Crazy

There is a common movie plot formula (expecialy childrens movies) that consists of the main character hating they're own life and whishing for a different one, but when they receive the life they want they soon discover that its not what they thought it would be, and that the main characters origonal life was better. Theres another term I herd I forget where that 'if everyone put they're problems on the table and saw everone else's, we'd all take our own back' and its trying to tell us to be happy with what we have. be content. And I always thought fuck thats not what it means. It means we would all rather be comfortable that we would all much rather have what is familiar to us then what is better that no one wants to take risks because we all are sure our luck is bad and that is the only lesson I learnt.

probably

If I Had A Heart

right now

i am tired of passionate angry angst depression though i will get back to it. remmeber that calm depression? or maybe it isn't even depression and just 'feeling sad' the shins depression the young marble giants depression the quiet loanly hot chocolate and a movie and lying down and dying and all the cheesy lines that somehow don't sound cheesy right then depression. the never self indulgent depression. does no one have this anymore?

this will never end

Dead Flag Blues

for years, I think since I was in seventh grade and ending last year when I started to receive a certain amount of unexpected female attention, I made a point to avoid looking at myself in mirror. I'd glance at myself momentarily after my morning shower to make sure noting what wildly out of place and then go. don't linger. keep moving. the rest of the day. Why did I do this? because though I was a moron in my younger years I was a rather bright moron and occasionally I'd have some incite. Through the first two grades of middle school I realized that, wile the common assumption is that people look like they act, its generally the opposite: People act how they look.

which is to say if someone looks tall and lanky they'll develop that lanky personality, if they're attractive in a main stream way they'll take to drugs and parties, if they're attractive in a bookish way they'll take to books, if they're not all that attractive in a scrawny way, well, it seems like they'd take to hanging out with me and my friends and ripping on the rest of this well oiled system.

I am ashamed of this but my and my friends even as far as to coin a pseudo-psychological term "ugly girl syndrome" to explain why so many ugly girls (ugly exclusively in a classic sense, not more interesting looking but still ugly girls) had lousy personalities. This happens in greater ratios when the girl is in a group of friends that contains a large amount of attractive girls. The ugly girl feels starved for attention or left out and her personality develops to compensate. Or, an even better explanation, people just treat her like an ugly person. They assume she has the qualities that people who look like her tend to posses and she'll develop these qualities to fit the expectations of those around her.

And similarly, not all tall lanky people have even remotely similar personality, but people from a young age treat them like they do and they conform to these expectations.

another explanation is that they look in the mirror in the morning and impose these expectations on themselves.

so I said fuck that, I am who I am. And when I have no idea what I look like that's not a problem. well, people still treated me like I looked but I was blissfully unaware of why they were treating me that way, and thought them to be crazy.

but that didn't really get me laid.


I got a computer and I told my self that when I got a computer I would start a tumblr. An excuse to engage my purely visual thoughts, and great things I found on the internet, and to generally join the growing community. so here it is: liars.tumblr.com. Unlike the turntable, its meant for mass consumption, I wouldn't mind just anyone finding about about it. In fact, I'd like tons of people to know about it. But its not really for words, at least not in long form, and the turntable will continued to be updated. enjoy.

i said, kiss me you are beautiful - these are truly the last days.

Darts of Plesure

hmm, I don't even care for Firefly all that much, or well, its intreeging but I've only watched about two epesodes and don't care to watch any tv at all right now, but... the theme song for the show is much much better then it has any right to be.

Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be
Since I found serenity
But you can't take the sky from me.

Jackie used to say her favorite word, I think, was euphoria. I told her mine is serenity. And I thought, all I want in life is serenity. just to be ok with it. and, of course, I don't want that anymore, I want passion. And I guess when it comes down to it all I have is passion, I have no serenity.

Parker was here two weeks ago. We spent a weekend just talking and playing guitar and seeing concerts. It was more or less surreal and amazing. what we talked about mostly was ourselves. music, and culture, and people and girls and ourselves. And when it came down to it... look, we're assholes. the think I remeber the sharpest is when parker said "Its really just because we think we're better then everyone. We do think we're better than everyone. We think our ideas are better, we think how we live our lives are better..." and he's right. we do. We are assholes.

I am an asshole. I will always hate the people around me because... because they like mcdonalds, or because they don't know what fallafel is, or because they listen to kings of leon or becase they like the shins but for the wrong reasons. I hate people because they wait at crosswalks or becasue they won't go into public parks after night or becasue they wear nice clothes or because they don't know who sonic youth is, or even because they know who sonic youth is and think thats a big accomplishment. I AM SUCH AN ASSHOLE. I just smile and lie to all these people and more.

