the turntable

the city

2012-01-25T13:52:00.001-08:00

she told me you can't go back to the person you were, you can't ever and I told her to hell with that I will make of myself as I want to be and she said that no you can't, it won't be real anymore, it will be too thought out, you will see through it, you can't do it purely like you were I said there isn't anything about me I haven't premeditated, that's not how I work, that's not something I can change no matter how much I want to, everything about me I have made, I have thought out and considered what was best. there is nothing I like about myself that is not intentional, it was only ever the bad things, the social fuck ups, the empty egotism the selfishness the shyness, these were the things that I did not intend, nothing I like about myself I did accidentally. I told her there are probably things you like about me that I did without premeditation or I hope there are, things you don't tell me because you're not one to wax about the things you like about me or tell me anything you like about anyone and I thought perhaps that's a thing I like about girls, they must like about me things I have not noticed, things my sweeping arm of introspection, of self searching, ever turning, has not found.

but i'm not unsympathetic!

solders of february

2012-01-25T12:06:00.000-08:00

who was I talking to who asked me if I viewed music like photography or like film, and I said no! I view film like music. and I explained breifly my whole thing with the words viseral and intoxication and they thought it was all hella intresting, which was weird because I don't expect people to find it intresting like that. but you don't understand. I view everything like music. (it was henry, I remember) I view everything like music. becasue somehow I've found that we as a culture view music correctly, or at least the indie croud or at least the old post punk/indie punk/experimental rock crowd does. art without the pretence, that has to neccessarily sweep you away without you wanting it too, but is also depth and complex and true. like chris says, low art high craft, except this is high art, high art in low places. because anger is as important as sublime awe, but there are much much fewer statues in the met about it, sex is as important as intellectual contemplations and there deserves to masterpeices about it. And it needs to sweep you away, it's not something you breifly ponder or have as decoration, and if it compells you to treat is as such than it has failed. art should not be a part of your life such as your afternoon sandwitch or your coworkers anecdotes it should be life. and somehow people in certain spheres of music seem to recognize this, in ways no one seems to get about film or fiction or especially art. So I look at everything like music. everything should be like music. my life should be like music.

the recluse

2012-01-25T11:33:00.000-08:00

I am never going to tire of lower case letters. Hillary asked me if I write poetry and i told her I didn't but I write an astonishing amount of songs that never get put to music, binding me to a meter that I feel is much needed, allowing me to break it only when doing something willfully irreverent becuase free verse read will not make someone uncomfortable but even a droped rhyme is offensive when sung, though I really often want to be offensive. but now I am reading a book Hillary demanded I track down and I've writen a short poem in iambic pentamiter of all things and I intend to write more.

more lyrics without music

2011-12-14T09:49:00.000-08:00

this sprang into my head while blasting cat power in my headphones and walking to school yesterday.

well I talked to the devil and he lied to me
said that love would set me free
and pull me down to the burning sea
but instead it just purified my disease.

your face, you eyes, your lips, your skull, your bones
you cast my eyes away from me
you took my heart where no one goes
you said it wasn't all that bad
it's so bad but no one even knows
carry me half way down
cause it's the only place I want to know
no more milk white smile and crystal clothes
with crystal teeth and my eyes uncomposed
and clean floors of polished pearl, white luck, sit down, shut up
I want to feel concrete between my toes
I want the radiant solitary cry
but all I see my love just grows
keep away from me my love just grows

I saw the devil and he lied to me
said that love would set me free
and drag me down to the burning sea
but instead I find everything to be clean
instead I'm floating up and I will curse you
said devil pull me down I'd rather burn
said god please shake this love from me
this isn't what you said it'd be
it isn't what you said it'd be.

new song fragment

2011-11-30T10:11:00.000-08:00

i actually wrote this the first time over the summer and have recomposed it several times, but this is the current version.

'shelter is not a sensation'

she said.

'at least not one you can plug

in the back of your head'

'I don't want warmth'

she said.

'I don't want food

I want to starve

to suffocate

I don't want water

I don't want sleep

I don't want sex

I don't want to breath

I don't want it true'

I don't know what to do with you

new song lyrics

2011-11-30T10:10:00.000-08:00

I guess she didn't
didn't know what to say
to end it

her eyes were red
torn knee, wet hands,
bad dreams, always

I told her to be strong
told her to satisfy
what she had inside
tucked in backup files
tucked away for rainy days
that never came

they say on the news
-he used to say thouse eyes looking out at you-
the tide has risen
it's contense looking for new food

the surf now hits the sidewalk
polished to new life
It's going out here

so heres to this breath
heres to our eventual pain
heres to the sun thats going out
and to the endless pouring rain
you always thought that it was always just the same
but it'll never be that way again

and when it comes
I'll be gone
one thing I know
that I won't be there beside you
I'm not gonna be there beside you
we always said
that we were gonna die alnoe
but god we didn't even know

Modern Leper

2011-07-17T00:06:00.001-07:00

...I never expected for it to be this late. i haven't anticipated. And it's weird, because I know how much this is a generic thought. You've never been as old as you are now, and this is always true at every moment and so is not very novel. But I feel lost, I feel like I have no direction because I never really wanted a direction past this. I never wanted to be older than I am now. I am twenty years old. I remember writing on this blog on my eighteenth birthday, telling you that I didn't know how I feel about it. That I'd let you know. Well I feel like shit. I feel like shit about being over eighteen. I feel like shit about being over twenty.

The last time I felt this I was eighteen, the day leading up to my departure back to new york and to college. And the problem is, so little has changed since then. My dreams are the same, my ambitions. I've accomplished very little more artisticly. My friends are the same. So little has resolved. So little has gotten better, or, really, worse except for the fact that it's two years later. The same people read this blog that did when I posted my eighteenth birthday message (or less, do Parker and Jackie and Diana still read this? Does Simka?) So little has changed.

And I don't want to go forward. I want to stand here like a child. I want to go out like a baby. A child throwing a tantrum. I don't want to move forward. I want to lay down and pound my fists on the ground and cry.

There are times when you know nothing is going to make it better. Were I actually a child there could possibly be someone to pick me up and hold me and bring me steemed milk with cinnemon and tell me things would be fine and mean it completely. And I would feel better perhaps. I don't know. But that would just make me feel like shit now. I don't have love and before now i've always just looked at myself as the antagonist in that situation. To be viewed as creul by how much I hurt other people through not having love. And I forget that probably at the center I am the one hurt. I am the victum. Because no one can tell me it will be alright. I don't trust anyone when they say that. I don't trust anyone. I don't love anyone.

Nothing is going to make this better. but perhaps tomorrow or I will be able to think about other things instead. This is what I hope for.

Sometimes it bothers me to think about these writings about my faith in love. And my beliefe in love. I'm afraid I'm being silly. You read a lot of old writers and philosophers and romantics writings from before the wars and they talk about god. And their loosing faith. and how if there is no god, and they fear there isn't, than there is nothing. If they have no belief than how are they supposed to go on living? And I want to tell them, no! you don't need it! you don't need god, or belief. you can live without fine. you just don't think so because you're unacustomed to the idea, you put to much stock in faith in god.

And I fear that some young intellectual sixty years from now will look at me and my generation and say "no! you don't need to believe in true love! It's silly, and you can live without it fine!" I worry. but until then I fear I need someone to come along to fall in love with.

well i am ill but i'm not dead

Broken Home, Broken Heart

2011-06-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

I have, I think, sympathy till the end of the earth. I did. at least I did. the other day I was walking with Ulysses and he was telling me about a friend who has died. or not a friend but a girl in his studio, who he knew, a kind aquantance, viewd highly. she was dead. and hes shaken. and he wanted to come to brooklyn to be with people who didn't know her and didn't know what happened. to have a good time and a fun time and not think about it for a little bit and be at peace. and we're walking around the block and hes telling me this. and I don't care. I don't feel sympathetic. and thats fucked up. and I mean he didn't really know her. and then he was talking about his aunt who died when he was seven. the only other major death in his life.

and I am empathetic. I am. I want very much to feel for him. this is a major loss to the guy. the biggest he's ever had. and someone our age. and it does remind that it's possible. we are not invincible. one thing and then you're dead and thats it. that's it.

but all I'm thinking is how cheesey everything he's saying is. and all I'm thinking is how horrible I am for thinking this. and how detached I have become. I really want to care but I don't care. I used to care even when I didn't want to.

and maybe it's because it's so minor. maybe it's because I wanted to shake him and say You want an epifany? Than Have The Fucking Guts To Have An Epiphany Before An Excuse Like Your Friend Dying Comes Along. maybe because I wanted to tell him I didn't give a fuck about his aunt dying, and some girl he kinda sorta knew. My dad is dead I wanted to tell him. My dad is dead for ten years. For half my life. this goddamn month. I don't know the day. I hate that I don't know the day. it could be today. it could be ten years today my dad is fucking dead. I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself my dad is dead.

but really I wanted to have sympathy. for my ailing friend I wanted to have honest sympathy. I think he knew it wasn't honest. I used to have sympathy. I didn't mention my dad at all. that would be rude pulling of focus. I hate when people do that.

cry yourself to sleep at night

I Walked

2011-03-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

remember middle school? When we all realized how awful the pack system was? When individuality was the biggest goal, to swim upstream, to be true to yourself. when not caring about what anyone thought was the ultimate goal? and everyone else was against us. And suddenly we go to art school and film school and when all the people who always thought this are together we all become little socialists. we become so concerned with relating to other people, with avoiding pretentiousness and being down to earth and on level with the masses. So fuck it. If this is pretentiousness than I am pretentious. Because I like what I like and don't like what I don't like. Because I don't take how manny people like something into account. I still hate the structure of social interactions, the politics, the game. I still hate people as much as ever. I know I can't relate to anyone anymore. I can't find anyway to relate to anyone anymore. I still just want to be myself. and unfortunately I am still an outsider for it. and don't ever be mistaken, there is nothing glamourous or cool or fun about being an outsider.

that it's me, it's my fault

Runaway

2011-02-07T16:21:00.000-08:00

on running.

I'm trying to explain to her that I don't look down on people with tastes other than mine, that I almost admire them. that who am I to think less of someone because they like to be entertained by their entertainment? that they like their films and music to work with their life not for their life to work for their music and films and books. that they like to have fun and not worry about anything other than the mass of things they already have to worry about. How can I think less of them?

its just -

I am not them. did I used to want to be them? maybe briefly. middle school was hard you know. I still envey them. but I like my life. I like how I live. theres nothing wrong with it. I am not going to try to be them.

and its just -

if I seem begrudged its because there is only one of me and many of them. and because I came to new york and to art school to try to find more people like me. because traditionally thats where you went to find them. and shit its cool that art school is no longer full of pretentious pricks I guess but - - Where do I look now? whats my next option? there are no artists in the art scene. there are no artists in the underground music scene. there are no artists in the film scene. the art scene resents artists. independant music and independant film now resents artists. where am I suppossed to look?

I walk into a fruit store and the halls are filled with vegtables. I look dissatisfied. The clerk scoffs at me, angry, righteous. What, do I have a problem with vegitabels? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is it that I find fruit so supirior?

No, i wave my arms in the air trying to explain. No! I love vegtables! They are amazing! without them all my favorite food would be gone! Its just - I was looking for fruit right now! I haven't had any in a while! And if the fruit store no longer sells any than where am I supposed to go? Where am I supposed to look! Will I never taste fruit again!

not that she believes me. or cares. keep running.

at least you know that's what i'm good at

Whiskey Bottle

2010-12-21T14:50:00.000-08:00

I had an odd relization that came from me quitting pot.

you see, it wasn't working for me. it wasn't. though I quite enjoy it, it just doesn't effect me the way it seems to do for the people who can function with it. I like movies less high, I like music less high. I Like Music Less high. thats something. on top of that it gives me heavy lithargic hangovers and made it harder to concentrait in my sober life, made me less productive, less ambitious, more content. the worst think is it seems to have stifled my emotions. I don't go crazy when I'm somking even semi regularly. I need to go crazy. I need to feel.

All this is not the point though, because you can't say pot is a bad thing. so many people I know, primary of which is Jackie and Mike Martinez, smoke every day as much as they can and don't suffer from ANY of this. any of it. in fact they like everything more when their high, they can function, they can feel, they can pay attention.

so many people I know hate pot because they don't believe this. They think jackie or mike are lying, that pot always has these heavy negative side effects.

so many stoners I know hate these straight laced people, they think pot is harmless and largly without these bad results.

and it all comes from the assumption that how it affects me is how it will effect other people. HOW THEIR MIND WORKS IS THE SAME AS HOW MY MIND WORKS. how it affects me is exactly how it effects everyone.

I can think of no line of thinking that has caused more resentment or wrongdoing. I used to hate other kids becasue my mind worked in straight lines and easy logic and it was so easy I didn't understand why theres didn't aswel. other kids used to hate and look down on me because they didn't understand why I couldn't write, why I had trouble making fucking marks on paper. cultures clash because we have different deffinitons of good and bad, of scary and calm, of what good tasting food is we think "thats oviously bad to me so it must be oviously bad to everyone, why do these people like such bad things?"

we are much less alike than we think we are. we are all at a base level seperait. WE ARE NOT THE SAME you and i. basically alone. and if we realize that we will be able to better come together.

not forever but for now

Limit To Your Love

2010-11-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

when was it? I guess crystal castles played here in march, josane wanted me to go with her i didn't have the money, i didn't listen to them then but i think they played since though its hard to tell as it always seems to be at terminal 5, the same venue, but lets just say it was august. August crystal castles played terminal 5 in hells kitchen and pictures went up on brooklyn vegan (a good site if you live in the city despite its obnoxious name) and alice glass wnt crazy and gave people death looks and i think hit one person and screamed bloody hell and drank jack daniels wiskey out of the bottle on stage and it was all quite violent except it was lost on the crowd of people who seemed mostly around sixteen, female, yeah i'm sexist too, high on weed maybe exticy, dancing, there for the bro-step dub-step as fuck openers and to general party.

yes i am bitter, everyones bitter, youre bitter too but all of this is not important.

I was not there. I just saw the pictures on brooklyn vegan. whats important is the internet trolls. all of them. who said 'her schtick is such a joke' they made sarcastic comments they rolled their eyes. And it got me thinking.

What is the nature of reality?

not bullshit, thats what I thought.

When is something someone does real or not?

Lets break it down. Nirvana's angst, we can all asume, was real. Why? Because as far as they were concerned there was nothing to be gained from it. The only thing they thought their violence would ern them is being kicked out home and ostracized from the comunity. for girls at clubs to look at them and say get some money and a unripped pair of pants and maybe I'll get back to you. They had everything to loose, social, politicaly, finacialy, from their violence but they did it anyway. that they were succseful from it was a fluke of couse, they never understood it themselves.

Now, Audioslave's violence we can asume to be false. They at the time had everything to gain from it. They could do it without anyone outcasting them, they could make tons of money from it, they could look cool. The could do it and look cool as all hell. So they followed the formula: distorted guitar + angsty lyrics + ripped clothes = violence. its just something they did. it took no corage.

But now, in essance, everything is ok, at least in our imploding hipster brooklyn. if you do something crazy people will asume you're more artistic than them so they will pretend its ok so they can seem more artistic than you. No one is going to get shit for anything. So anything can be faked. And we don't know whats real and whats fake anymore.

