20.1.10

Daylight

There is certainly a differance between imeediate emotion and state of mind. imediate emotion is what you are feeling right now. How are you? I am generaly content. almost always content infact unless i am in class or trying to fall asleep almost always content. neither happy nor angery nor depressed i don't really have an emotion at all. I just go. and thats alright. when I am with friends it tends to be scewed a bit towards happy. state of mind is different. its the less imediate emotion the over tones of the chords of your life. for as long as i can remember it was generaly depressed. I was a depressed kid. that defined me. in summer a lot my state of mind was happy though so theres that it wasn't I think until the end of my junior year that the needle started swinging like it does. I am no longer a depressed kid. except sometimes. I am happy a lot but it goes back and forth wildly sometimes going each way and back within a week.

that wasn't the point

the point I was trying to make is when i was depressed I thought well i'd give so much in order to be happy. I would compromise. and when I started to be happy I thought well this is great far be it from me to complain but depression is better its truer I think better thoughts when depressed I'm humbler and smarter and more artistic an more honest. And now I'm seeing so many depressed people who just wallow in themselves and think oh i am a victum oh why is life like this oh everything is falling apart. And today i think I was probably like that when depressed. not honest not humble not smart not true. And today i thought i am not happy certainly. But I am so far from depressed, depressed is at the moment descusting to me. And today i thought well what am i cause i am not emotionless, i am not content there has to be something an i realized my state of mind is angry. I AM ANGRY. and I think maybe I was wrong all along maybe angry is the way to be.

because angry lets me say stand up fuck you you are to blame for your depression you are not living before you die and it lets me say THANK GOD that everything is falling apart because I want to build it again and much better then you did and THANK GOD that i don't believe in forever because forever is boring as fuck and i don't want to die because forever is death, its giving up,its seeking confort instead of the best you do need to destroy what you have in order to create and thank god that i am angry an thank your god that i just don't care.

I love the falling apart. I love this transitory. I love the beauty in the breakdown. I love this anger.

anywhere feels like home

4 comments:

Adrian said...

that anger is literally titled passive anger, hence the way you consider it a 'state' rather than immediate.

passive consists of factors such as self-blame, self-sacrifice, dispassion, obsessive behavior, secretive behavior.. (wiki)

but passive anger is also known as the condition passive aggressiveness.. so I'm not sure about that, but it seems like you're expressing some of the non-negative aspects of a passive aggressor, if you knew this was possible.

Sticky said...

um, I doubt very much that what I have going on is "passive anger". I have absolutely none of those factors listed. In fact, I seem to have the opposite of dispassion and self blame.

I mean seriously dude, what the fuck? Why do you feel the need to serch wikipeadia for half-writen articles on half-researched mental condidtions so you can see what is postulated to come along with it.

This is an emotion. I don't even see what cause there is to research it at all in the first place.

Adrian said...

it's an emotion, fucking duh, but that doesn't mean the feelings you feel constitute what you call anger, because if you're going to use the word, it has to follow the definition.

people say they're depressed all the time but are they using the proper word? no.

i only looked it up because i haven't been getting vibes that you were seriously angered.

if you're saying you FEEL angry, then obviously you do, but secondly, the way you wrote made it sound like you needed to COME to the realization that you were angry. . your joyous inspiration and admiration for beauty and deconstruction seems far from anger, and saying fuck you to other peoples illogical premise for brooding and doing stupid shit doesn't constitute anger.

and "why do you *feel* the need" -- that's just being a bitch.

Sticky said...

your right, the "why do you feel the need" was terrible. Even when I wrote it I thought 'this is douchey' but I was really pissed off at the time. Thats probably in the top ten most fucked up things I've said to you. I'm sorry.

Anyway, theres something to be said about the differance between a scientific deffiniton and a practical one. When my younger sister was in geometry she used to get on the case of anyone who said 'line'. "Thats a line segment," she'd say. "A line extends forever." So, in psychology there might be one definition of anger, but since we know almost nothing of psychology past basic courses and the internet, lets stick to practical definitions.

Which is to say, anger means anger means anger. And its pretty obvious to me that what I described wasn't passive aggression or passive anger.

General state of mind is a weird thing, possibly something I just fabricated. When you ask someone, "in your life, are you happy?" and they say "yes" or "or, I'm depressed" or "well I guess I'm mildly content", thats what I mean by it. An emotion that is not immediate, the happy person isn't happy all the time etc. Again, I don't know of anyone ever answering "I'm angry" to that (not to say that no ones ever answered that before) but its something that recently came to mind and its the only answer I could find if asked that myself.

As I said in the post, my immediate emotion when I'm out in the world is for the most part content. though I am angry I think its kind of self indulgent to insist on your emotion all the damn time. Its like those people who always come to class moping. So when I talk to you or anyone else I tend to shelve my emotion, it would just get annoying to be angry in every conversation. (I think I wrote something on that a year ago or so). That being said we have been fighting a lot recently over arbitrary stuff (this post is case and point). I defiantly feel my anger has be obvious.

we shouldn't have stupid arguments like this, man. Goddamn