6.4.09

Live Forever

I am obssesed with britpop. Not obssesed like... well I use that word a lot. Usualy I use it to mean I'm passionate about something. I am obssesed with the hitchhikers guide to the galexy, that kind of thing. With Jack Keroack's On The Road, with Portishead's most resent. But I'm obssesed with this actualy. Like I was for two weeks about easter island in fourth grade, like with The Beatles for a month in eighth. Like I stay up at night because I'm thinking about movents in pop music culture. About voids and bands filling it. About Dionysus and Apollo the pros and cons of narcissism, radiohead or blur or suede or oasis. About weather to be what Nirvana wanted to be or what he became and why he killed himself. About "John and I littearly used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool.'" About movements like watter in the underground and the mainstreem. About no one likes the Arcade Fire about how no one takes the Shins seriously. About Jarvis Cocker who is not Jesus but has the same initials and seems like the only actual human in the whole fucking world

I am a man of Apollo. I've always taken pride in that but its not something I created. Its my base instinct. Its what I snap back to in times of stress no matter what. My older sister is basicly of Dionysus in the same way. Thats why I have chosen the underground over the world of pop why I have chosen post-punk over new wave over metal bangers not anthems blur over oasis pulp over all. Individual over comunity. Grunge over Britpop. And all I've wanted to be for these years was an undergrond sucsess. I wanted to be Pere Ubu, not The Clash. I wanted to be The Velvet Underground, not The Rolling Stones. I wanted to be Bob Dylan, not the Beatles. 

But now I want to be better then the Beatles. 

Now I want to be Suede, I want to be Oasis. I want to live for today and delude myself that today is what there is. I want to love myself and the people around me because they're good enough so I'm gonna goddamn pretend we are perfect. I want to ware two thoulsand dollar suits and smash my guitar into my amp every goddamn nice. I want to take it as far as I can and make sure I end with enough money to buy a good pair of shoes for my funeral. I want music you get caught up in compleatly. I want to set fire to the graves of every band that ever played a note of progressive rock. Because this is my life man, this is MY LIFE. This is all I have. I don't get to look back after I've gone and say 'well that man did a good job of sticking to his pricipals and is a good example for the next generation'. I don't give a fuck about the next generation. If the world falls apart a year after I passed, well, its sure as hell better then it falling apart a year before I go. I want to look out across manhattan as I cross that bridge and I know that it is my kingdom. I want to fucking live forever. I want TO FUCKING LIVE FOREVER. 

maybe i just want to breath maybe i just dont believe