Alice Glass Could Be Fake. which is to say I could have gotten up there, yelled, and drank Jack out of a bottle, theres an easy formula. She didn't have to be angry and see the bottle sitting there and say FUCK EVERYONE and just go drink it on stage. because saying fuck everyone implys that someone wouldn't want you to do that, when its exactly what all the people in the audience and all the record exects wanted her to do.

but on the flip side it means everyones twice afraid of doing anything real, because now not only will half the world not understand and kick you out for it, the other half now will say your a phony, pandering. so now the real artistic of us, or at least the potential artistic in us, walk around with our heads down trying not to do anthing out of the orenary because if we do now we won't only hear crys of "YOUR A FUCKING WERDO" we'll aslo hear crys from our piers of "OH THATS SO FUCKING OUT OF THE ORDINARY ISN'T IT? YOU MUST BE SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOURSELF. I GUESS YOUR SO FUCKING ARTISTIC/BADDASS."

for the record I think Alice Glass is telling the truth. And as much as we can say that authenticity shouldn't matter in music, that its a rockist sentiment, it does matter. It does. It matters in music because it matters in real life, more than anything I can think of right now. tell the truth. don't sell yourself short. fuck them all. they can fucking die.

so carelessly there

Oh

2010-09-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

In regard to many aspects of my life, my point of view and plan of attack seems to stem from that fact that my mother is a hack at what she does. That is, I think she's a hack, and have always thought that shes a hack. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing person and the best mother a kid could ask for a great at a lot of things and all that, but at her chosen profession she is really not very good at all. And yet. And yet for a huge number of years she was employed in this field, and not only employed but making serious money, for a while over 100k a year. Now she hasn't been able to find a job around that since the dot com bubble burst in 2001, but still, that's ridiculous. But I always knew she was a hack and its always bugged me. And she has always urged me to learn to self-promote, to pitch myself and so on in order to get ahead.

So I went the other way and determined that if I get ahead it will be because I'm the best, to work on improving my skills instead of improving my means to convince people of these skills. And to work towards this not only in myself but to demand it of all things. To buy the product that is better made, not the one with the best marketing campaign, to always try to know which one this is. To find the best movies, not the easiest ones. To work hard to know the difference between something good and something bad. This is whats important to me.

Like Adrian I have somehow been able to work harder towards my goals recently, I don't know why. In that past month I've improved at guitar at speeds which are stunning to me. I've been able to keep up an extreemeley consistant workout routine, I've been teaching myself to cook good food everyday, from ingredients bought at discount, so I don't have to choose between decent health and buying music anymore. I've watched a lot of movies, got a job, a girlfriend.

That being said, I've been able to do all this with what feels like only a marginal amount of work. I can only imagine what I can do with further effort, but whatever it is I need to do it. Now is the time to get ahead not just by being surprisingly good, but by being the best. By working the hardest. And I intend to do it.

and if there is a god he still loves you

Maybes

2010-08-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

my head is in patterns that have started to get choppy, its rearranging, and I'm hoping its getting my life somewhere new.

yes no

Djed

2010-07-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

I've been getting a lot of shit for my music recently and its getting to me. mostly because one of the big things I was looking forward to with being home for the summer was not having to hide my music, being able to play it loud and talk about it with out compromise. aloud to be passionate about what I'm passionate about. and yet I feel persicuted on all sides, from my family from my friends, I've been acused of pretention and of mocking other peoples tastes - things I've worked hard to avoid, I've been laughed at, eyes rolled at me, I've been not taken seriously. I feel isolated again, maybe even more so than at pratt, because at least there I knew better enough than to play anything for anyone. Here I thought people would be cooler with the stuff I like and it set me up for getting shut down much more often.

the worst part is I've been acused of not genuanly liking the music I listen to. it happened once back in new york and then again today, by someone I respect. "I mean, be honest, you don't actually like that stuff". that hurts the most, and on a base level.

and the problem is, I didn't even think my tastes are that far out, at least not much farther than at any other time to explain this suden jump in persecution. I mean, last summer I was in a blissful shock and awe over Sunn 0))), and noone seemed to get on my case. This summer I listen to dance music and loads of The National and some alternitive hip hop.

so let me level. I LIKE THIS STUFF. saying otherwise would be dishonest. its not work for me, its what I love, and if I have to hide it in order to contiue listening to it I will. I'm sorry if it sounds crappy to you but I really truly wish you would shrug it off and think "I probably just don't get it" and to each his own and all that like I've been doing with you and your music. This is killing me.

never die

Alice Practice

2010-07-14T01:57:00.000-07:00

Toy Story came out when I was four. they released, of couse, toys to mimic the ones found in the movie about toys and insead of making woody as he is in the film, cheep cloth, big plasic head, pull string, five phrases, cutting edge technology cira nineteen sixty three and charging three or five bucks a peice they put out these even cheeper made rags of toys and the same for buzz lightyear and I thought, well, these are a frail reproduction of a frail reproduction of a cowboy. an imprint of an imprint. and it was the same all around me. instead of real restarants we had things mimicing some perverded fantasy of the fifties. instead of real adventure we had jeans pre faded and pre ripped. instead of musical instuments we gave our kids fake press-button guitars. instead of real fights we had fake apologies forced upon us. maybe it was just the nineties, it was the age of artifice. maybe it was the boomers not wanting anything to fade, wanting to fake it forever instead of letting anything go. maybe not. and imprint of an imprint of an imprint.

and thats the problem really everything is trying to be something else that it isn't. borrowed. instead of posters trying to look the best they try to look like something trying to look the best fifteen years ago. Instead of groups trying to get the best sound they can they try to get the sound of groups from '94 trying to get the best sound they can and not doing that well. Los Campesinos said, in that thing they do where they say something not deep at all and completely ovious that for some reason no one has the courage to say out right because of how imature it sounds, they said "they've apropriated everything we've ever loved, dressed it up in quotations and fluff".

And so it ocurs to me that nerds these days are no longer doing what they do because they're smart and rejected by the mainstreem, they're doing it because thats what they preceve nerds as doing, and they think of themselves as a nerd. Which is to say, most nerds these days aren't smart at all they just think those things are cool. most artists don't get art at all they just think its cool too. most people who listen to weird music don't get anything at all.

in high fidelity (fuck me for thinking to refreance this. fuck this.) theres a line about him feeling like the guy who shaves his head into a mohawk one day and swears that he's always been a punk. and I think - thats every punk. What do you think they were born that way? They just up and shaved their head out of the blue before you met them. Everyones a poser, those you think are the real things are just better at posing consistantly, keeping they're story straight, ridding themselves of any human incosistancy in they're chosen characer.

you see I used to use that little bit whenever someone acused another of being a poser or a fake - to defend the attacted by saying we are all posers equily so you can't be a dick to this guy in particular. but now I see it another way - we are all posers. we are all a decreped pile of phonys - too self councious and self ironic to even use the word phony based on its connotations. the world is made up of echoes of echoes. jocks pretending they're losers pretending they're the oppresed poor pretending they're glamorous millionares pretending they're rebelioius angry punks pretending they're well read anarchists. imprints of imprints of imprints.

I'm bitter tonight. some drunk adults are making noise outside my window. sometimes I need to say things extreemly childish, sometimes I need to be honest to myself and say it anyway.

scares will heal soon

Hajnal

2010-07-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

so it seems to me that in many situations there are three main points of view, and these seem to be affecting a lot of things in my life so I'mma gonna dissect them.

the first one, for the sake of this, I call the General Self-Antagonizing perspective (or the depressive's perspective), which states that whenever something goes wrong it is my fault and I as a whole am bad because of it (or that I am a whole am bad, as demonstrated by this failure).

the second perspective I call the General Others-Antagonizing perspective (or the cynic's perspective), which states that whenever something goes wrong it is completely the fault of the other people involved in the situation, with little or no fault my own.

the third point of view I call the Specific Antagonizing perspective, which states when something goes wrong it's my fault and I should change it.

now to put these in better conxtext, lets say you realize that the friends you are hanging out with don't match you at all and are generally making you feel terrible:

The Self-Antagonizing person would think there must be something wrong with me that I don't fit in with these people, I must be not normal, and I should change myself to be more accepted.

The Others-Antagonizing person would think people in general (or people my age, or people in this country, etc. etc.) are horrible and don't understand me and I wish the world was better.

and the Specific Antagonizing person would think how the fuck did I get here these people are terrible I need to find a new group.

so this has become a problem in my life you see. to many people I know think they're a horrible un-lovable person on the slightest criticism, and to many people I know are angry at the world for cheating them, for not allowing them to win every time. fuck this shit. you are an amazing person, and there is a lot of goddamn room for improvement.

these are love songs and grief songs

Iron Galaxy

2010-06-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

so theres this thing called 30 days of music and I'm sure you've herd about it and though I don't know where it started I think I first herd about it through Kieron Gillen (just like everything else, the guy's half my mentor we've never met) and then trough the blogs of a couple of my freinds and my god I follow too many blogs at this point and I miss the time when it was just me jackie adrian parker and then travis. anyway. as my friends post I think about what my responce would be, I would post it myself but it would be one more thing for me to silently obsses over and it would end up being another incedibly self absorbed and self indulgent thing to add to my long list of self absorbed and self indulgent things that I already do including - hey! - this blog. day 15 I think was a song that describes you and I thought when it turned up, shit, no way. ran through a hundred songs in my head, I guess I don't listen to to many songs that describe people in the first place, or not many that describes guys. and I thought maybe the only living boy in new york to be compleatly romantic and self indulgent the matt sheehy cover in particular maybe (here) but no that sucks. and I couldn't think of anything else we are beautiful we are doomed, no rain, loser, abel, these kinds of things. and today I was thinking about the boxer, another simon and garfunkle song, because my mom mentined it while we were tlaking about the national and their album boxer. and I thought, the boxer.

the boxer was this song that followed me in a weird way when I was a kid, in that I had a strong affinity for it, a strong affinity but I didn't know what it was. and occationaly someone would hum it or it would come up on the radio and I would jump out and catch them and get them to tell me what the song was because for some reason this song remided me of when I was little (littler, I guess). and I would try to hold that in my mind, hold "the boxer by simon and garfunkle" but for some reason it never worked. between the ages of five and - probably - twelve i was curiously inable to remember the title of this song. between the ages of five and twelve I somewhat unknowingly chased this song. and, very unknowingly, in more than one way. you see, this song described me. or described what I thought I was, but probably was not. the quiet lost boy from new york who tryed to be stoic but had the scars from every thing he'd lost and was leaving now himself. thats who I wanted to be or thought I was. It takes a five year old of a weird demeanor to think that he's lost something significant and sad in that kind of way, I was weird.

and though I feel my personality pulled in a million differant directions these days thats still what I think of as the old stuart, the stuart I was at five. small, quite, honest, kind, fair, and stoic and intelligent. sad and lonely and trying to be strong. with a scar across his left eye. wishing he could go back to new york.

I am not the boxer anymore, nor do I want to be, at least not compleatly. now I'm trying to be a dosen other songs now I hope I am to angry to be sad in that way, to miss the past when I was 3. now I don't listen to the boxer.

new york is evil at its core

Ashes of American Flags

2010-05-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

No more symbolism. i'm starting to realize that its just a tool to eschew the truth, or for people to accuse other people of eschewing the truth. no more symbolism, no more allegories. Its weak, its cowardly. If you have something to say, say it.

speaking of tomorrow - when will it ever come

Ape in Cage with Wire Cutters

2010-04-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

hes a poet and hes I know in college but I can't shake the feeling, not knowing him in person, that hes sixteen because he seems to have a sixteen mindset or at least the just-finding-out-about-dada mindset I had when I was sixteen but really thats just me condesending him, i'm an asshole, and his poems are pretty alright although to be honest I didn't read much of them and the ones I did I skimed and he today writes that modern poets are shit and he talks about poetry readings where the only thing he gets from the reader is that they want people to like them that they're skreeming 'like me' through there poems pretending that thats not the case trying to be cool by delibratly trying to be differnt, the softer kind of hipsters basicly, basicly hes talking about thouse girls that live down the hall from me and lets be honest pretty much every girl at pratt and every girl back home and every girl who talks to me that I try not to talk to and then he talks about how he likes to go to the older generations poetry readings becasue they have more to offer him, and he's got that whole thing wrong of couse becasue the older generation poetry back in the day was just people trying to convince the audience that they're so cool based on snaping and stand up bass and black and that the only reason the older ones are better now is because these are the only people who stuck with it but whatever, you can't convice kids that kids are good, its too cool to hate your peirs and convince yourself that you belong with the older

THE POINT IS

in the middle of his rant he said that hes not trying to imply that his own poetry is so good or worth reading over other modern poets, hes just trying to point this all out and I think

IF THERE IS GOING TO BE A GREAT MODERN POET THE FIRST STEP WOULD BE DECLARING THAT, YES, MY OWN POEMS ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSES.

ba ba ba gonna die young

Pursuit of Happiness

2010-04-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

When a character I care about in a book dies, at least when I care enough that this fact upsets me, I am always angry at the author. I think, this book could have been its own transient, it could have been glorious, and now I have to go through the next hundred pages of heart wrench and watch the charecters recover, and try to recover with them. They're not real. I am. But it hurts me anyway. I wish she had survived, and its weird to think that someone could have had her survive. It is I guess good to think that I can still feel this much based off a book, esspecialy givin my deep seeded half-apothy for everyone I know and at one point cared about at Pratt. but it is only half-apathy, and in that there is another problem.

I am reading Looking For Alaska by John Green right now. If you don't want the book spoiled for you do not keep reading. I read one hundred and fourty three pages of it over the course of yesterday, I hope to read the rest today. I am reading this because that shirt that I countiue to covit and continue to be bitter about, that shirt hanging on diana's wall I found out is quoted - though used in a compleatly different context - from it. I remember her talking about it all the famous last words. so I found out, and I'm an ideot, and I checked it out right away from the library. I am mad at John Green though I understand why he killed Alaska. I understand that Alaska had to die because Alaska had to die. Because otherwise the book would be a charming tom sawyer or ryan mcginley type fantasy, and because of her death it is now a n intence powerful book that, because it seems to be aimed at fourteen year-olds, I know would have changed my life at fourteen. though, fuck it, that is prentention isn't it? saying, yeah this would have changed my life but I'm above that now. so fuck it. It'll change my life. I'll let it. I'm not above this. not ever. And I think IF ALASKA HAD TO DIE THAN EVERYONE I KNOW AT PRATT IS GOING TO DIE. and I think that her death and the neccesity was a condemnation on the life we live here. Its telling us that we are doomed. and I can imagine justice or mary or esspecialy paige or mike and so on, they are all going to die. theres no other way to read this. and I think of of belle and sebastion.

Take me away from here I'm dieing, he said. He said sing me a song to set me free. nobody writes them like they used to so it might as well be me. there on his own now after hours, on his own now on a bus. look at it one way you could either be sucsessful or be us. with our winning smiles and us. with our catchy tunes oh us. we're so photogenic you know WE DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

tell me what you know about dreamin

We Want War

2010-03-21T12:52:00.000-07:00

As a disclamer, I have only read a small amount of nietzsche, which puts me in a possition of one of those ideots who attempts to inturpret and cast their ideas on something they have almost no knowledge on. I meet them all the time, hell, my older sister is the biggest one in the world, so it pains me to breifly join their camp here. but nonetheless.

