For the last year and three days I've been keeping this method of bloging consistand. the title is after a song that in someway reflects how I'm feeling or intentionaly reflects something against how I'm feeling. The song goes in the playlist to the right or if the song couldn't be found then a simalar one by the same band and a lyric goes in the afterthought at the bottom. It was inteded that the song play wile you read the post of the same name, though in practice I never found that act worthwile. I thried to keep the layout verry simple as to sugest black vinyl. The blog title was, obviously, to designate that you were experiencing a long playing record being read off a turntable buit it also came over time to represent to me my tendancy to adress the same problems over and over always returning. The only thing that strikes me as wrong is my insistance of using a different band each post. This was just me trying to show off and its going to stop here. The entire format has come to irritate me a bit but I think it holds thoughts togeather nicely and keeps me from posting irrelivents or one liners to a certain extend. It also saves me from having to come up with titles for each post witch I would hate. But from here on the song I choose will have no restraint even if I have used that band fifty times before.

I know that paragraph wasn't verry interesting but it gets better from here bare with me.

The name of this post is Naomi and the song Naomi is the song for this moment. Its embarasing to me how much Neutral Milk Hotel has had an effect on me over the last couple months. When I thought about why I feel -embarassed I realize its because of how much other people like them. Be more specific. Because of how much Parker likes them. I just keep seeing his face on that day in my garage. He saw the album cover there and he probably said one of his intentional slang words or said something sexual in his excitement about me owning this album. This thought taints my enjoyment of this album and I feel horrible for that. It doesn't feel right that my friends love of a band should make me feel embarassed about it. The other reason is that the band has become far to linked with Simka. That same day she stumbled in my garage and fell to the floor and asked for a pen because she needed to write down the name of this beaustiful music that was playing. We talk about it a lot. Oh Comely sits in my head as the beging of our relationship though we were never really in a relationship and Naomi is the end. Played off a disk she bought for me three months ago but I was only able to play it starting last week, its sentimental and its sweet and it makes me home sick and I resent Simka's assosiation in my mind with it. If you can I beg you to listen to it now in the playlist and you might see what I mean.

The third topic I want to discuss is homesickness. First the blog nhen Neutral Milk Hotel and now homesickness. I apologise for the lenth of this. I don't meand homesickness for albany. Right now I feel little sentimental attachment to that town or that house. Neither of thouse even seem quite real, I had caught a high fevor and dreamed it in the fog. This feeling is more then that I was seven, living in ous second house in California when I lied down in the center of the hallway outside the computer room where my dad ws working and started crying. They couldn't get me to move. I said I wanted to go home. My dad said I was home. I had been living there for more then a year which was an eternity for a seven yar old and it did feel like home but that wasn't it. I thought I was weeping for the house in New Jersey but I wasn't. I have that same yerning now sometimes. Because there isn't a place that is home its just a feeling that we sometimes atach to a place. Its that feeling I wept for. I will never have that feeling again. Maybe I knew that when I was seven and so I cryed. It will never ever ever be better then this. It will never ever ever be better then this.

always a wrench I have become, so empty

No comments: