Girl Afraid

There's a scene in a lot of movies and tv shows and general feel good pulp where an older person is asked about their life and this person says "yes, it was hard, but you know what? If I went back I would do it all again the same. I don't regret anything" and I think bull shit. and I think you know what? if I went back again I would do it all differently I would change every single tiny thing I did. I regret everything. I do. I regret everything.

but really, I don't want to go back. the thought of doing so would keep me up at night. even the good parts were bad and thinking of it any other way I think would be lying to myself. It has all been such a struggle every single goddamn step and though I suppose its turned out alright which is to say thouse struggles made me who I am now and I like who I am, does that make them worth it? If I was stuck back as me as a three year old and told "well, your going to have the next fifteen years as constant struggle, and probably more after that, but it will be worth it becasue at eighteen you'll like the person you are" would I go for it? would I think that was worth it? I don't think so.

but thouse fifteen years are over now and I will never have to repeat them. amen.

i'll never make that mistake again