I've been thinking about Nietzshe's god is dead concept. Though, again, I haven't read it from his actual text, as I understand it's stating that we as a culture, as people as a whole, have for some reason lost the ability to beilieve in god. I understand that, I've spoke about it before. in my own experience I went for years, years, trying to beileve go exists, telling other people I believed, telling my self I believed, but I could not. even though I was raised with religion, and rased with that belief, I was unable to think it true. and i REALLY wanted to, I tried so hard. I could not.

and I'm thinking about our generation, and about the two or three previous to us, and I'm thinking, they had a concept of romance. of grand gestures and intence ideals, and we do not. this came up after meeting two pairs of my friends' friends. one pair being adam's friends nick and kelly from texas, and the other being paige's friends anne and garth from richmond virginia. Both pairs, in relationships, figured themselves very alternitive, in the old kinda way. which is to say, not hipsters, more punky or grungey. comited to peircings and talk of graffitti and being drifters and drugs and rebelling against money and so on. and I couldn't buy it. and I thought, these are just pale imitations of the punks of the past. but then I thought, why do I think that? what makes punks circa 1978 more authentic than punks circa 2008? and besides, I've met people who were punks when punk was alive and they are fucking horrible. if anything they didn't believe or understnad they're ideals more than the current ones.

and really it made me come to a realization. we have lost the ability to believe in romance. romance is dead and we have killed it. and I'm not talking about romance in love, though many have argued that we can't believe in that either, I've not found any trouble finding romance there. what I'm talking about is that believe in grand gestures, and that we can change the world, and stong princeipals and so on. these punks exist in small numbers and honestly it doesn't seem to me that they even beileve it themselves. and so there are no new scenes, exept for the constantly self-mocking and contredicting hipsters, who are compleatly opposed to all grand gestures, to all romance. there are no real punks, no real hippys, no riots, no full hearted protests, no drama in that way. in a way we have become a country of reluctant nihilists. we can't believe in anything, at least not that strongly.

and I think, well, isn't this a good thing? that people have calmed down and are opposed to summing up the world in one sentance and so on? that people have become realistic? and I think YEAH, of course its a good thing. its a great thing. i truly believe that for it our generation is better than ALL of them that have come before, and that when we are older we won't come off as such compleat ideots to the young.

but of course on the other hand, the world is a different, less intence place as a result. New York is not like it was in the seventy or the nintys and this is to blame. that crazy shit is not going on. that kids are going out to become designers instead of artists. that everything gets equily insulted and degraded on the internet and on tv. because when we all supsend our truth slightly together wonderful things happen. of couse things that are bullshit and devoid of truth, but wonderful anyway. Think of when everyone used to walk around in suits and dress clothes all the time. That kind of imposed formality was useless and bull shit when informality is more honest, alows for deeper connections, but what a site it made. how brillient that everyone looked sharp all the time.

so its this crappy conflict, that wide eyed romance that doesn't lead anywhere. and so I don't know. I didn't live in a time of romance, and its so likely that it was actually much more terrible than this, so I can't really talk. I don't know.

sea breeze sea breeze

The Opera House

2010-03-16T11:46:00.001-07:00

perhaps its self indulgent to say that I am going through somewhat of an identity crisis resently. but really I don't know what an identity crisis is. and really I don't like the concept of identity. I never did. I remember in eighth grade we had to write a peice on who we are with some stupid mandala theme to it and I was pissed off. I mentioned it to eva, she was too, said that truly who knows who they are at this age. that wasn't my beef. its more like when adults would tell kids there are no good and bad people just good and bad actions that people do. thats just it. at thirteen I believed that personality was more or less an ilussion, a patter people make to make their actions more predictable to others. i am not a shy person I said I act shy a lot but other times I don't. I am not a nice person I said I try to be nice as much as possible but I've done some pretty cruel things and so have you and everyone else.

diana said this summer after I said something self deprecating that I act the same around everyone, which is good, and that she herself doesn't. I could have laughed. I definatly don't. but more what she ment is that I act how I feel always and don't (except ocasionaly) sell myself short or act for someone elses benefit. this is true to an extent I guess, though at pratt I do feel like I've been half living and half expressing myself and have being true, but otherwise. I have wild inconsistantcys. I act cute around Jackie a lot for the most part but this is not I think an act its more I think cutesy things around her because its fun to and because I do like thouse things i'm just not able to indulge in them around most people. and I act crazyer around adrian, and calmer around adam and more bombastic around cj and more painfuly depressive on my own, I act like humpry bogart around lilian and neil gaiman around emily and calvin from calvin and hobs around mary and in my head i am neil cassady and so on and on and in all it seems to me sometimes that I have twenty different personalitys and thats ok, or more than ok. exept right now. because I want to be so many people right now. Its not working. Its driving me mad. Its making me feel like I'm lying and selling myself short on all ocassions. its making me feel like a cheater and a crook and its causing a good deal of unceasing noise in my head. perhaps I need to settle on one personality. perhaps I need to stop being so obsessed with myself. probably. I don't know.

which is how we feel most of the time

Olympians

2010-03-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Open mindedness is killing us.

I wrote an artical last semester for english class about rockism and poptimism and how their both compleatly flawed and how sasha frere-jones is an ideot and in my conclusion I said look, music is amazing, its brillient, the most brillient form of media ever invented, probably that ever will. it can make you laugh and cry and dance and sing at the top of your lungs like noones listening, it can make you shout and break down and feel ten thoulsand emotions that you always felt but could never put your finger on, it can make you feel less alone, it can blow your mind, it can change your life. DON'T EVER THINK MUSIC IS NOT IMPORTANT. and to say it is not worth discussing and arguing about is pretty flawed aswell. I said some music is better than others. there is such thing as good music and bad music. but this cannot be locked down, it can not be catigorized, it cannot be made into a science. therefore you cannot say one genre is better than another. thats just blatent obvious bullshit. rock is not better than hip hop. some rock is better than some hip hop. some hip hop is better than some rock. some classical is better than some electronic music, some folk iss better than some jazz. this can go on forever. I said THIS CAN ONLY BE JUDGED BY EACH PERSONS SUBJECTIVE AESTHETIC AND EMOTIONAL PREFERENCES. and ofcourse it is only natural for a person to prefer one genre over another, thats ok. to say its necceceraly better that all other genres, probably not ok.

All this is important because so many people, in order to not be a rockist, in order to have an open mind, have blown open all the doors, will no longer make a distinction between good music and bad music. They'll take the 50 cents along with the Biggie Smalls, they'll take the Britney Spears along with the Lady Gagas, its all esentialy like taking the Courteeners along with Radiohead, not distinguishing between the two. And so are music becomes muddied with crap, theres no distiction, no importance put to the sounds passing through our minds in the name of keeping it open.

This goes further. Ethan, of course, has always been the prime example. In the name of an open mind he makes no disticion between what is good and what is bad. It's just the way it is, or its just the way he is, thats always his excuse. As a result he never made an effort, as me and adrian did, to curb his overly timid tendancys. Thats just who I am he said, who says its a bad thing. Nothing to curb his sloth or self delusion and now nothing to curb his excessive pot smoking. There is no good and no evil, no right and no wrong.

I can't remember what the topic was but it was something me and my older sister was talking about but she was making one of her psudo-snobby observation on some world issue and I told her thats horrible. I mean, thats horrible. she says she isn't making a judgment, just an observation, its not her call to make and i said no, this is not it, this is creating wrong, there is a judgement to be made and she said no. no judgment, no right no wrong.

Buisnessmen use elaborate reasoning and hipsters use complex forms of irony and art students use high rationilization but there is a right and a wrong. there is good music and bad music. there is a good and evil and just because its hard to pin down and just because its compleatly subjective and just because it varys, rightfully so, from person to person does not mean it doesn't exist. though unquantifyable it is still real.

of course, don't get stuck, don't be a dick, don't disregard other people's opinions, they have a right to their own subjective good and bad. keep an open mind, just not to open.

ok lets talk about magic

The Glow, Pt. 2

2010-03-02T21:47:00.000-08:00

Something has gone despratly wrong in my life. I find myself compleatly apathetic to the people around me. Mostly my fault not theres. I am not myself. i am not there. I cannot figure out how to become myself again. Ontop of that I find myself continuously and increasingly detatched from my friends back home. how is it that I no longer respect emma esper? how is it that when I saw her over break all I could think about was rates of decay? how is it that my and jackie no longer seem to have anything to talk about? what happoned to ethan? in my life I am smoking too much pot drinking to much acohol, smoking occasional cigarettes, everything I used to hate and lets be honest still to an extent hates. I am not taking care of my body. I am eating crap. MY MUSIC SUCKS. i am not making films. I am listening to disorganized crap, things I probably wouldn't like on my own but friends sugested and I don't want to seem like a dick by not listening to. truly I am a dick or a hypocrite with music. i have been trying to listen to pop and hip hop becasue yes I know its an asshole thing to disrespect them i know and i know truly there is a lot a lot of good there and to ignore that would be to ignore a range of human emotions. and you see when in a social place and people ask me to put on music I don't want to put on my 'difficult indie and electronic' music becase noone wants to listen to it and so I put on music that i don't want to listen to or i put on my music and feel like I desprately have to defend it. no one wants to listen. I am not made for this. my grades are slipping. so is my sleep. I am spending my time by myself on the computer. I think mostly about girls. About girls who want to sleep with me who I want to sleep with but really don't want to sleep with and won't. about other girls who don't want to sleep with me and really I don't want to sleep with eather, but I think about them anyway. about diana who thinks I am an asshole which is probably a good thing of her to think. I hate myself. I never hated myself before, even during times where to be honest I was a rather hateable guy. now I hate myself. what the fuck an I doing? what the fuck am I doing?

my blood flows harshly

This Must Be The Place

2010-03-01T10:23:00.000-08:00

Just to keep with my habbit of posting everything I've writen that I'm proud of up here, this is the second part of my aplication for tranfer to SVA.

Open with a close-up of the turntable spinning as Zach's hand places the needle on the record. A mid-sixties Coltrane song plays at an extreme volume. The camera stays on the turntable while we hear Zach return to the couch. Cut to a shot from Zach's perspective where we get a sense of the garage, packed with clutter and boxes. The garage door opens, and it's so bright outside, it blows out the camera momentarily. We're only able to see Adrian once he closes the door behind himself.

Cut to a wider angle still, from the room's back corner. We now see both characters. Zach stumbles to his feet to turn down the stereo as Adrian grabs two sodas off the dresser.

"Hey," Zach says, almost as an afterthought.

Adrian hands Zach a soda and sits down on a chair to the couch's right. The camera begins to slowly dolly around the characters, giving us, for the moment, a view of Zach's face and Adrian's back. Adrian says, "Hey, how was your flight?"

Zach collapses into the couch. "Horrible." He closes his eyes. "I'm back now, though. It's great seeing you again."

By now, the camera's in front of the characters, a medium two shot. We have a full view of Zach's face; his sunken eyes, caused by sleep deprivation. Adrian can't help but notice.

"Yeah, no joke." They sit for a minute, sipping on the sodas. Zach closes his eyes. Adrian shifts in his chair.

Adrian breaks the silence. "Look, are you alright? Should I leave?" The camera begins to hesitantly cut between two over-the-shoulder close-ups.

After a beat, Zach says "I'm good, really," he smiles, opens his eyes. "That's..."

"That's the least convincing thing you've ever said?"

Zach sinks further into his seat and stares back downwards. "Yeah. Sorry."

Adrian hesitates, then sits forward, "Hey, man, um," pause, "have you spoken to Jen?"

"Um," says Zach, "yeah, I have. She's, um-" He leans forward, rests his head on his hands, his elbows on knees, stares at his feet. "She said she'd stop by later."

Zach plays with his soda cap. Adrian looks at Zach, disapprovingly.

"Zach."

Cut to a close shot of Zach's hands, between his knees, playing with soda cap, his face off the frame. It stays there as he says, without looking up, "No. I mean, it's fine. We're over it. I mean, we're all over it."

It cuts back to the close two shot of them. "No," Adrian says. He stands up, his head now above the frame. "I mean, fuck." He turns away. "Fuck!"

After a moment, he falls to his seat. Zach looks down.

They sip their sodas and listen to the record.

"Is this Coltrane?"

Zach shrugs.

"You're always listening to Coltrane."

Zach says nothing.

Cut back to the view of the garage from the couch. The spinning record is in view on the frame's left side. The massive garage door dominates the right side. Above Coltrane's desperate screech, we hear them shifting in their seats but we cannot see them.

Eventually, the garage door opens, again blowing out half the frame. Cut to an unsteady handheld position behind Adrian and Zach, before we can see who's entering. Zach stands, leaving his soda on the ground. Jen walks into the garage wearing red, one-piece pajamas. She hugs Zach.

The handheld camera moves around the couch to get closer to the figures, the open garage door still burning a painful light in a portion of the screen.

Jen is smiling widely. "Hey!" she says, looking at Zach.

Zach smiles back, suddenly energized, "How's it going?"

Jen lifts a couple sodas off the dresser. She walks back to the couch, the camera walking with her. Jen says "Adrian," and nods at him, cheerfully. The camera pans around to see Adrian raise his soda bottle in reply.

Zach returns to the couch. Jen stands in front of the stereo. The camera, still in the unbroken handheld shot, moves far to the side so that Zach and Jen are in the foreground, Adrian seated in the background. Behind Jen, a small portion of the open garage door remains visible.

"How was your flight?" Jen asks.

Zach smiles. "It was alright." Adrian looks down, shrinks back in his chair. Zach says, "What are you wearing?"

Jen laughs, "Well, it's obviously a onesie. I just bought it."

"That's awesome!" says Zach, enthused.

"I know!" She looks into Zach's eyes, says, less cheerfully, "You look like you haven't slept in two days."

"Yeah, well-" Zach looks away. A moment passes.

"Well, I just stopped to say hi, and drink your soda. I'm heading home," She looks at Zach, "But

we definitely have to hang out this break."

"No kidding," Zach says. Jen moves towards the exit. Adrian gets up, follows her. The camera also moves to follow, staying close behind Adrian. Over his shoulder, we see her exit into the extreme light. Adrian closes the door behind her. The camera cuts back to its stationary position behind the couch. Zach is, again, sunken into the couch, playing with the cap. Adrian walks over, doesn't sit down. He just looks at Zach.

Cut to a close-up of Zach, uncomfortable, not looking up at Adrian. "Dude, I'm..." He looks up.

"What are you doing?"

Cut to a two-shot from besides the characters, they just barely fit in the frame.

"I'm waiting for her to turn the corner outside," Adrian says. No one says anything for a few bars of music.

Zach begins, "Dude, I'm really sorry, I..." Adrian punches him in the nose and walks out of the frame. Cut to a close over-the-shoulder shot of Zach, who reaches his hand to his face. He pulls it away to see a trickle of blood on his fingers. The camera cuts back to behind the couch, the door just closing behind Adrian. Coltrane blows on his saxophone like a man on fire.

"Fuck!" Zach shouts. Cut to black.

never for money, always for love

No Epiphany

2010-02-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

A thought on that levi's jeans comercial "go forth".

We are probably all at this point at the concensis that it is compleatly amazing, but we can't really think of it that way. Mostly its because its an add, its selling something to us, but really up front that was ok with me. Ryan McGinley made it and I saw it as just, well, he found a way to have someone paying him to make his art. And to get mass exposure, so that was cool. On top of that levi's is a company I like. I've worn levi's jeans all my life, my favorite pair currently is a dark blue of theirs. I also associate them with a jew in the san francisco gold rush, as bay area as sour doe bread. They were the less facion centric more roughing it jeans. I also have some respect for good comercials, thinking that our world is filled with adds, they pay for free tv and cheeper subway trips and all sorts of other things, and so if they have to be there anyway they might as well be beautiful

Parker didn't like the add because he now associated levis with hipsters, as they tend to co-opt anything that was at one time working class. He saw the add as a hipster add, and its quoting from walt witman only made it worse.

But really the only one that got to me was Jackie. She said don't you understand this is marketed twards us. To US. We didn't think we were a demographic at all, we tried to exist outsie the whole corprate add audience, as independants who buy things because they are good, not cause of marketing, who cannot be targeted. And we were targeted. This is an add that apeals destinctly to us and just us. And that is truly chilling. scary really. I don't know what to think of it. I'm going to keep buying levis (well, if I can ever aford them) but it is unsettling, they have the key, they found a hole in our armor that we didn't want to be there.

And as much as I try to be understanding and openminded and inclusive I cannot deny advertisments are evil. They are manipulative lying things that make you believe you have to buy certain products to have a certain identity. Axe deoterant is a fine example, it smells good. it smells pretty great if used in moderation, girls like how it smells. Except only fratty type guys use it because its marketed to them. If your a guy with a suit or someone who likes to concider youself evolved or sensitive you wont use axe. Because you don't want to appear fratty. Thats maketing getting to you. This is true of everyting

the body spins but i stay the same

Angel Echoes

2010-02-14T14:57:00.000-08:00

There was a post I did last febuary durig a bad time in my life called hours where I talked about a mid-twentys panhandeler who set up near me street preforming and saped all my buisness and was generaly a creep but a harmless one though at one point he told a passing girl "smile, you're beautiful" and instead of scoffing or whatever as was expected she did infact smile and I thought damn and thought a lot about beauty after that.

