I've been in high school for the last four weeks. Its an on-line school called k12. When I signed up for it I was told a lot of things. It would be self paced, it would be knowledge based not homework based, it would allow me to make up all the credits I needed and allow me to return to albany high next year. All of these proved wrong. In fact, it was almost everything I disliked about high school. My grade is largely based on pointless busy work, made for people with the brains of six year-olds. I have to move at an extremely slow pace with lessons that I should be able to do in minutes. And, to top it off, I will have to work through the summer to even have a hope at making up all the credits. It does differ from high school in someways though. The upside is that I can set my own hours, as long as I get the days work done by midnight. The downside is that it is completely solitary. I have no one to talk to, I am stuck in front of a computer screen all day.
It has become incredibly clear to me that I cannot do this. All my old school habits have returned. I'm irritable, frustrated all the time, depressed, and hopeless. I procrastinate, often getting nothing done at all. I've become prone to shouting at my family for no reason. I destroy things, particularly things that have value only to me. I hate myself for doing all this but when I'm in the moment it seems like the only thing to do.
I feel that I'm left with a kind of ultimatum. On one side I take the GED and go to community college for the next year and a half. All my friends will look down on me and I will feel like a failure for the rest of my life. The other solution is that I grit my teeth , work through the rest of the year and through summer. Then return to albany high, continue to be miserable, and work through next year. On this side I'll feel like I can do it, I'll get back most of the friends I had lost over the last year but I will have no quality of life. Its a lose-lose in my mind and I don't know what to do.
How strange, innocence
4 weeks ago