something has changed you will never again get to the honneymoon once you see the end its all over

the thing is

you see the end from the day after school ends

summer is about comming to terms with this

please I want to come to terms with this

wont find love in a hole

How It Ends

IAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGIAMLEAVINGILOVEYOUALLSOGODDAMNMUCH

GOODNIGHT

and you already know

Don't You (Forget About Me)

Me and diana had a conversation about the differences between. depression and melancholy and despair and that place past the blues (here) and how my god we each miss being melancholy. melancholy can be cool and feel conforting and romantic and it can be productive with art even though it tends to take over your life, that is comforting for some fucked up reason. Today I am melancholy for the first time in over a year and a half. I'm ok with this but I still feel... you know.

I fear growing old. I fear growing in general. I fear me in two years being a compleatly different person and looking back on this entry and thinking how fucking stupid I was, just like I do now regarding the me of two years ago. I fear the los capmesions line "resigned that our parent's intrests will one day be our own". I don't want my parent's intrests, I want my life to be shitty forever.

All my life I've wanted to be in love. I wanted to consider myself a hopeless romantic. I wanted to sweep some poor girl off her feet and spend my days agonizing over poems for her because that was the only thing I could do to express how I felt though I would know I could never express it right because I am not a good enough poet. I've never been in love. I've never had my heart broken. Any wounds I have suffered have been more or less superficial. I've never even been close. I don't know if I believe in love. Its the last thing I don't know if I believe in. I am through with internal debates about everything else. I don't believe in anyof it else. I want to believe in love but I don't know. I want to be in love but I am not. I wrote an essay in nineth grade about Holden Caulfield and how and how much he was let down by people, and that his dissatisfaction with the world was not because of something inside him some inner termoil but because of one person after another letting him down. I am really bad at writing essays, I was much worse then, but I knew that point and I didn't think anyone else was feeling it, was pulling for holden. He's alright hes just where he was. They thought he was an asshole, hes not. I still feel that. That let down. He was ok. But I don't think Holden will ever go around falling in love either.

I'm feeling like this and I feel detatched. I don't care. "Richard said withdrawl in disgust is not the same as apathy" He's right. I'm not apathetic, but my detachment now is differnt from my resent situation where I am to angry to care. I'm just... you know

melancholy. I'm so glad to be back here again though. Please stay this way please stay this way please stay this way please stay this way

try to pretend