For my NYU transfer app I have to write a story of something that happened to me and how it changed my life. Last year I wrote a long winded just generaly horrible essay on my first day in new york. this year I was thinking of writing about that pan handeler. I talked to my mom about it and she thought that was wrong. "I can't think of any moment that effected me really, not anything to tell a story about." she said what about 9/11. I said what do you mean? 9/11 didn't effect me, it never really did. it was just something else that happened in the news to me when I was in fifth grade. Besides I knew more people were killed by lightning and all that. Mom said, no I mean, when I think of you I think of when we were in temple soon after and we all said the morners kadish for all the people who died i the towers and planes and I looked over at you and said, at least now we can feel the world is morning with us, we are not alone (dad having died three months previous) and you said 'why would that make me feel better?' you said 'everyone being sad just means more people sad, that makes me feel worce' you said 'i think I would rather be sad alone if it meant everyone else was happy' and thats was a major moment for you in my mind, for an eleven year old to say something like that.

I said, you have to understand, that was a non issue for me, thats how I felt. Its just how I felt, there was no relivation. I formed that idea a few years before, if you want to pinpoint the moment of transformation. we were getting in the car after going grocery shoping or somthing, I couldn't have been older than nine, probably younger. dad and joy not there because whatever, I got in the front seat, tova made a fuss. she was good at making fusses when she was younger. she said its unfair, she wanted to sit in the front. she couldn't, she had to be six or younger so she was too small. so the fuss went on until I had to sit in the back along with her. And i thought, she should have let me sit in the front, because then there would be more happyness. I'm all for fairness but not if you have to pull someone down. fairness is fine if there is, say, two chocolates and instead of one person having both they split it up, each having one. same about of happyness, split up. fairness is not alright if instead of one person having two, both people decide to have non. that ends with two less happyness. I thought of this sitting in the back of the car on the ride home wile hating my sister. by the time 9/11 came around it was a obvious de-facto beliefe for me, i didn't really think about it.

all the truning points in my life as far as how I view the world are mondain and introspective and thats fine but I have nothing to write the essay about. This is how I work I guess and I don't know.

there is love in you

4

2010-02-06T11:20:00.000-08:00

Its been a long time since I thought about philosophy. I've defined myself as a Nihilist for about a year and a half now, or something like that, and that was good enough for me. I could believe in nothing, breathe easy, be free. But Adrians been bringing it up again and been getting on my case for being a solid Nihilist, it isn't what I think it is he said, that I am infact an absurdest. So I finally did some research and, of Wikipeadia, found this chart:

**(Simplified) Relationship between existentialism, absurdism and nihilism**
	Atheistic existentialism	Theistic existentialism	Absurdism	Nihilism
1. There is such a thing as meaning or value	Yes	Yes	Yes	No
2. There is inherent meaning in the universe (either intrinsic or from God)	No	Maybe, but humans must have faith to believe there is	Maybe, but humans can never know it	No
3. Individuals can create meaning in life themselves	Yes, it is essential that they do	Yes, but that meaning must incorporate God	Yes, but it is not essential	No, because there is no such meaning to create
4. The pursuit of intrinsic or extrinsic meaning in the universe is possible	No, and the pursuit itself is meaningless	Yes, and the pursuit itself may have meaning	No, but the pursuit itself may have meaning	No, and the pursuit itself is meaningless
5. The pursuit of constructed meaning is possible	Yes, thus the goal of existentialism	Yes, thus the goal of existentialism	Maybe	No
6. There is a solution to the individual's desire to seek meaning	Yes, the creation of one's own meaning	Yes, the creation of one's own meaning before God	Yes, the acknowledgement and embracing of absurdity	No

If anything, I probably fall closest to Atheistic Existentialism here but there should be a fifth row called "Stuarts current thoughts". 1. would be left blank, 2. No, 3. left blank, 4. No, 5. left blank, 6. No.

In recap, I have no idea if meaning exists. I'm not even sure what "meaning" means anymore. My persuit of anger and passion and truth, does that constitute as a "meaning of life" for me? What about other cases? is an asshole who decides his goal in life is to fuck as many girls as possible creating his own meaning? I'm convinced there is no intrinsic absolute purpos to exsistance, and thats all I know. And really, I do want to go around to everybody talking about signs and portents or patterns and religion and astrology and yell at them "IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL" and I want to go around to girls and people I hate or want to forget and shout "YOU DON'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL"

And also when it comes down to it I don't believe in anything. I don't believe in anything. and I don't believe it matters that much.

there is love in you

Daylight

2010-01-20T12:10:00.000-08:00

There is certainly a differance between imeediate emotion and state of mind. imediate emotion is what you are feeling right now. How are you? I am generaly content. almost always content infact unless i am in class or trying to fall asleep almost always content. neither happy nor angery nor depressed i don't really have an emotion at all. I just go. and thats alright. when I am with friends it tends to be scewed a bit towards happy. state of mind is different. its the less imediate emotion the over tones of the chords of your life. for as long as i can remember it was generaly depressed. I was a depressed kid. that defined me. in summer a lot my state of mind was happy though so theres that it wasn't I think until the end of my junior year that the needle started swinging like it does. I am no longer a depressed kid. except sometimes. I am happy a lot but it goes back and forth wildly sometimes going each way and back within a week.

that wasn't the point

the point I was trying to make is when i was depressed I thought well i'd give so much in order to be happy. I would compromise. and when I started to be happy I thought well this is great far be it from me to complain but depression is better its truer I think better thoughts when depressed I'm humbler and smarter and more artistic an more honest. And now I'm seeing so many depressed people who just wallow in themselves and think oh i am a victum oh why is life like this oh everything is falling apart. And today i think I was probably like that when depressed. not honest not humble not smart not true. And today i thought i am not happy certainly. But I am so far from depressed, depressed is at the moment descusting to me. And today i thought well what am i cause i am not emotionless, i am not content there has to be something an i realized my state of mind is angry. I AM ANGRY. and I think maybe I was wrong all along maybe angry is the way to be.

because angry lets me say stand up fuck you you are to blame for your depression you are not living before you die and it lets me say THANK GOD that everything is falling apart because I want to build it again and much better then you did and THANK GOD that i don't believe in forever because forever is boring as fuck and i don't want to die because forever is death, its giving up,its seeking confort instead of the best you do need to destroy what you have in order to create and thank god that i am angry an thank your god that i just don't care.

I love the falling apart. I love this transitory. I love the beauty in the breakdown. I love this anger.

anywhere feels like home

I Luv the Valley, OH!

2010-01-08T01:49:00.000-08:00

I'm. gonna try. to nullify my life. A lyric from the song 'Heroin' by the velvet underground. Heroin is still one of my favorite songs. it still has untold impact on me. and it falls into a weird catagory of art or a weird emotion along with fight club and hemmingway and trainspotting and noise music and a few others is about the curious humman need to feel emotions more. when we are up we want to be walking on sunbeams and when we are down we want to be so down. we want to hit rock bottom and keep on going and never come up for air. we want to choke ourselves and bash our heads through walls and make other people hate us and make us hate ourselves and be cacofony and destruction for ever and ever amen. we want to nullify our lives. and I used to think, idont know, i used tothink there was something to this. taht this was pure and passionate and I still think thats true but not with the same certainty as before

i encountered a strange case. through using tumblr i found, actualy a wile before i got my own blog, a girl probably four or five years older than me maybe more and when i first found her site there were mostly posts about sonic youth and sort of depressed wanderinglost short writings about her life and some fightclub-nihilism stile other images and posts. but mostly posts about sonic youth. and so whatever i got to school and didn't have a computer and fell out and all then in october i got an acount and started folowing her and in the last month there was a shift. I don't know her so i don't know what happoned to her or if the sonic youth think was just a momentary fasination or anything at all but she delved down into superficiality. manny formsprings were posted calling her hot and she posted more and more, questions were posted and she responded in the crassest manner, as a result the questions got more and more crass. someone asked what her favorite style of porn was and she said interratial gangbang, someone asked where they could find that and i forget if she posted a link or told them just to surch the internet its not to hard. more pictures of herself and storys about cocaine and talk of boyfriend and miniscule instances in her day to day

and i realized she is trying to nullify her life. but in the oppisite way as i would imagine and it was disgusting to me. so i don't know anymore. perhaps people were right and guitar smashing waists a guitar and destroying youself is just a pointless waist of yourself but I don't know. in a way i don't like that view because it is like growing old. i am to young to grow old and i really really truly hope i die first. I don't want to lose this. this passion. i want to be crazy forever I WANT to be crazy forever but i fear i may just be crazy

all of my thoughts have been in girls for the past week and a bit mainly because seeing diana was probably or maybe not stupid of me and threw me into depression and this summer we used to argue about the difference between the sexes and i was on the position that we are alike and what people see as differences were exagerated and used as excusses and she said no we are so far apart we will never understand each other and though i still think i understand girls mostly - see where their motives are, empathise easily, dont think they're quite so crazy as other guys do - i am starting to think we are very differant. girls really do hate guys, mostly for absolutely fucked up stupid reasons, and i resent being hated. it feels like adults hate the young - how girls hate boys.

and i don't like that opinion either, i liked the summer one better. and really i just like who i was this summer and i feel all the ways i've grown away from that have been negitive though perhaps pulling me closer to the truth i don't know.

i am also just lonely. really lonely and really needing some girl to try to love for a bit. i haven't felt this way really at least not like this for a long time. maybe since the eighth grade. i keep finding new things to miss and want, new little things that drive me crazy about them. putting your arm around a girl when you sit on couches. her breath on you when you hug. her laugh with eating ice cream. how she pauses to take her glasses off when you start kissing. how its just whatever when you do something crazy and spontainious with a friend but its so easy and so amazing to do anything spontainious when your with a girl you like. these little things are going to drive me insain. i am lonely but i hate girls.

i won't rest until i break it

Crazy

2009-12-12T16:19:00.000-08:00

There is a common movie plot formula (expecialy childrens movies) that consists of the main character hating they're own life and whishing for a different one, but when they receive the life they want they soon discover that its not what they thought it would be, and that the main characters origonal life was better. Theres another term I herd I forget where that 'if everyone put they're problems on the table and saw everone else's, we'd all take our own back' and its trying to tell us to be happy with what we have. be content. And I always thought fuck thats not what it means. It means we would all rather be comfortable that we would all much rather have what is familiar to us then what is better that no one wants to take risks because we all are sure our luck is bad and that is the only lesson I learnt.

probably

If I Had A Heart

2009-12-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

right now

i am tired of passionate angry angst depression though i will get back to it. remmeber that calm depression? or maybe it isn't even depression and just 'feeling sad' the shins depression the young marble giants depression the quiet loanly hot chocolate and a movie and lying down and dying and all the cheesy lines that somehow don't sound cheesy right then depression. the never self indulgent depression. does no one have this anymore?

this will never end

Dead Flag Blues

2009-10-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

for years, I think since I was in seventh grade and ending last year when I started to receive a certain amount of unexpected female attention, I made a point to avoid looking at myself in mirror. I'd glance at myself momentarily after my morning shower to make sure noting what wildly out of place and then go. don't linger. keep moving. the rest of the day. Why did I do this? because though I was a moron in my younger years I was a rather bright moron and occasionally I'd have some incite. Through the first two grades of middle school I realized that, wile the common assumption is that people look like they act, its generally the opposite: People act how they look.

which is to say if someone looks tall and lanky they'll develop that lanky personality, if they're attractive in a main stream way they'll take to drugs and parties, if they're attractive in a bookish way they'll take to books, if they're not all that attractive in a scrawny way, well, it seems like they'd take to hanging out with me and my friends and ripping on the rest of this well oiled system.

I am ashamed of this but my and my friends even as far as to coin a pseudo-psychological term "ugly girl syndrome" to explain why so many ugly girls (ugly exclusively in a classic sense, not more interesting looking but still ugly girls) had lousy personalities. This happens in greater ratios when the girl is in a group of friends that contains a large amount of attractive girls. The ugly girl feels starved for attention or left out and her personality develops to compensate. Or, an even better explanation, people just treat her like an ugly person. They assume she has the qualities that people who look like her tend to posses and she'll develop these qualities to fit the expectations of those around her.

And similarly, not all tall lanky people have even remotely similar personality, but people from a young age treat them like they do and they conform to these expectations.

another explanation is that they look in the mirror in the morning and impose these expectations on themselves.

so I said fuck that, I am who I am. And when I have no idea what I look like that's not a problem. well, people still treated me like I looked but I was blissfully unaware of why they were treating me that way, and thought them to be crazy.

but that didn't really get me laid.

I got a computer and I told my self that when I got a computer I would start a tumblr. An excuse to engage my purely visual thoughts, and great things I found on the internet, and to generally join the growing community. so here it is: liars.tumblr.com. Unlike the turntable, its meant for mass consumption, I wouldn't mind just anyone finding about about it. In fact, I'd like tons of people to know about it. But its not really for words, at least not in long form, and the turntable will continued to be updated. enjoy.

i said, kiss me you are beautiful - these are truly the last days.

Darts of Plesure

2009-10-16T10:45:00.000-07:00

hmm, I don't even care for Firefly all that much, or well, its intreeging but I've only watched about two epesodes and don't care to watch any tv at all right now, but... the theme song for the show is much much better then it has any right to be.

Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be
Since I found serenity
But you can't take the sky from me.

Jackie used to say her favorite word, I think, was euphoria. I told her mine is serenity. And I thought, all I want in life is serenity. just to be ok with it. and, of course, I don't want that anymore, I want passion. And I guess when it comes down to it all I have is passion, I have no serenity.

Parker was here two weeks ago. We spent a weekend just talking and playing guitar and seeing concerts. It was more or less surreal and amazing. what we talked about mostly was ourselves. music, and culture, and people and girls and ourselves. And when it came down to it... look, we're assholes. the think I remeber the sharpest is when parker said "Its really just because we think we're better then everyone. We do think we're better than everyone. We think our ideas are better, we think how we live our lives are better..." and he's right. we do. We are assholes.

I am an asshole. I will always hate the people around me because... because they like mcdonalds, or because they don't know what fallafel is, or because they listen to kings of leon or becase they like the shins but for the wrong reasons. I hate people because they wait at crosswalks or becasue they won't go into public parks after night or becasue they wear nice clothes or because they don't know who sonic youth is, or even because they know who sonic youth is and think thats a big accomplishment. I AM SUCH AN ASSHOLE. I just smile and lie to all these people and more.

And besides for that I am self obsessed. to the point of narssesism. All I think about is my self and where I got it right and where I am an asshole. all I think about is who I am. All my film ideas are about the person I want to become, which is just a way of making films about an idealized version of my self. all I think about is myself.

In the documentry Helvetica theres two main points of view expressed about use of the font. The modernists of the fiftys and sixties thought it was neutral and clear and beautiful. They used it for everything. The eightys and ninetys thought it was bland and meaningless and a corprate simbol. That you needed expressive fonts to say expressive things. The modernests thought these people were just making the world less beautiful. The later artists didn't think aestetic beauty was the end all.

in one of the end scenes they showed a verry resent young artist who used helvetica a lot. he didn't know or care about the debate around it. He wasn't concerned so much about the philosophy of aestetics over all or nihilism over all. He just made good art that he liked. We are the younger generation who grew up fast and our ignorance is setting us free. its alowing us to do the best work.

another case is with political corectness. Two generations ago they are/were verry politicaly incorect. They were racist and sexist and hit their kids in school and all sorts of other things. The generation above us changed the cuture and made a point to be verry politicaly correct (they invented the term). They didn't use red pens in school, they tiptoed around words, they said African American, and all sorts of other horrible things. Our generation is breaking down pollitical correct, but we're not snaping back to our grandparents. We just say what makes sence. No bullshit. We use helvetica to say sunshine.

words are poison

Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space

2009-10-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

I have started to make a soundtrack to my own disappearance. Constructing in my head and semi-actively on a tape songs and albums I would take with me when I run away. Not that I plan on disappearing, because I don't. But the thought interests me. My decaying green cd case holds thirty discs. What goes in it? My tape, ninty minnutes. And I think, you know, it has been a wile since the Beatles graced the interior of my opitical drive, the stones, much much longer. These days I trafic in Lighning Bolt and Holy Miranda and Ride, but, they would not make it in. Had I a twelve hour bus trip to a place where once again I knew no one I would revert back to the timeless I think. Arctic Monkeys, Cat Power, The Shins, I think. Music to keep me alive.

