4

Its been a long time since I thought about philosophy. I've defined myself as a Nihilist for about a year and a half now, or something like that, and that was good enough for me. I could believe in nothing, breathe easy, be free. But Adrians been bringing it up again and been getting on my case for being a solid Nihilist, it isn't what I think it is he said, that I am infact an absurdest. So I finally did some research and, of Wikipeadia, found this chart:

(Simplified) Relationship between existentialism, absurdism and nihilism

	Atheistic existentialism	Theistic existentialism	Absurdism	Nihilism
1. There is such a thing as meaning or value	Yes	Yes	Yes	No
2. There is inherent meaning in the universe (either intrinsic or from God)	No	Maybe, but humans must have faith to believe there is	Maybe, but humans can never know it	No
3. Individuals can create meaning in life themselves	Yes, it is essential that they do	Yes, but that meaning must incorporate God	Yes, but it is not essential	No, because there is no such meaning to create
4. The pursuit of intrinsic or extrinsic meaning in the universe is possible	No, and the pursuit itself is meaningless	Yes, and the pursuit itself may have meaning	No, but the pursuit itself may have meaning	No, and the pursuit itself is meaningless
5. The pursuit of constructed meaning is possible	Yes, thus the goal of existentialism	Yes, thus the goal of existentialism	Maybe	No
6. There is a solution to the individual's desire to seek meaning	Yes, the creation of one's own meaning	Yes, the creation of one's own meaning before God	Yes, the acknowledgement and embracing of absurdity	No

If anything, I probably fall closest to Atheistic Existentialism here but there should be a fifth row called "Stuarts current thoughts". 1. would be left blank, 2. No, 3. left blank, 4. No, 5. left blank, 6. No.

In recap, I have no idea if meaning exists. I'm not even sure what "meaning" means anymore. My persuit of anger and passion and truth, does that constitute as a "meaning of life" for me? What about other cases? is an asshole who decides his goal in life is to fuck as many girls as possible creating his own meaning? I'm convinced there is no intrinsic absolute purpos to exsistance, and thats all I know. And really, I do want to go around to everybody talking about signs and portents or patterns and religion and astrology and yell at them "IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL" and I want to go around to girls and people I hate or want to forget and shout "YOU DON'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL"

And also when it comes down to it I don't believe in anything. I don't believe in anything. and I don't believe it matters that much.

there is love in you

Daylight

There is certainly a differance between imeediate emotion and state of mind. imediate emotion is what you are feeling right now. How are you? I am generaly content. almost always content infact unless i am in class or trying to fall asleep almost always content. neither happy nor angery nor depressed i don't really have an emotion at all. I just go. and thats alright. when I am with friends it tends to be scewed a bit towards happy. state of mind is different. its the less imediate emotion the over tones of the chords of your life. for as long as i can remember it was generaly depressed. I was a depressed kid. that defined me. in summer a lot my state of mind was happy though so theres that it wasn't I think until the end of my junior year that the needle started swinging like it does. I am no longer a depressed kid. except sometimes. I am happy a lot but it goes back and forth wildly sometimes going each way and back within a week.

that wasn't the point

the point I was trying to make is when i was depressed I thought well i'd give so much in order to be happy. I would compromise. and when I started to be happy I thought well this is great far be it from me to complain but depression is better its truer I think better thoughts when depressed I'm humbler and smarter and more artistic an more honest. And now I'm seeing so many depressed people who just wallow in themselves and think oh i am a victum oh why is life like this oh everything is falling apart. And today i think I was probably like that when depressed. not honest not humble not smart not true. And today i thought i am not happy certainly. But I am so far from depressed, depressed is at the moment descusting to me. And today i thought well what am i cause i am not emotionless, i am not content there has to be something an i realized my state of mind is angry. I AM ANGRY. and I think maybe I was wrong all along maybe angry is the way to be.

because angry lets me say stand up fuck you you are to blame for your depression you are not living before you die and it lets me say THANK GOD that everything is falling apart because I want to build it again and much better then you did and THANK GOD that i don't believe in forever because forever is boring as fuck and i don't want to die because forever is death, its giving up,its seeking confort instead of the best you do need to destroy what you have in order to create and thank god that i am angry an thank your god that i just don't care.

I love the falling apart. I love this transitory. I love the beauty in the breakdown. I love this anger.

anywhere feels like home

I Luv the Valley, OH!

