Daylight

There is certainly a differance between imeediate emotion and state of mind. imediate emotion is what you are feeling right now. How are you? I am generaly content. almost always content infact unless i am in class or trying to fall asleep almost always content. neither happy nor angery nor depressed i don't really have an emotion at all. I just go. and thats alright. when I am with friends it tends to be scewed a bit towards happy. state of mind is different. its the less imediate emotion the over tones of the chords of your life. for as long as i can remember it was generaly depressed. I was a depressed kid. that defined me. in summer a lot my state of mind was happy though so theres that it wasn't I think until the end of my junior year that the needle started swinging like it does. I am no longer a depressed kid. except sometimes. I am happy a lot but it goes back and forth wildly sometimes going each way and back within a week.

that wasn't the point

the point I was trying to make is when i was depressed I thought well i'd give so much in order to be happy. I would compromise. and when I started to be happy I thought well this is great far be it from me to complain but depression is better its truer I think better thoughts when depressed I'm humbler and smarter and more artistic an more honest. And now I'm seeing so many depressed people who just wallow in themselves and think oh i am a victum oh why is life like this oh everything is falling apart. And today i think I was probably like that when depressed. not honest not humble not smart not true. And today i thought i am not happy certainly. But I am so far from depressed, depressed is at the moment descusting to me. And today i thought well what am i cause i am not emotionless, i am not content there has to be something an i realized my state of mind is angry. I AM ANGRY. and I think maybe I was wrong all along maybe angry is the way to be.

because angry lets me say stand up fuck you you are to blame for your depression you are not living before you die and it lets me say THANK GOD that everything is falling apart because I want to build it again and much better then you did and THANK GOD that i don't believe in forever because forever is boring as fuck and i don't want to die because forever is death, its giving up,its seeking confort instead of the best you do need to destroy what you have in order to create and thank god that i am angry an thank your god that i just don't care.

I love the falling apart. I love this transitory. I love the beauty in the breakdown. I love this anger.

anywhere feels like home