Somehow I feel like... I'm at an end. or, more that I'm at The end. That my story is closing. "And after the hardship and the struggle and the unrestrained joy, stuart came to pratt to die."

I don't plan on dying. Its just a feeling.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this right now. I'll snap out of it.

all i want in life

Wake

2009-10-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a bit about the concept of transience. Last saturday (thats how long I've been meaning to write this post. Its been a fucking busy week)...Last saturday I saw so many amazing things, so many incredible little happenings that I experienced one by one by accident. All by my self, without my camera. And I think - I have to tell someone about this. I have to let someone know of all the small magical insignificant moments that occurred. And then I thought that no. How brilliant it is that there is no evidence. How amazing that I would be the only one to experience this day just as I experienced it and it would never happen again. How amazing that these things were here and gone. And if noone else could have the day like I did then why try to give them that experience, knowing that your attempts are futile. And so I didn't talk about it, except to tell people that saturday was good, and I didn't talk about it again, and I didn't talk about it again.

And I think, art, in itself, is a lie. Sure its a lie to tell the truth but why should it hold up next to the unadulterated truth? Yes a photograph can be beautiful, and movies intoxicating, and paintings and sculpture and music and so on. But my eyes see in billions of colors with gigantic resolution and infinite color depth. My ears here crystal clear uncompressed audio in ten thousand point surround sound. My skin feels the wind and the pavement and the rush of this city pulsing through my vains. I am the perfect entertainment system with beautiful experiences displayed through it eighteen hours a day, every day I live, and if I payed a bit more attention to it then I would perfect the art of living.

but that burden's not on you

Girl Afraid

2009-09-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

There's a scene in a lot of movies and tv shows and general feel good pulp where an older person is asked about their life and this person says "yes, it was hard, but you know what? If I went back I would do it all again the same. I don't regret anything" and I think bull shit. and I think you know what? if I went back again I would do it all differently I would change every single tiny thing I did. I regret everything. I do. I regret everything.

but really, I don't want to go back. the thought of doing so would keep me up at night. even the good parts were bad and thinking of it any other way I think would be lying to myself. It has all been such a struggle every single goddamn step and though I suppose its turned out alright which is to say thouse struggles made me who I am now and I like who I am, does that make them worth it? If I was stuck back as me as a three year old and told "well, your going to have the next fifteen years as constant struggle, and probably more after that, but it will be worth it becasue at eighteen you'll like the person you are" would I go for it? would I think that was worth it? I don't think so.

but thouse fifteen years are over now and I will never have to repeat them. amen.

i'll never make that mistake again

Stars Of Track And Field

2009-09-16T10:52:00.000-07:00

When we used to have to run the mile I used to think damn I wish I was me an hour from now. I will no longer be sweaty and tired and, most importantly, I will no longer be running and I will not have a mile left to do infront of me. I will be done with the work and able to reap the benefit. And you know what? Theres so much we do for Stuart an hour from now, or ourselves next year or in the vauge fucking future and now I thinking Fuck stuart of the future. That jackass benefiting off of my work. Fuck you Stuart looking back on this a year from now thinking how far you've come from this point. How stupid, how imature, stuart of fall 2009 is. Fuck you. You're not even me anymore, your someone else, someone I can't predict.

And I think how much stuart of winter 2008 was and idiot, and I think of how stuart of summer 2001 would hate me and be ashamed of his association if we ever met, and I guess I don't care. They don't exist any more.

This heart ache is worse then I though it would be. Its been four weeks. I should be over this. I Need to be over this. I don't want to feel this way any longer.

make a new cult every day to suit your affairs

Stadiums and Shrines II

2009-09-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

Amelie is one of my favorite movies. Just want to get that out there before I start.

Its set in the summer of '97 (is that corect? I can't remeber right now) right after Princes Diana died. This has nothing at all to do with the plot. And yet it hovers there in the background, because (and I do remember that point in time) at that moment news of Diana was everywhere, unavoidable, even though it didn't fit in with the plot of our own individual lives.

In June, as you may have herd, Michael Jackson died. As a result, for the enire summer every single store you walked into instead of playing their own shit the usual elivator crap they played Michael Jackson. Every single goddamn store.

I want to set a movie in the summer of '09.

This among other things gave the summer a sort of... well not magical,... but detached feel. It felt unrealistic, removed from real life. It was really really unsettling to me. I mentioned to Diana once this summer (not the princes) that every time I go to new york in a week my entire life in California seems...unreal. seems like something I dreamed up in high feavor, and yet every time I come back new york seems sureal, a dream. I told her I know that when I return to the east that the entire summer will fall apart in my mind and I didn't want that to happen. It has. This summer has become incredibly difficult for me to believe, its something that happoned to someone else, something I made up. And yet... I can't let go of it. I stay up thinking of it at night, destracts me during class. I want this summer back. I was melencholy and detatched and restless through the whole thing but, It was magical. I can't believe it. Did that happen? Am I asleep?

Today is 9/9/09. The Beatles remasters were reliesed today. Every store I walked into had them playing on the radio. Am I asleep?

A FANTASY

by Stuart Solomon
(forgive me, I have forgoten proper scrip format. In my defence when I took that class I never thought I would ever wright a script. Just direct.)

No establishing shot.

First angle is a medium shot slightly over the sholder of BOY who is sitting on a squat marble (or other stone) wall, eating penne with maranera out of a plastic container. His eyes are just slightly bloodshot or iritated.

After a moment GIRL enters the screen from the left side of the frame carying a notebook and a relatively thing textbook.

Girl (smiles): Hey!

Boy (looks up): Hey. What you up to?

Girl (stops walking for a moment): Um... Not much, heading in.

Boy: Um (he takes a small bite and chews for a beat)... Do you want to go somewhere?

Girl: Um...where?

Boy (puts his plastic fork down): Um... I don't know. We could, uh, jump in the fountain at Rockefeller Center or like a dinner downtown. (he looks strained) The.. or, the promenade, uh, Brooklyn Hights, that's always nice.

Girl: Um, well din't you say earlyer...

Boy: Yeah, uh, I have homework. I'll,...like...stay up all night or something...

Girl: Ummmm, alright. But, uh... why?

Boy (shrugs and looks up at her): I'm just in, like, one of those moods.

Girl (bights lower lip softly and looks around): could I... just run and put my stuff down?

Boy: no. Thats not how it works.

Girl: I think... No, I don't, I don't think so. (makes a kind of apologetic face) Sorry!

Jump cut to camera on dolly swiftly circleing to the left. After under a half second cut to the exact same shot that was shown several seconds before (a kind of rewind)

Girl: I think... um, ok. sure.

Boy stands up. They walk twords the campas exit, boy with left hand in his pocket. He throughs away the container of pasta along the way.

This is a fantasy. Why? Because I don't have the corage to ask a girl. Or maybe I do. I think I could pull that together easy I guess if I was indeed in that kind of mood. Why else is it a fantasy? Because no girl would say yes. or even if they did it wouldn't be the same. Nothing goes to scrip. No matter how good of a writer you are, how realisit, nothing goes to scrip. Its all a fantasy. This is not going to happen. I will not jump a subway with some unsuspecting girl and go do something crazy and meaningless and amazing. its just a fucking feel good fantasy.

you see something to cheer about, i'll tell you that its mine.

High Tide

2009-09-07T20:12:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep and in the middle of the night I make side a of a mixtape and I think they don't need to be hard. This can be easy. the next day I make the b side. easy. no more then an hour and a half total time within twenty four hours. easy. Its not as good as the last one but ok. I don't usualy name them but this one I do.

Yes! I am a long way from home.
September 2-3, 2009

Side A

Dilaudid - The Mountain Goats
Yes! I am a long way from home - Mogwai
Did You See The Words - Animal Collective
Been A Long Time Cousin - Hella
How It Ends - DeVotchKa
Darts of Pleasure - Franz Ferdinand
Is This It? - The Strokes

Side B

Satellite Skin - Modest Mouse
Kids, We Have Your Back - O! Lucky Man
Keep Yourself Warm - Frightened Rabit
Only Shallow - My Bloody Valentine
Cherry Tulips - Headlights
Crazy/Forever - Japandroids
Metal Heart - Cat Power

this summer, forever

Keep Yourself Warm

2009-08-24T14:50:00.001-07:00

Theres a lyric and for the life of me I can't remember what song or what band wrote it and it goes

"once you see the end its all over"

and that is to say i think that the minnute you start worrying about your childhood ending you will never be a kid again and the second a band trys to recapure the sound they used to have they will never have anything again and the second you can see that if you don't do something your group of friend will fall apart its too late already and the moment you can glimps that light at the end you are already in that light and the minnute you notice in a relationship that something has changed you will never again get to the honneymoon once you see the end its all over

the thing is

you see the end from the day after school ends

summer is about comming to terms with this

please I want to come to terms with this

wont find love in a hole

How It Ends

2009-08-19T13:14:00.000-07:00

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GOODNIGHT

and you already know

Don't You (Forget About Me)

2009-08-09T02:10:00.000-07:00

Me and diana had a conversation about the differences between. depression and melancholy and despair and that place past the blues (here) and how my god we each miss being melancholy. melancholy can be cool and feel conforting and romantic and it can be productive with art even though it tends to take over your life, that is comforting for some fucked up reason. Today I am melancholy for the first time in over a year and a half. I'm ok with this but I still feel... you know.

I fear growing old. I fear growing in general. I fear me in two years being a compleatly different person and looking back on this entry and thinking how fucking stupid I was, just like I do now regarding the me of two years ago. I fear the los capmesions line "resigned that our parent's intrests will one day be our own". I don't want my parent's intrests, I want my life to be shitty forever.

All my life I've wanted to be in love. I wanted to consider myself a hopeless romantic. I wanted to sweep some poor girl off her feet and spend my days agonizing over poems for her because that was the only thing I could do to express how I felt though I would know I could never express it right because I am not a good enough poet. I've never been in love. I've never had my heart broken. Any wounds I have suffered have been more or less superficial. I've never even been close. I don't know if I believe in love. Its the last thing I don't know if I believe in. I am through with internal debates about everything else. I don't believe in anyof it else. I want to believe in love but I don't know. I want to be in love but I am not. I wrote an essay in nineth grade about Holden Caulfield and how and how much he was let down by people, and that his dissatisfaction with the world was not because of something inside him some inner termoil but because of one person after another letting him down. I am really bad at writing essays, I was much worse then, but I knew that point and I didn't think anyone else was feeling it, was pulling for holden. He's alright hes just where he was. They thought he was an asshole, hes not. I still feel that. That let down. He was ok. But I don't think Holden will ever go around falling in love either.

I'm feeling like this and I feel detatched. I don't care. "Richard said withdrawl in disgust is not the same as apathy" He's right. I'm not apathetic, but my detachment now is differnt from my resent situation where I am to angry to care. I'm just... you know

melancholy. I'm so glad to be back here again though. Please stay this way please stay this way please stay this way please stay this way

try to pretend

Paper Planes

2009-07-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

Talking to Diana has shown a light on an odd relization about myself: I don't hate the world anymore, and on top of that I don't hate people anymore. And I guess I should say We don't hate the world anymore because it applys to most of my closest friends aswell. We used to talk about it all the time didn't we? we hated people, in some ways that was who I was, that was a part of my self image, my identity. and now its gone, without notice, from me and from you. and I can't be happier. It is, I suppose, because we forgot about it. it sliped our minds. it ran off in the night while we were sleeping. and yet, the world doen't seem an oppressive place anymore, infact the world seems ours for the taking. that it was put here for us. people don't seem the same way, yeah they're there but so what? who cares? how does it concern us? yeah they talk about us and have things to say about us, but lets give them something to fucking talk about. and it feels like freedom.

I have to remmember always that my life is amazing. And my down days are better then the up days of people I know. and if today seems ugly it is only because its held up to the beauty of my life and the beauty of these people I know. And when I get depressed I have to know that this depression is beautiful and singular. and I must remember this because self pitty is disgusting.

But. I am not content, and I don't want to be content. if I am compleatly ok with what I have I will stay with what I have. I don't want a happy life. I don't want a comfortable life or fullfilling life or a rewarding life. I want a Great life. I want a life to be made in to movies, to be writen about in stream of consciousness books. and that Does mean depression and that does mean failure and loanlyness and all sorts of emotions that I could easily avoid if I chose another way. I Rushmore there a line quoted "When one man, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself." and I have this opportunity. I got so fucking lucky somewhere along the way. and I don't intend to waist that.

This mix is the most difficult I have ever made, it took much more time and much more thought then any other tape I have ever created. And it took an entire month from start to finnish. But it is compleated now and it is good. Ment to be everything I used to hate, electronic, dancy, unstructured, new.

Mix 6/20-7/20/2009

Side A

Comfy In Nautica - Panda Bear

American Flag - Cat Power

Tong Track - Menomena

All Mine - Portishead

For Reverend Green - Animal Collective

Young Heart Spark Fire - Japandroids

Abel - The National

Side B

Eraser - No Age

Lunatics - Matt Sheehy

Two Doves - Dirty Projectors

Come Saturday - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

Oh Messy Life - Cap'n Jazz

Paper Planes - M.I.A.

Elvis - These New Puritans

0078h - M83

Neither of Us, Uncertainly - Deerhunter

swagger like us

Dying For It

2009-07-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

I HAVE DESIDED THAT FOR THE NEXT WEEK OR TWO i WILL ONLY BUY OLD SONIC YOUTH ALBUMS.

THEY ARE TOO FUCKING GOOD.

i'm hanging on

Young Heart Spark Fire

2009-07-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

The thing is... I don't want to talk about music with anyone anymore these days. I've just gotten to the point where I've lost the words to. Yes, it is that important to me and yes, that fact is embarassing but theres nothing I can do about it. I don't feel as though anyone understands, which is not an insult because when I talk about it these days it comes across as if I don't understand so that may be the case with all else aswell. I just don't want to talk about it.

In Daniel Clowes' Ice Heaven there is a scene of a detective talking to a comic book critic. The detective is sceptical of criticism in general, his line of logic going like this: If comic books are indeed an art form then they are trying to express an emotion that cannot be expressed better otherwise, i.e. something that needs the pictures and words to get across and defys words by themselves. How then can you think to explain those using only words? I think its the same with music, if I could explain to you how this music makes me feel then I wouldn't need the music. If I could express it in words then the musical part of it would be unimportant.

I've been thinking about the angst that most people (or most that I know and talk to) experienced in middle school. Almost as soon as its over its viewed in retrospect as imature, self indulgent, ignorant, whiny, ect.. While its going on you look at the older people and think that they don't understand. And now I'm thinking, I don't understand them. They're right about that. And it streches deeper then that. My whole fucking life being a kid I thought adults don't understand our fundemental experience, how we move and view the world, how we think, how we live And I thought, fuck, I am going to hang on to this. I'm not going to forget what it is to be six or eight or ten or thirteen but I have. And I don't understand. And I'm never gonna unerstand. And in four years I'm not going to know what it is to be eighteen and everything now will be immature and self indulgent and I'm never going to understand. Theres a lyric by The Strokes, who have almost embarisingly been one of my most enduring musical obsessions over the last year, that goes See, people they don't understand/No, girlfriends they can't understand/Your grandsons, they won't understand/On top of this I ain't ever gonna understand.

we used to dream, now we worry about dieing

All Mine

2009-06-18T02:54:00.000-07:00

Parker asked me if I had self loathing issues. Fuck. I said I didn't. And I said I didn't because generaly I don't. There was a good amount of time in my life that I had those issues a lot but with a few exceptions (hello febuary) that time has passed. I like who I am these days. I am ok with myself. I am who I want to be, well close to it at least. Making progress. Every couple months I look back, esspecialy using old blog posts, and think of how much of an ideot I was and everytime I do that I feel good because it means I've grone since then. And this is ok.