And besides for that I am self obsessed. to the point of narssesism. All I think about is my self and where I got it right and where I am an asshole. all I think about is who I am. All my film ideas are about the person I want to become, which is just a way of making films about an idealized version of my self. all I think about is myself.


In the documentry Helvetica theres two main points of view expressed about use of the font. The modernists of the fiftys and sixties thought it was neutral and clear and beautiful. They used it for everything. The eightys and ninetys thought it was bland and meaningless and a corprate simbol. That you needed expressive fonts to say expressive things. The modernests thought these people were just making the world less beautiful. The later artists didn't think aestetic beauty was the end all.

in one of the end scenes they showed a verry resent young artist who used helvetica a lot. he didn't know or care about the debate around it. He wasn't concerned so much about the philosophy of aestetics over all or nihilism over all. He just made good art that he liked. We are the younger generation who grew up fast and our ignorance is setting us free. its alowing us to do the best work.

another case is with political corectness. Two generations ago they are/were verry politicaly incorect. They were racist and sexist and hit their kids in school and all sorts of other things. The generation above us changed the cuture and made a point to be verry politicaly correct (they invented the term). They didn't use red pens in school, they tiptoed around words, they said African American, and all sorts of other horrible things. Our generation is breaking down pollitical correct, but we're not snaping back to our grandparents. We just say what makes sence. No bullshit. We use helvetica to say sunshine.

words are poison

Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space

I have started to make a soundtrack to my own disappearance. Constructing in my head and semi-actively on a tape songs and albums I would take with me when I run away. Not that I plan on disappearing, because I don't. But the thought interests me. My decaying green cd case holds thirty discs. What goes in it? My tape, ninty minnutes. And I think, you know, it has been a wile since the Beatles graced the interior of my opitical drive, the stones, much much longer. These days I trafic in Lighning Bolt and Holy Miranda and Ride, but, they would not make it in. Had I a twelve hour bus trip to a place where once again I knew no one I would revert back to the timeless I think. Arctic Monkeys, Cat Power, The Shins, I think. Music to keep me alive.

Somehow I feel like... I'm at an end. or, more that I'm at The end. That my story is closing. "And after the hardship and the struggle and the unrestrained joy, stuart came to pratt to die."

I don't plan on dying. Its just a feeling.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this right now. I'll snap out of it.

all i want in life

Wake

I have been thinking a bit about the concept of transience. Last saturday (thats how long I've been meaning to write this post. Its been a fucking busy week)...Last saturday I saw so many amazing things, so many incredible little happenings that I experienced one by one by accident. All by my self, without my camera. And I think - I have to tell someone about this. I have to let someone know of all the small magical insignificant moments that occurred. And then I thought that no. How brilliant it is that there is no evidence. How amazing that I would be the only one to experience this day just as I experienced it and it would never happen again. How amazing that these things were here and gone. And if noone else could have the day like I did then why try to give them that experience, knowing that your attempts are futile. And so I didn't talk about it, except to tell people that saturday was good, and I didn't talk about it again, and I didn't talk about it again.

And I think, art, in itself, is a lie. Sure its a lie to tell the truth but why should it hold up next to the unadulterated truth? Yes a photograph can be beautiful, and movies intoxicating, and paintings and sculpture and music and so on. But my eyes see in billions of colors with gigantic resolution and infinite color depth. My ears here crystal clear uncompressed audio in ten thousand point surround sound. My skin feels the wind and the pavement and the rush of this city pulsing through my vains. I am the perfect entertainment system with beautiful experiences displayed through it eighteen hours a day, every day I live, and if I payed a bit more attention to it then I would perfect the art of living.

but that burden's not on you

Girl Afraid

There's a scene in a lot of movies and tv shows and general feel good pulp where an older person is asked about their life and this person says "yes, it was hard, but you know what? If I went back I would do it all again the same. I don't regret anything" and I think bull shit. and I think you know what? if I went back again I would do it all differently I would change every single tiny thing I did. I regret everything. I do. I regret everything.

but really, I don't want to go back. the thought of doing so would keep me up at night. even the good parts were bad and thinking of it any other way I think would be lying to myself. It has all been such a struggle every single goddamn step and though I suppose its turned out alright which is to say thouse struggles made me who I am now and I like who I am, does that make them worth it? If I was stuck back as me as a three year old and told "well, your going to have the next fifteen years as constant struggle, and probably more after that, but it will be worth it becasue at eighteen you'll like the person you are" would I go for it? would I think that was worth it? I don't think so.

but thouse fifteen years are over now and I will never have to repeat them. amen.

i'll never make that mistake again