All Mine

Parker asked me if I had self loathing issues. Fuck. I said I didn't. And I said I didn't because generaly I don't. There was a good amount of time in my life that I had those issues a lot but with a few exceptions (hello febuary) that time has passed. I like who I am these days. I am ok with myself. I am who I want to be, well close to it at least. Making progress. Every couple months I look back, esspecialy using old blog posts, and think of how much of an ideot I was and everytime I do that I feel good because it means I've grone since then. And this is ok.

BUT

for the last four or five days I have hated myself. Because I am an asshole when I am with people. And its through making the joking remarks I always make and laughing about them but somehow without me noticeing they have become asshole remarks. These are because I do resent most of my friends and all of my family and this shity house and I do want to go back to new york. And this resentment makes me into an asshole. And worse then that for the last four days I know I am being an asshole wile it is going on but I don't stop and its killing me. I didn't mean for this to happen. And I don't see the solution right now but I do hate myself for it.

just know that I am trying.

you have to be