BUT

for the last four or five days I have hated myself. Because I am an asshole when I am with people. And its through making the joking remarks I always make and laughing about them but somehow without me noticeing they have become asshole remarks. These are because I do resent most of my friends and all of my family and this shity house and I do want to go back to new york. And this resentment makes me into an asshole. And worse then that for the last four days I know I am being an asshole wile it is going on but I don't stop and its killing me. I didn't mean for this to happen. And I don't see the solution right now but I do hate myself for it.

just know that I am trying.

you have to be

Two Weeks

2009-06-11T19:16:00.000-07:00

I guess if the question is how long I can stand my friends and family in a straight line before the novelty wares off then the answer is one week. I'm trying to remember what I saw in these guys.

Perhaps I'm being harsh, I had a bad day. A bad day. I know that leaving for new york is and was just running away to try to escape my problems instead of facing them, but goddamn, it worked. and I think scraping these problems and these people was the only way for me to move forward. Right now I'm just holding on where I am for three people.

just like yesterday

Helpless

2009-05-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me today if I still missed my father. I thought I should get down here my thoughts about that because as per my memory I have never discused my feelings there of with any of my current friends. And, hell, though I'm pretty sure all my friends know now for a long time a good deal of them didn't even know what had happoned to him, leading some of them to ask me about it as if it was some great secret that I might not tell them. Its not a secret. I just honestly don't think about it that much and even when I do its not a topic that comes along in coversation. But lets see if I can get this all out.

My dad was Burt A. Solomon and he lived from January of 1953 until June of 2001. He died of a single unpressedented heart attack. When it happoned he was sitting in his car outside of the theater inside of which me and my sister were rehersing for a play, peter pan. He was helping out back stage but had some time off between run throughs. He drove to get fast food for lunch and then parked his car to sit for a bit and play gameboy. I had introduced him to gameboy a few years before and he took to it during his train commutes to work until he soon surpassed me in many games. He was never hospitalized, had never had previous heart attacks, he was never in any pain, just here one minnute and gone the next.

How do I feel about this? Sad? yeah, but not that much. And it seems like many people are surprised to here this, that my spirits don't spontaniously drop when the subject is brought up, but instead I brush it aside and continue on with the conversation. But the thing is, I greived for him. I mean I GREIVED for him. For the next two years of my life it hung over my head constantly. To be honest, though I have a strong recolection of that entire general time, I have verry little idea what happoned for the rest of that summer. I was in a daze. It was surreal. To be that sad all the time was almost rediculous but I didn't understand how I could be happeir tomorrow then I was now if tomorrow my dad was still gone. But of course my life went on and school strted and such (a horrificly bad year for all sorts of other reasons) and I wasn't sad all the time anymore but it was still there. Still going on for me. My mom was verry clear that we had to feel this. That what we were going through should not be swept under the table or covered up. So I cried a lot. And I talked about it a lot. And I think that helped me a lot.

After thouse years passed I started to try to idealize him in my mind. Not because I felt there was any truth in that but I felt that it was the norm, for a boy to idealize his dead father, and I felt that adults expected it of me. I didn't sit and think this out obviously, it wasn't compleatly consious. Despite this I was never actualy able to idealize him in my mind. I knew my dad pretty well, probably better then most kids really know their fathers at that point in there lives, and because of that I knew him for a human being and was not able to think of him as anywhere near perfect.

And so, I don't know, I don't think about it that much. It doesn't occure to me to think about that much. I still miss him, but I miss him like I miss other things from that time. Like I miss my fourth grade intreations with my friends, like I miss being so short that the world seems like a never ending maze. But theres just not the forbearing sadness there once was, and thats good. I think his death has had an impact on me, but what had a greater impact was him and his generaly fatherly influence on me and then the sudden lack there of more then the shock and saddness of his passing. I'm not the same person I was then, not even remotely. I don't aspire to be my dad or be even close to what he was, except in a verry few aspects. And really, why I don't bring it up is because this seems out of the ordenary for people, and it takes too long to explain adequetly why I'm so ok with it. Its kind of strange, the whole time I was sad about it I just DID NOT want to talk to anyone about it. Every one was always asking me if I needed to talk about it and I just wanted them to go away, to shut up. Now I don't care to talk about it for a compleatly different reason. And thats all I have to say right now.

and in my mind i still need a place to go

Dry The Rain

2009-05-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

The Thing About Last Summer

and maybe I'm just mithoulogizing it or maybe its the truth and I'm just realizing it after this year has passed but there were these moments with people that it would be late at night and we'd be talking because I almost feel as though I did verry little that summer though all the hanging out except talk and there'd just be this second long where I'd have this feeling like this is it like it was comming together and I knew this person and I knew that they were my friend and that they were going to be my friend forever that we were bound together now and this was kind of a real intence thing for me a real personal deep moment I felt like Sal to Dean in On The Road that no matter how much of a jack ass dean is and no matter how much he fucks up his life and thouse around him because of how much they have gone through together and all the times they've had sal is bound to him and not in a bad way but they had the feeling that they were in this together well I had that feeling a lot last summer with a lot of people more then I thought I would have people who I looked down on or even thought were jackasses I felt intence link to and maybe thats one of the reasons the ten days in november felt so queer that I could see these people after having not talked to most of them since I left and it still be there do you know I feel me and richard are in it to the end that when I see him ten fifteen years from now we will still have that moment when we look each other in the eye and know that yes we are friends its odd not to say this happoned with all my friends but a lot and I just had sometimes this weird utopian feeling this I could do this forever just keep going and just staying up all night talking running back and forth drinking coffee and jamba juice making plans and not keeping them

and maybe it was emotions I had to have because I was leaving

Jackie said somthing last week about feeling like her old friends and not being able to relate because they were almost still stuck in high school and I see that when looking at her old friends and with some of mine (who are both literaly and mentialy stuck in high school) but I do also think I made better friends who maybe dont seem as intresting and maybe aren't as intresting but are so fucking human and unafraid that even through my ocastional looking down on them I don't think they're going to stop moving and even though next year I will meet lots of people who will also become eventualy linked to me in this way people who will be more intresting and more artistic and more adventureous and deep and intence then say aidan or richard or josh I doubt I'll ever think I've moved passed them in anything more then superficial ways

This is hard to see not really knowing them. The do look like ideots when you just know them a little bit. They aren't though

I want this summer to be like last except bigger more and more intresting and more artistic and more everything to kick start again the best fucking years of my life which will be better years then most people get to experience ever and to last for ever and ever and ever

and I really fucking miss Keely and Emma

a junk yard fool with eyes of gloom

New Shoes

2009-05-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

Why have my last few posts sucked? Well. Its because right now I am happy, or at least genearaly content. The wether is nice, the sun is shining, and I am just enjoying things. This leads to much less interesting thoughts going through my head. In the beginging of Trainspotting he talks about when your addicted to heroin you only have one thing to worry about, scoring more heroin. When your off it you have all sorts of things to worry about. Your debt, your job, you family, your love life, so on so on. I almost feel that way about my happyness. When I am down there are all kinds of things I get upset over. All sorts of injustices, and sorts of things wrong with the world and myself and other people that my mind clings to. When I am up swing those things are still there and still worthy of getting upset over only I am just concerned with my happyness. Not that thats a bad thing, but I often feel that I find myself less intresting on the up and thus more inane posts here. But whatever. I am happy. Life is good. Fuck all else.

The first track of M83's Dead Cities, Red Seas, & Lost Ghosts album is called birds. It starts with a robotic female voice saying "Sun Is Shining, Birds Are Singing, Flowers Are Growing, Flowers Are Growing And I Am Flying" and then it says it again and then again and again as distorted electronic sounds build in the background until you can feel the voice shouting over them even though you know its not shouting over them its just an affectless voice with no varience. SUN IS SHINING, BIRDS ARE SINGING......

Here's a song who's lyrics I jotted down I don't know how long ago exactly that I just dug up.

Jodi says she's crying

But I don't believe it for one beat of her godforsaken heart

Jodi says she's dieing

Yeah I would take it all away but I just don't know where to start

If I slid right away from here

You know this time there'd be nothing and just all I'd miss is you

And you are nothing And all you mean is nothing

Take your laugh and your paste and all the sorry words that just never did come true

Jodi says she loves me

But I think by now she know that she is not IS NOT fooling anyone

And if there is a god above me

I'll laugh if he can tell me what I'm supposed to learn from this one

When I slide away from here

All my thoughts and my fucking logic will unfold and start anew

But you're inane! Your callous fucking games

Lose the lies that made you because the ink is starting to show through

slowly stroling in the sweet sunshine

American Flag

2009-05-23T00:36:00.000-07:00

What if Jesus triped?

Would he hit the water as if it was earth?

Would he have gotten bruised up?

Would he get wet?

Would the spell suddenly break and leave him sinking?

Or would his feet stay afloat wile his body pushed through, leaving him to drown upsidedown?

if i could stand to be less difficult

Atlas

2009-05-20T22:00:00.000-07:00

I am truly and deeply sory for this but it was stuck in my head the entire fucking day

the singer is a crook

Got To Get You Into My Life

2009-05-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

I'm...

um...

18.

I'll get back to you on how I feel about that.

ooh, did i tell you i need you/every single day of my life?

Biblical Violence

2009-05-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

I'm told I have a distinct walk. Not that its a compliment or anything, most people have distinct walks, I sometimes think I could pick out silloettes of my friends just based on their walks. But ever since I was told that I have been trying to notice how I walk. But I can't. Because everytime FUCK YOU STEREO RECIEVER because everytime I try to pay attention to it I start walking differently. The moment I start to notice how I walk I cant do my walk anymore. Its one of thouse things I think you have to catch out of the corner of you eye, so to speak. To notice compleatly by accedant. There are a lot of things about ones self like that and it bugs the hell out of me.

I've been digging this site for a few weeks now: http://butdoesitfloat.com/. I think its been up for about a month with new posts showcasing a different artist almost every day. Amazing stuff.

That shit sounds like a drum kit being thrown down the stairs

The Past Is A Grotesque Animal

2009-05-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

If it seems like I hate you it is because I hate you. I HATE YOU I hate you and I want you dead. I'm just getting this feeling that everyone has let me down. And that statement sucks because it makes it seem as if I hold my self up high and think evryone else has not lived up to my level but thats not how I ment the statement to read. I don't mean to sound like I think of myself as supirior. I don't. thats not compleatly true. I am an arogent prick. I do think I am better then most people. But I don't think I am better then these who have let me down. You have let me down. ethan has let me down. parker has let me down. Travis who I don't even fucking know has let me down. My mom has let me down. Both my sisters as well. If I am honest I truly hate Joy. And I want you to be dead. And I can't fucking sleep.

throw it all at my face i don't care

Ice Monster

2009-05-11T23:26:00.001-07:00

Hissing Fauna Are You The Destroyer? Where dose that take me? Last May in the bart train with Adrian "Ana says of Montreal aren't psychedelic, but they totally are!" and Travis "Maybe I'll just run away to Athens Georgia and join the Elephant Six collective" and I didn't know what the elephant 6 was. Me and Ethan walking off of Telegraph Ave. him explaining to me in one of those wide eye'd 'I cant put to words how much this music means and how much it means' how The Past Is A Grotesque Animal was a man hating himself because of how stuck he was in intense love for his wife "its embarrassing to need someone like I need you". Something I herd Maxine say to Parker or someone told me she said in early september "I can't listen to of Montreal anymore because your not here". Walking up seventh ave into Chelsey looking for a photo specialty shop listening to the Ethan curated Strawberry Jam/one song Poison Control Center/A brief introduction to of Montreal cd going away present that typified my early week and two in the city here The Past Is... and clutching on to the ''things could be different but their not!". But that was nine months ago when I was a different person. In the first few month when I was so fucking small and scared and lying to myself and everyone at home and despaired about the girl. Stuart as Strawberry Jam/of Montreal introduction period. And now I at the peak of my arrogance I-don't-give-a-shit fueled super confidence everything I was not with Strawberry Jam instead being in full swing Stuart as Experimental/Noise/Brit Pop/burn the past/bitterness/insomnia/"I hope you die, I HOPE WE BOTH DIE" period. and I finally bite my fucking tongue and let go my doubts and buy Are You The Destroyer an even year after my friends jumped into it because I found it for two dollars on a record label garage sale. and its everything. and this time I clutch on to instead "we want our films to be beautiful, not realistic" "Let's just have some fun

Let's tear this shit apart

Let's tear the fucking house apart

Let's tear our fucking bodies apart

but Let's just have some fun"

...let's And if anything its made me hate Barnes more. His hedonistic over grandiose self indulgent self important white horse bull shit as he threw momentum all away on the next record. I lost that going away present cd in november and I don't know where Animal Collective now stands in my mind. I have not talked to Ethan in Months. I don't remember the last time I was in Chelsey. and don't get me started about the girl. but some how this is mine again. Its embarrassing to need someone like...

[this has also been posted at styrofoam boots but I thought it deserved to be here as well]

we all know that you've come home to fall

Everything In It's Right Place

2009-05-06T23:49:00.001-07:00

I listened to a lot of Cat Power today. And a lot of Young Marble Giants. And Yeah Yeah Yeahs. And The National. And I wrote this that sounds almost like none of them:

I've been thinking about you

Or I've been thinking about something

And God its so cheesey

Or like its too damn cliche

And I feel like I'd loose my cool

If I ever just come out and say it

I want you

God its just so hard to say

I want you

I Want you

I think I've been walking around

Or I've been thinking about something

And I've been shining like mad

And God don't leave me with nothing

And I've been taped to the walls

And I want you

I want you

And I feel so broken

And I want you

I Want you

Have I been eating

Have I been asleep

Have I been dangling like coattails falling off of your sheets

Have I been talking this whole time

Did you have one thing to say

Did I have one thing to say

Have I been sleeping!

And I don't love you

Or I don't know

But if you could hate me like I hate you like I hate you then just pick up and go

Why don't you leave me here and go

Why don't you leave me here to-

I want you

And I will not calm down

And you are so damn beautiful

And I Want you

what what was that you tried to say?

How Fucking Romantic

2009-05-04T22:19:00.001-07:00

composed a little dity that I think I'll put infront of a lot a lot of distortion and feedback. perhaps I'll borrow a violin bow...

The lyrics are nothing to be proud about or anything but here they are:

The future it ain't looking bright

But I'll hold my head I know you're right

I will not laugh I will not cry

I'll try my best to kiss the sky

Don't know if I will catch your eye

but you know I'll try

and hell, I just might

if thats alright.

drag another cliche howling from the vaults

Run Into Flowers

2009-05-04T17:24:00.000-07:00

as much as I love such great heights, and I really do love such great hights the postal services version even more then iron & wines, their best song will always be the track before it. the district sleeps alone tonight I guess is about a man out of place. across the country from home finding himself in dc house sitting. and he gets his instructions and he tells the friends visiting that no the owner isn't here and I'm just house sitting I'm just temporary but hes not paying antention to any of it at all becasue his mind is preocupied thinking about the floor beneath him and the soil of the district underneath and he think the only thing keeping him dry the only thing keeping him afloat from breaking down under the pressure of overwhelm of the new place so fucking out of context is where he is. is for the city and all its wonder. today it rained real hard and I was walking around the financial district because I realized how manny places I hadn't been and was still left to see and I found myself in battery park looking out standing on the coast of the hudson watching the ferrys and the sea floating up and down and the small round waves crash against the shore and the buildings in brooklyn and over there right in front of me was the statue of liberty getting blanketed like the rest of us by the fog and the rain. and I am getting soaked to death but I'm not paying attention becasue it seemed so out of context and I was here and there are so manny people and I still don't know one of them but this is my city and it is always here and even though I was so fucking wet I felt the only thing keeping me dry is where I am.

give the boys some chemicals
i want to run with you

Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!

