Broken Home, Broken Heart

I have, I think, sympathy till the end of the earth. I did. at least I did. the other day I was walking with Ulysses and he was telling me about a friend who has died. or not a friend but a girl in his studio, who he knew, a kind aquantance, viewd highly. she was dead. and hes shaken. and he wanted to come to brooklyn to be with people who didn't know her and didn't know what happened. to have a good time and a fun time and not think about it for a little bit and be at peace. and we're walking around the block and hes telling me this. and I don't care. I don't feel sympathetic. and thats fucked up. and I mean he didn't really know her. and then he was talking about his aunt who died when he was seven. the only other major death in his life.

and I am empathetic. I am. I want very much to feel for him. this is a major loss to the guy. the biggest he's ever had. and someone our age. and it does remind that it's possible. we are not invincible. one thing and then you're dead and thats it. that's it.

but all I'm thinking is how cheesey everything he's saying is. and all I'm thinking is how horrible I am for thinking this. and how detached I have become. I really want to care but I don't care. I used to care even when I didn't want to.

and maybe it's because it's so minor. maybe it's because I wanted to shake him and say You want an epifany? Than Have The Fucking Guts To Have An Epiphany Before An Excuse Like Your Friend Dying Comes Along. maybe because I wanted to tell him I didn't give a fuck about his aunt dying, and some girl he kinda sorta knew. My dad is dead I wanted to tell him. My dad is dead for ten years. For half my life. this goddamn month. I don't know the day. I hate that I don't know the day. it could be today. it could be ten years today my dad is fucking dead. I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself my dad is dead.

but really I wanted to have sympathy. for my ailing friend I wanted to have honest sympathy. I think he knew it wasn't honest. I used to have sympathy. I didn't mention my dad at all. that would be rude pulling of focus. I hate when people do that.

cry yourself to sleep at night