I'm. gonna try. to nullify my life. A lyric from the song 'Heroin' by the velvet underground. Heroin is still one of my favorite songs. it still has untold impact on me. and it falls into a weird catagory of art or a weird emotion along with fight club and hemmingway and trainspotting and noise music and a few others is about the curious humman need to feel emotions more. when we are up we want to be walking on sunbeams and when we are down we want to be so down. we want to hit rock bottom and keep on going and never come up for air. we want to choke ourselves and bash our heads through walls and make other people hate us and make us hate ourselves and be cacofony and destruction for ever and ever amen. we want to nullify our lives. and I used to think, idont know, i used tothink there was something to this. taht this was pure and passionate and I still think thats true but not with the same certainty as before

i encountered a strange case. through using tumblr i found, actualy a wile before i got my own blog, a girl probably four or five years older than me maybe more and when i first found her site there were mostly posts about sonic youth and sort of depressed wanderinglost short writings about her life and some fightclub-nihilism stile other images and posts. but mostly posts about sonic youth. and so whatever i got to school and didn't have a computer and fell out and all then in october i got an acount and started folowing her and in the last month there was a shift. I don't know her so i don't know what happoned to her or if the sonic youth think was just a momentary fasination or anything at all but she delved down into superficiality. manny formsprings were posted calling her hot and she posted more and more, questions were posted and she responded in the crassest manner, as a result the questions got more and more crass. someone asked what her favorite style of porn was and she said interratial gangbang, someone asked where they could find that and i forget if she posted a link or told them just to surch the internet its not to hard. more pictures of herself and storys about cocaine and talk of boyfriend and miniscule instances in her day to day

and i realized she is trying to nullify her life. but in the oppisite way as i would imagine and it was disgusting to me. so i don't know anymore. perhaps people were right and guitar smashing waists a guitar and destroying youself is just a pointless waist of yourself but I don't know. in a way i don't like that view because it is like growing old. i am to young to grow old and i really really truly hope i die first. I don't want to lose this. this passion. i want to be crazy forever I WANT to be crazy forever but i fear i may just be crazy

all of my thoughts have been in girls for the past week and a bit mainly because seeing diana was probably or maybe not stupid of me and threw me into depression and this summer we used to argue about the difference between the sexes and i was on the position that we are alike and what people see as differences were exagerated and used as excusses and she said no we are so far apart we will never understand each other and though i still think i understand girls mostly - see where their motives are, empathise easily, dont think they're quite so crazy as other guys do - i am starting to think we are very differant. girls really do hate guys, mostly for absolutely fucked up stupid reasons, and i resent being hated. it feels like adults hate the young - how girls hate boys.

and i don't like that opinion either, i liked the summer one better. and really i just like who i was this summer and i feel all the ways i've grown away from that have been negitive though perhaps pulling me closer to the truth i don't know.

i am also just lonely. really lonely and really needing some girl to try to love for a bit. i haven't felt this way really at least not like this for a long time. maybe since the eighth grade. i keep finding new things to miss and want, new little things that drive me crazy about them. putting your arm around a girl when you sit on couches. her breath on you when you hug. her laugh with eating ice cream. how she pauses to take her glasses off when you start kissing. how its just whatever when you do something crazy and spontainious with a friend but its so easy and so amazing to do anything spontainious when your with a girl you like. these little things are going to drive me insain. i am lonely but i hate girls.

i won't rest until i break it

Crazy

There is a common movie plot formula (expecialy childrens movies) that consists of the main character hating they're own life and whishing for a different one, but when they receive the life they want they soon discover that its not what they thought it would be, and that the main characters origonal life was better. Theres another term I herd I forget where that 'if everyone put they're problems on the table and saw everone else's, we'd all take our own back' and its trying to tell us to be happy with what we have. be content. And I always thought fuck thats not what it means. It means we would all rather be comfortable that we would all much rather have what is familiar to us then what is better that no one wants to take risks because we all are sure our luck is bad and that is the only lesson I learnt.

probably

If I Had A Heart

right now

i am tired of passionate angry angst depression though i will get back to it. remmeber that calm depression? or maybe it isn't even depression and just 'feeling sad' the shins depression the young marble giants depression the quiet loanly hot chocolate and a movie and lying down and dying and all the cheesy lines that somehow don't sound cheesy right then depression. the never self indulgent depression. does no one have this anymore?

this will never end

Dead Flag Blues

for years, I think since I was in seventh grade and ending last year when I started to receive a certain amount of unexpected female attention, I made a point to avoid looking at myself in mirror. I'd glance at myself momentarily after my morning shower to make sure noting what wildly out of place and then go. don't linger. keep moving. the rest of the day. Why did I do this? because though I was a moron in my younger years I was a rather bright moron and occasionally I'd have some incite. Through the first two grades of middle school I realized that, wile the common assumption is that people look like they act, its generally the opposite: People act how they look.

which is to say if someone looks tall and lanky they'll develop that lanky personality, if they're attractive in a main stream way they'll take to drugs and parties, if they're attractive in a bookish way they'll take to books, if they're not all that attractive in a scrawny way, well, it seems like they'd take to hanging out with me and my friends and ripping on the rest of this well oiled system.

I am ashamed of this but my and my friends even as far as to coin a pseudo-psychological term "ugly girl syndrome" to explain why so many ugly girls (ugly exclusively in a classic sense, not more interesting looking but still ugly girls) had lousy personalities. This happens in greater ratios when the girl is in a group of friends that contains a large amount of attractive girls. The ugly girl feels starved for attention or left out and her personality develops to compensate. Or, an even better explanation, people just treat her like an ugly person. They assume she has the qualities that people who look like her tend to posses and she'll develop these qualities to fit the expectations of those around her.

And similarly, not all tall lanky people have even remotely similar personality, but people from a young age treat them like they do and they conform to these expectations.

another explanation is that they look in the mirror in the morning and impose these expectations on themselves.

so I said fuck that, I am who I am. And when I have no idea what I look like that's not a problem. well, people still treated me like I looked but I was blissfully unaware of why they were treating me that way, and thought them to be crazy.

but that didn't really get me laid.


I got a computer and I told my self that when I got a computer I would start a tumblr. An excuse to engage my purely visual thoughts, and great things I found on the internet, and to generally join the growing community. so here it is: liars.tumblr.com. Unlike the turntable, its meant for mass consumption, I wouldn't mind just anyone finding about about it. In fact, I'd like tons of people to know about it. But its not really for words, at least not in long form, and the turntable will continued to be updated. enjoy.

i said, kiss me you are beautiful - these are truly the last days.

Darts of Plesure

hmm, I don't even care for Firefly all that much, or well, its intreeging but I've only watched about two epesodes and don't care to watch any tv at all right now, but... the theme song for the show is much much better then it has any right to be.

Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be
Since I found serenity
But you can't take the sky from me.

Jackie used to say her favorite word, I think, was euphoria. I told her mine is serenity. And I thought, all I want in life is serenity. just to be ok with it. and, of course, I don't want that anymore, I want passion. And I guess when it comes down to it all I have is passion, I have no serenity.

Parker was here two weeks ago. We spent a weekend just talking and playing guitar and seeing concerts. It was more or less surreal and amazing. what we talked about mostly was ourselves. music, and culture, and people and girls and ourselves. And when it came down to it... look, we're assholes. the think I remeber the sharpest is when parker said "Its really just because we think we're better then everyone. We do think we're better than everyone. We think our ideas are better, we think how we live our lives are better..." and he's right. we do. We are assholes.

I am an asshole. I will always hate the people around me because... because they like mcdonalds, or because they don't know what fallafel is, or because they listen to kings of leon or becase they like the shins but for the wrong reasons. I hate people because they wait at crosswalks or becasue they won't go into public parks after night or becasue they wear nice clothes or because they don't know who sonic youth is, or even because they know who sonic youth is and think thats a big accomplishment. I AM SUCH AN ASSHOLE. I just smile and lie to all these people and more.

And besides for that I am self obsessed. to the point of narssesism. All I think about is my self and where I got it right and where I am an asshole. all I think about is who I am. All my film ideas are about the person I want to become, which is just a way of making films about an idealized version of my self. all I think about is myself.


In the documentry Helvetica theres two main points of view expressed about use of the font. The modernists of the fiftys and sixties thought it was neutral and clear and beautiful. They used it for everything. The eightys and ninetys thought it was bland and meaningless and a corprate simbol. That you needed expressive fonts to say expressive things. The modernests thought these people were just making the world less beautiful. The later artists didn't think aestetic beauty was the end all.

in one of the end scenes they showed a verry resent young artist who used helvetica a lot. he didn't know or care about the debate around it. He wasn't concerned so much about the philosophy of aestetics over all or nihilism over all. He just made good art that he liked. We are the younger generation who grew up fast and our ignorance is setting us free. its alowing us to do the best work.

another case is with political corectness. Two generations ago they are/were verry politicaly incorect. They were racist and sexist and hit their kids in school and all sorts of other things. The generation above us changed the cuture and made a point to be verry politicaly correct (they invented the term). They didn't use red pens in school, they tiptoed around words, they said African American, and all sorts of other horrible things. Our generation is breaking down pollitical correct, but we're not snaping back to our grandparents. We just say what makes sence. No bullshit. We use helvetica to say sunshine.

words are poison