2009-04-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

My stereo system broke all at the same time. The pre-amp on my receiver died 100%, I replaced it for $25 and the new one now started turning itself off all the time. The left ear of my headphones stooped playing all together unless you contort the wire in just the right position and hold it there completely unmoving. The headband near the left side suffered a break as well so now the left ear falls off occasionally. The right phone has started cutting out now and then too. The input of my practice amp is in the proses of breaking and ever second time I plug in it doesn't work. The ground wire on my turntable seems to have severed irreparably. My cd player's spring broke a long long time ago but now the input is shaky as well. Also it keeps convincing itself it's open in the middle of songs and so it re-reads the disk and starts the album from the beginning. The pad fell off the front of my right speaker. A hinge disintegrated on my acoustic guitar's case over a month ago but I am too cheep to get it fixed and instead covered it with gaffers tape. Stuart just wants to listen to music. I just want to listen to music. I feel like i'm going to throw up.

i mean, no one ever actually asked him to forsake his dreams

Hang You From The Heavens

2009-04-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

In eighth and ninth grade I was an un ashamed rockist and retroist and somehow in the last four years I have shed that. I have shed that to the point of hating rockism and retroism. I have shed that to the point of almost being embarassed to be listeing to the white stripes because they are to a certain extent rockists. They are also retroists but not in the "it was all better then there is no hope for today" way more in the "I hate everything around me" way so thats ok. And I'm wondering how I got to this point and I think I can link the start of it to one song. Jackie used to keep it in high rotation my sophmore year its called "I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair". My least favorite song in existance. Not the worst song but my least favorite. I was emidiatly repelled by it and wasn't exactly sure why. since then I have been finding reasons, reasons that were always there I just didn't have the words to say them exactly.

The first one that hit me right away was that punk rockers did not have flowers in their hair. The ovious one. Punk rocks stated goal was to get rid of all hippie music and all hippies. Flowers were out. It was probably a good way to get your ass kicked in '77. Took another week or two before I came up with the second. Its a myth. What the song is descibing never happoned and wishing for something that never happoned seemed pretty bleak to me.

A bit of time passed between me writing the last paragraph and starting this one. Because of that I can't say I'm sure what I was planing to write next. So I'll just get to the gist of it.

A few weeks ago I saw Pete Townshend interviewed on some Who documentry. He mentioned something about haveing been young people making music for young people and how that doesn't really happon anymore or something like that. My head went imediatly to 'Shouldn't you be dead?'. In referance, of course, to one of the best lines Mr. Townshend ever wrote "I hope I die before I get old". I have found myslef incredably hostile twords anyone who looks on the past as better. And I have become almost disgusted at all things sixtys and seventys.

The first reason is this: There is some philosophy (or maybe its just in fight club?) that talks about Kill your parents, Kill your idols, Kill your teacher. They don't mean actualy kill, but instead let go of, or think of in descrase in your mind. Because as long as you hold them above you you are stifled below them. Some times I hear this with Kill your god and Kill yourself (meaning your ego) in the place of the second two but you get the point. I killed my idolization of my parents I don't know how long ago. A hundred years. I killed my god in the last year and a half as documented on this blog. And I never had a teacher or mentor to look up too. The sixtys and seventys were my idols. And I couldn't be free wile holding on to them. Why is it that Radiohead still makes good music wile Oasis hasn't since, say, 1996? Didn't the two bands form at the same time? Its because Oasis holds the mid nindys in such high regard and wants to be back there, Radiohead just wants to get to tomorrow. Oasis has that idol hovering above them. Pete Townshend has the mid sixtys.

The other stems from a line in a minor threat song. "you better be happy with what you got, you'll never get anymore." in referance to a five foot four guy who starts fights because of his insecuritys with his hight. Its something adults tell you since you were four. Funny how I never got it until I herd it from Ian McKaye's mouth. Being five foot four I'm sure sucks. I haven't measured myself in about a year but I think I clock in around 5'8" and that sucks as well. But I am going to be this way for the rest of my life so I sure as hell better start thinking its the best anyway. I will never be six feet tall. I will never spend one fucking second of my life in the sixtys. Hell, I was alive in the nindys but I will never see one second of it ever ever again. I don't really believe it was better as no one I really respect has ever said it was, but even if it was better it means fuck all and you best start believing this is the best. because there is too little fucking time to spend it worrying about missing out on the best. So I don't fucking care. This is the best time to be alive of all time. There was never a better moment in history before right this fucking second. and in a few years when we rule the world its going to be even better.

you think i love you but it aint true

Jóga

2009-04-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

Saturday was amazing. Just because of the music I got. I'm in a daze. There seems to be this perception these days that the time of great movements in music is over. If nothing else these records prove them wrong. They should be held aloft next to all the classics. Hell, Los Campesinos! alone are threatening to change my life.

Yesterday I think I made the best mix tape I have ever created. Click the links, check it out.

Side A link
Side B link

Side A

1. Jóga - Björk
2. Rhode Kill - The Velvet Teen
3. Penny Dreadfuls - Avey Tare and Panda Bear
4. Airbag - Radiohead
5. Woke Up Alone - Ryland Bouchard
6. Yellocake - Kaki King
7. Silence - Portishead

Side B

1. No Pussy Blues - Grinderman
2. Race: In - Battles
3. Sarcofago Live - The Mountain Goats
4. Seductive Barry - Pulp
5. Dark Center of the Universe - Modest Mouse
6. We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed - Los Campesinos!

is where I want to be

We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed

2009-04-15T23:15:00.000-07:00

Jackie posted This Is Just To Say on her blog a little wile ago and goddamn I havn't herd that poem in a wile the first time I herd it was in elementary school and it was just a cute thing and I've read some double you see double you recently because of his connections with the beats and letters of incoragement back and forth with Allen Ginsburg in the back of the eddition on Howl I took out from the library a couple months ago but some how I haden't come across that poem again and I read Jackie's post and its amazing and I didn't know what to say sure its cute still and very funny that he would wright that sure but just so crisp so so I don't know I suck at words to explain art all I say is 'I don't Know' all the time but that poem blew me away so sweet so cold so sweet so

This morning I had about two hours to kill before zero hour for busking and its not enough time to watch a movie and the only book I had out from the library was poetry and I was a bit burt out on poetry cause I've been working my way through Dylan Thomas and... whatever anyway I downloaded the most resent podcast of This American Life because Jackie has talked about it a lot and I read a peice about it in the AV Club and I wanted to check it out and at the end there is the poem again and it again was compleatly sublime and then a bunch of parodys after some of which were also so so brillient this is just to say and I guess thats where Jackie herd it too

Basicly I just miss Jackie. So much. Adrian for some reason I can talk to on the phone and thats ok and I don't miss him and all my other friends are, you know, all my other friends. I would go to hell and back for them but right now I have so much art I don't have time to miss them I guess. Too much to do. But with Jackie talking on the phone sucks. It doesn't suck, I mean I enjoy talking to her, but its not enough because it doesn't for some reason stop me from missing here. I'm so glad she's working at the Cafe again on saturdays because that was my day to come in to sit around and sip tea there.

The fourth paragraph goes like this: I don't usualy write things about events and plans I have with people outside of the ones that read this blog. Which is to say that this is not a diary, its a place for me to record and work through my thoughts. But...

The first thing I am doing when I get home, after eating a burrito, is calling Diana and telling her that she is comming on a date with me at Cafeina the next morning. Because breakfast there on a sunny day is the ideal first date in my mind. And also because I know its now become final that she is not going to New York for college next year which she is upset about but if I can't be with her in a more permanant time period at least I can be with her for just the summer and I don't think I could stand being in the same state with her and being seperate. I am writing this here so if Jackie is working that day (I kind of hope shes not, sory) she isn't just finding out about this. If she were just finding out about it she would get all excited for me and make me turn bright red and I don't want that to happen right then.

The next day or so I'll go back to Cafeina and ask if they're hiring.

i hope my heart goes first

Perfume-V

2009-04-14T16:58:00.000-07:00

Most of the Mountain Goat's recorded output (and almost everything for the first decade of their existence) is recorded on a standard department store boom box. The point was immediacy, a song was conceived, it was recorded, it never was recorded again. If it wasn't recorded it was forgotten in a few days. I was kind of inspired. I ran the mic from a hand held mini cassette recorder through my standard cassette deck and recorded an acoustic noise version of the Mountain Goats "No Children" (even though thats one of their songs that isn't actually recorded on the boom box) and then I pressed record again and in one take improvised a guitar part, vocal melody, and lyrics to a song. Because I don't know what note I'm going to sing next the vocals are a bit wavery and it probably could be done a bit better if I re-recorded it but I think that would take away the intensity. Anyway, click the links below to hear them.

No Children

Song 1

P.S. Allen Ginsburg is a BEAST

and it makes me feel ok, I don't feel ok

What Jail Is Like

2009-04-12T06:59:00.000-07:00

I just had an epiphany. Sort of. Well, it was an sudden break through but about something almost completely inconsequential.

About nine months ago me and Chris Jones had a conversation about bands' fan bases. It came up when he got on Radiohead's case by dissing their fans. ("seriousness is not the same as intelligence no matter what virginal Radiohead fans say") and I said, yeah, I love Radiohead but I don't like most Radiohead fans I meet. The ones twenty five and older tend to be pissed off about kid a, which I don't understand at all. Was kid a really that unsettling? Its seems like a fairly normal album to me. Albeit a good one. The ones younger then twenty five are either hipsters or mainstream music listeners who I have no idea what they're doing around Radiohead or, yes, the virginal ultra-serious type. Of course there are always people I meet who likeRadiohead and are cool but generally I would bet against it. If we were to take guesses on weather I would get along with someone or not based purely on they're list of favorite bands, seeing Radiohead would not be a good sign to me.

So me and CJ started thinking, what would be a good sign? A band who's fan base was cool more often then not. I couldn't think of anything. Chris mentioned the Velvet Underground and I guess that's pretty accurate. In the months in between then and now this question has stuck in the back of my mind and I've pulled a few others out. Cap'n Jazz, Owls, Dirty Projectors, its a little bit hard for me to imagine too many idiots like these bands but still all of these still didn't quite do it for me and so the question still hung around the back of my mind.

Today I came up with a solution. Nirvana. Perhaps it was just in Albany but Nirvana is stuck in a weird place. They were so intensely popular with the generation directly preceding us and they strike a chord with almost every middle schooler to the extent that they become the epitome of uncool to the casual fan. As per the intense fan, they're hard enough that the indie pop crowd sees it as testosterone fueled bull shit and they're soft enough that the metal and punk crowd sees everything post-Bleach as commercialized sentimental crap. Which leaves the only people who would openly declare a love for Nirvana as being ones who didn't care about all that crap, and who could see Nirvana's unquestionable brilliance, and who didn't mind being considered the definition of uncool by all parties involved. I guess it also leaves the middle school crowd... and those still have not broken free of the middle school state of mind... but still. Its hard for me to imagine anyone over 15 with a unapologetic love for Nirvana being someone I couldn't respect.

You see? This is an epiphany to me these days. Its fucking meaningless.

lonely? maybe. or maybe not it all depends

Favorite Thing

2009-04-10T22:46:00.001-07:00

my favorite cd player broke in december. the one I use now has a weeker preamp. my headphones have lower then standard sensitivity. I like siting on the floor of my apartment listening to music because its the only way I can turn it up until my ears hurt.

bar nothing

No Pussy Blues

2009-04-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

yesterday, or maybe the day before, or maybe the day before that. It could have been anytime really... I couldn't sleep but I was really trying but I had this song lyric that shot into my head and I opened my eyes to find they had ajusted enough so I could see what I was writing just by the pail light that came from the street lamps coming in through the crack between the end of my curtain and the end of the window. and in a daze I stumble for a pen and my notebook and I scribble it down and then I stop dead. The light glansing off the edge of the paper and spilling on to my hand as if it was water was... it was the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time. and I just sit there. and I look at it. and I look and my camera it just out of arms reach. and it has no film in it anyway. and there was not enough light to begin with. and if I used the flash it would ruin it all. so that meant the moment I moved my hand or my body this would be gone. I will be the only one who ever sees this. and the once I moved I would never see it again. and I liked that somehow. and I sat there for a half hour staring at the edge of the paper and my hand holding it. and then I got up to get a glass of water. and no one will ever see that again.

that I must above all things love myself/that I must above all things love myself/that I must above all things love myself

No Children

2009-04-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

yes I am going to continue to write posts about music in specifics until my blood shot eyes obssesiveness dies down. Right now I hope it never dies down. But I Think it will. just what I think

I barly know the Manic Street Preachers for music. This is because cheep used copies of either Generation Terrorists and The Holy Bible in the United States are, as far as I'm concerned, non-existant. But I love them. Mostly for their concepts. Relese one record. Pakage it in a sandpaper sleave. Sell more copies then Apitite For Destruction. Through it all away. One album. Then brake up the band. The sandpaper will destroy not only the records stored next to it, but also the record inside the sleaves. If everything went corectly they would gain a mass folowing and in a years time there would be no trace of their existance at all.

They were lieing. It was always kind of the point. Don't you get it? That was always kind of the point.

I love them because Richey James Edwards probably did nothing musicaly for the band exept write some of the lyrics and pretend to play guitar, or other times not even pretend to play guitar. I love that when a reporter questioned their authenticity he took a knife and carved 4real into his arm and had to be rushed to the hospital. I love that richey was the messia to a lot of people. I love "We will always hate Slowdive more than Hitler". I love everything about their ideals and the fact that they were never going to stick by them and the fact that they knew that from day one. I love how one day Richey left or killed himself because it seems like that was the only apropriate thing for him to do.

Keiron Gillen said to just go buy a copy of "No Children" and listen to it 40 times a day 80 times a day if your at the terminal point in a rellation ship. But Keiron Gillen says a lot of things. I mean, ok, he is the reason I know about the Manics in the first place and, yes, I do bace my music jornalist aproach on a manefesto for video game jornalism of all things he wrote a few years ago and, sure, the whole reason I'm in this obssesive state can be tacked back to being all his fault. But still. There is nothing redeaming about Take That and Radiohead is brillient any way you slice it. But...

I listened to "No Children" 40 times today.

I'm going to listen to it 40 times tomorrow probably.

and maybe the next day.

do you self a favor. or maybe it might not be a favor but whatever. Listen to it. It should start playing when you load this page. scroll up on the playlist and play it again.

I hope you die! I hope we both die!

I want to shout that from the mountain tops. I want that to be the words on my toumb stone. I this song to narrorate my life for ever. I want to shout that from the mountain tops! I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE WE BOTH DIE! Goddamn!

just listen to the fucking lyrics of that song please.

in my life I hope I lie and tell everyone that you were a good wife

Live Forever

2009-04-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

I am obssesed with britpop. Not obssesed like... well I use that word a lot. Usualy I use it to mean I'm passionate about something. I am obssesed with the hitchhikers guide to the galexy, that kind of thing. With Jack Keroack's On The Road, with Portishead's most resent. But I'm obssesed with this actualy. Like I was for two weeks about easter island in fourth grade, like with The Beatles for a month in eighth. Like I stay up at night because I'm thinking about movents in pop music culture. About voids and bands filling it. About Dionysus and Apollo the pros and cons of narcissism, radiohead or blur or suede or oasis. About weather to be what Nirvana wanted to be or what he became and why he killed himself. About "John and I littearly used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool.'" About movements like watter in the underground and the mainstreem. About no one likes the Arcade Fire about how no one takes the Shins seriously. About Jarvis Cocker who is not Jesus but has the same initials and seems like the only actual human in the whole fucking world

I am a man of Apollo. I've always taken pride in that but its not something I created. Its my base instinct. Its what I snap back to in times of stress no matter what. My older sister is basicly of Dionysus in the same way. Thats why I have chosen the underground over the world of pop why I have chosen post-punk over new wave over metal bangers not anthems blur over oasis pulp over all. Individual over comunity. Grunge over Britpop. And all I've wanted to be for these years was an undergrond sucsess. I wanted to be Pere Ubu, not The Clash. I wanted to be The Velvet Underground, not The Rolling Stones. I wanted to be Bob Dylan, not the Beatles.

But now I want to be better then the Beatles.

Now I want to be Suede, I want to be Oasis. I want to live for today and delude myself that today is what there is. I want to love myself and the people around me because they're good enough so I'm gonna goddamn pretend we are perfect. I want to ware two thoulsand dollar suits and smash my guitar into my amp every goddamn nice. I want to take it as far as I can and make sure I end with enough money to buy a good pair of shoes for my funeral. I want music you get caught up in compleatly. I want to set fire to the graves of every band that ever played a note of progressive rock. Because this is my life man, this is MY LIFE. This is all I have. I don't get to look back after I've gone and say 'well that man did a good job of sticking to his pricipals and is a good example for the next generation'. I don't give a fuck about the next generation. If the world falls apart a year after I passed, well, its sure as hell better then it falling apart a year before I go. I want to look out across manhattan as I cross that bridge and I know that it is my kingdom. I want to fucking live forever. I want TO FUCKING LIVE FOREVER.

maybe i just want to breath maybe i just dont believe

(My Head)

2009-04-03T19:48:00.000-07:00

I see a lot of adds everyday. Everyone does. Thats ok. They keep my subway cost down and my television free. The worst add in the world is a print add in subway cars sometimes. Its for housing in a building in brooklyn heights with a great view over the river to manhattan. I walk along the proanade there sometimes when I need to get my head clear or do some art so I can tell you its beautiful. The add states "The New Defenition Of View" and that you can obtain one of these condos for as little as $400,000. This is all dandy. I don't like the gentrification of the heights. I mean Bob Dylan used to live with them just a few blocks away from this new building on Montague Street in the basement down the stairs. There was music in the streets at night and revolution was in the air. But thats all mostly done I am thirty years late. And everywhere is gentrified what can you do? The other thing it says is "It Defines You Well". That slogan is on every add for this place. The other changes per add I think. It defines you well. fuck. how does your fucking apartment define you. my apartment says I'm a slob. it says I'm a slum dweller with no taste. perhaps I should have chosen a place with a better view. Fuck you. The lifestyle product is prbably the epitome of evil in my mind. These slacks say your easy going but serious when you need to be. This flannel, when worn with big glasses, says that you listen to TV On The Radio and are cooler then everone else. This Hendrix T and battered lether jacket says I'm going to be saying a lot of things about not makin em like this anymore. Its great. It takes away your responcibility to actualy just be easy going or cool or to know why TV On The Radio are brillient. Why should you even care? when you can get people to think that you are all those things. Why should you even care when you get to cast off someone without giving them a chance. You should try it sometime. Its lots of fun. Why get an actual personality? Who needs them? It s compacting people. Send your taylored suit to the interview, bring in a picture of your view for your resume. Because they should know everything they need to know about you from just that. Have you ever stoped to think how buying that product will define you?

I need more money 'cause I need more drugs

Ko-Ko

2009-04-02T10:32:00.000-07:00

Noone should go to good musiams with other people. Or at least they should change the way they do it. The conversations I hear make me want to jump out the window. Oh I like his use of the brown here, wow look at these brush strokes, isn't it elegant the way he curves this plane, well its really his choice of colors that tell you something, ah but you must think of the cultural implications surounding this peice. FUCK YOU. Hundreds of people stand around the floors of that museam every single day pretending they know about the art on the wall. Whats so terrible is not that they don't know a thing, its that that kind of knowledge is irrelevent. Thats not what you should be after. Its looking at a book and saying "ah, you see the literary devices here used to make you feel euforic? Aha, thats quite clever and enjoyable" instead of reading the passage and feeling euforic. You need to look at these paintings and feel and take them in and be absorbed by them. Don't fucking look at how it works. How it works is irrelevent. Its like taking apart a computer to try to see how a word prosseser works instead of typing with it. You are killing art. You already killed jazz. And I hate you for it.

forget all that and just wail

Animal Nitrate

2009-03-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

I think comic books are one of the last vital underground medium, well maybe dance aswell but I'm not all that interested though check out the Lines Ballet - ridiculous. Its so alive for two reasons. Firstly because no one cares about it. Its considered by and large to be an inferior medium or one that just contains pulp. This is based for the most part in fact. The majority of its readership even are either looking for more masculine soap operas or for the kind of bs you would find in fan fictions or b movies. Even the few good comics that get brought into the main stream (all of them by movies) such as watchmen or sin city perpetuate the notion that they only are good for superheros or action. The second reason is that, unlike visual art or photography, it has the ability to be widely distributed in its intended format for an affordable price, and also the ability to circulate on the internet without very much loss of intent. Its brilliant. I think there are so many amazing things that can be done, and are being done, with comics. I know I've read significantly less comics then novels over the last year and yet the comics I did read hit me much harder. Really right now I'm just excited over the second volume of phonogram that has started coming out in issues. The first trade collection of it affected me more then any book at all I read over the last year (well, maybe not on the road). Are there contemporary underground novels even being written? Perhaps I just don't have an in to them. I got introduced to indie comics by chris jones and to underground music by chancing upon tiny mix tapes so maybe there is a grand indie lit scene but I don't think so. Also I just love the freeness of comics. Why describe something when you can show it? And why show something when you can suggest it? Theres so much to think about as to the format of each page or to how each thing is drawn, its just amazing. I've been rambling havent I?

http://bustedwonder.com/exterminus/

http://www.bustedwonder.com/

and the delights of the chemical smile

Only Shallow

2009-03-25T04:21:00.000-07:00

My sleeplessness has lapsed from a cronicly upset sleeping pattern into genuine insomnia. I didn't sleep suday night and I didn't sleep last night making it two all nighters with one night of sleep in between. Its rediculous. I don't know what to do about it. Besides taking an effect on my health and mental well being it also afects my earnings as my vocals are shot one days where I haven't gotten sleep and the following day I tend to be to tired to do much of anything at all. Besides, no one wants to drop monney in the case of a kid with bright red eyes and huge bags underneath. Fuck.

This is a weird thing to shove in the same post as it is compleatly unrelated. I've finaly droped my stance on drugs. Which is to say I've gotten so pissed off at everything that I just don't care anymore. How can pot be more fucked up and ilusionary then what I'm doing to my self anyway? Really all my old thoughts stand but I just don't care anymore. and I doubt that I'll ever do it with my theater friends because it just seems so fucking mundain with them, so fucking boring and self indulgent. Still I want to try everything, I want to experience it all and maybe see how close to bottoming out I can get.

Pablo Picasso - "Glass of Absinthe"

look in the mirror shes not there

Boy Void

2009-03-25T01:25:00.000-07:00

A study in rock iconography.

P.S. I need to get thouse suglasses that the Jesus And Mary Chain have

why don't you try these feilds across my eye

Cold Brains

2009-03-24T16:48:00.000-07:00

I made a mix the week I came back to the city from california. I was kinda a bit split from indie and listening to music with more alturnitive tendacys. Half way through the second side I stoped and decided I needed all my vinyl records to compleat the tape. I wanted to put on Patti Smith and The Doors and Arcade Fire but my records didn't come for two months and when they did my listening happets were fermly griped in the striped down rather then the high reaching feel of this tape. I finaly got around to finnishing it and I don't know how much I like it. There still is a contrast. None the less I recorded it to the computer so you could listen too it and for archival purpouses. Just click the links below

Side A

Side B

Mix

Side A 12/3/08

Common People - Pulp

If You Were There Beware - Arctic Monkeys

Cold Brains - Beck

And Your Bird Can Sing - The Beatles

Title Track - Death Cab For Cutie

Split Needles (Alt Version) - The Shins

Godless - The Dandy Worhols

Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine - The Killers

Side B 12/7/08 and 3/23/09

Little Bird - The White Stripes

The National Anthem - Radiohead

Undertoe - R.E.M.

Cactus - Pixies

Holiday - Atlas Sound

Peace Frog - The Doors

Everybody's Down - No Age

Take Me To The River - Talking Heads

untouched, unglued

Miles Away

2009-03-22T00:39:00.000-07:00

I love and hate my memory. Its definatly a good memory I know I can recal the layout of the house I lived in in New Jersey even though I haven't been inside it since I was four years old. But it doesn't work for everything. I have no head for names or faces, sometimes I'll need to be introuduced to someone four times. I don't know what I said to people, to the extent that I often tell Adrian the same story three times over the couse of a week. I used to joke that I can memorize anything without trying as long as the information was useless. But heres the brillient thing: my memory for music is infinite. The first song I memorized, not including the musicals I did as a kid, was I Am The Walrus. I still know all the words by heart. But thats not fair I guess as I listen to the album its on pretty frequently. My first post Beatle's band was Green Day. I have not listened to American Ideot once in the last four years and I still know all the words to Jesus Of Suberbia. I can still tell you the words to a song I sang in a musical when I was in sixed grade. Looking at all of this it seems like braging but theres a point I want to make. I will never forget music and because of that every record I get to know is an addition. Another influence on my music. Every CD I buy and absorb is an investment that stays with me forever. And because of that I can just move forward forever without haveing to back track. A lot of old people I know just listen to they're old music because they have forgoten it and need to rediscover it. But as I grow older my music can just grow. It's a couple hundred albums worth right now but in two years that could double. By the time I graduate collage I could have thoulsands of influences I can call up. There is just so much good music out there just waiting for me to discover it. And I'm out to get it all. And I can't wait.

dressed again in all her wonder/and your more beautiful then ever

Plastic or How To Catch An Explosion With A Soul

2009-03-20T01:16:00.000-07:00

Underground music is a study in movement. the biggest bitch of all us subterainians is when a band we like gets big. Ten million hipsters complained about the Arcade Fire and Death Cab for Cutie. worce of course is when a scene gets big. I think this is good for music. 19nindyone hit and nirvana drags alternitive and heaver post punk into the lime light. bands like sonic youth and Dinosaur Jr. become big at rapid paces and the underground drops punk all together to start concentrating on post rock and lo fi. Garden state hits in 2kfive and the shins change your life with iron and wine and Alixi Murdoch and it becomes a moment of contention and signles the rise of new weird america and the post-punk resurection. it moves us forward. anger against the mainstreem wile often misplaced and largly a tenent of douche bags brings about change. I like animal collective, i do, but I hope tehy get famous and I hope it happons soon because I'm sick of it. You've started using your sounds as a gimic starting with strawberry jam, just a back up to what would probably get across ever better on acoustic guitar. before that the presentation was a necesary part of the songs. your tunes are still good don't get me wrong but you anoiy me. fleet foxes and I'm sory jackie but dr. dog as well are nostalgic which is a potent anti-art and they lay it on thick. fleet foxes will get famous and thats good so we can be done with it. Maybe we could then get ourselves something with passion outside of the yelps of wolf parade something thats unafraid of being cleque and something taht is afraid as fuck of being ironic as a defence. something experimental without walking in circles or doing it just for the sake of being experimental. something that can blow our minds back open hell even something tht can destroy the underground. I think 'teenage angst', a term we should abanden because of its patronizing overtones, is good. is powerful is pure. I think calling it imature or clieque is a defence as to not put yourself out there as vunerable. I think diching a band becasue they get big is imature. I think irony and overt sentimentality for the past are anti-arts. I think gental music can move you and change you but only loud music and passion can set you free.

don't you know life turns me

Travel Song

2009-03-14T00:49:00.000-07:00

what a few days. goddamn. I want to write that post on talent, I've been meaning too for, what, three weeks? something like that. It's not in me today thought. insomnia is killing me but its a great creative tool i think. I wish I could play guitar now, the whole complex would probably yell at me though. what am I saying? what am I trying to say? I think I'm having a breakdown but oddly. stop-start. mostly in the mornings. well the afternoons. I don't even know mornings anymore. the evenings and even through the late nights I'm together.and its slow or not slow but continueous. three weeks I think since my stolen spot and the nine i hate everything days with adrian. I hate how fragile I have become as if anything can tip me over into this altered state where my mind is not my own of depression anger dread stress and withdrawl. FUCK. was this a mistake? I mean. Why am I here? would I be breaking down in california? my mom says I would be. and what happons when I have broken down copleatly? shoudln't I gain acceptance? bottom out like I hope? or will I continue to break apart at the begining of all my days

we're just held together by calenders and sex

Fiery Crash

2009-03-10T06:02:00.000-07:00

Stayed up all last night for the third time in two weeks, and thats after going almost a year without. This insomnia is killing me. I know its as a result of my stress but its quickly becoming the main artical of it. anyway at 4:30 in the morning when it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to get any sleep I was full of all sorts of goddamn angst. I have a couple ways to deal with that. One is talking to someone but everyone on both sides of the country was asleep or going to be real soon. Another is playing guitar real loud but the rest of the apartment complex wouldn't apreciate it. The third is, you guessed it, a mix tape. Didn't take the nessesary steps when making it because I didn't give a damn at that point so there are some volume issues, but it meant it took me half the time to make the tape. Used three tracks from daytrotter because its now my primary sourse of new music in my curent personal finacial crysis. I then recorded it from the cassette onto the computer. So, for anyone interested:

Side A

Side B

(1pm: my fucking stereo recever broke. Compleatly. Six hundred fucking dollars down the drain there. Fuck this day)

Mix 3/10/09

Side A

2:45am - Elliott Smith

World At Large - Modest Mouse

Fiery Crash - Andrew Bird

Searching for Mr. Right - Young Marble Giants

Activa - Deerhunter

Laughing - R.E.M.

Just Like Honey - The Jesus and Mary Chain

Side B

(She's in a) Bad Mood - Sonic Youth

Dub Housing - Pere Ubu

The Sound of Settling - Death Cab For Cutie

Only One Who Knows - Arctic Monkeys

Where is My Mind? - Pixies

Sludgefest - Dinosaur Jr.

Fucked For Life - Dirty Projectors

Turn On Me - The Shins

something apropos, I don't know

Hours

2009-03-04T17:08:00.000-08:00

I was busking yesterday at my secondary spot, my best one stolen a week and a half ago and I was making no monney. I was making no monney primarily because of dutch. dutch was a panhandler not the starving war veteran with children panhadler the mid twentys high on life among other things cardbord sign asking for pot monney half empty flask of liquor in pocket ("my sixth today""fuck man, how are you still standing?") kind. he was alright which is to say a creep and a moron but layd back and blissed out. he told me his friend was the drumer for dream theater and he could get me recorded. yeah yeah thanks. he sat not to far from me because he liked my music. great. people were symathisers with his cause and gave him monney or were not amused by him and thought the two of us were freinds asking for change together and passed over me. usualy I ask them to move I was here first after all and I'm actualy giving a service not just asking for charity but he was decent to me and realy far gone and I didn't have the heart. theres a point to this. I must have been in hallelujah which has become somewhat of my money song since I found I key that I can sing it like a kid out in the rain like paul mccartney in o darling and fuck I feel it and this chick walks by doesn't lift her head to me but well I'd been getting that all day and slick here looks up and shouts to be herd over me at that point to the woman Smile Your Beautiful and she does. don't get me wrong he want struck by something to say that he says it four more times before I left him. it was just part of his being a creep schtick and most of the subsequent ones flicked him off which is good I think fuck that guy but still that first one stuck me. Smile Your Beatuiful and she did and she was. its almost a cliche in music now post james blunt post everyother singer songwriter wanting to get laid the music tapes have it prominantly on a track and its contained in the track that I borrowed the title for this peice but I still like it. its still just the best thing you can say. you are beautiful. and even if your not beautiful you are beautiful. for ever and ever and ever and ever and

aimless and alive, broken and divine

Kracked

2009-02-28T11:57:00.000-08:00

Two things. First, because I don't think I can say it again as well:

jambaswirl (2:10:35 AM): existence

jambaswirl (2:10:37 AM): ergh

SollyS3 (2:10:44 AM): ha

jambaswirl (2:12:29 AM): everything is speculation

jambaswirl (2:12:29 AM): fuck it

jambaswirl (2:12:31 AM): lol

jambaswirl (2:12:34 AM): ...gar..

SollyS3 (2:35:43 AM): everything is esentialy meaningless

jambaswirl (2:36:05 AM): saying that is the most useless thing in existence because you attach meaning to things

jambaswirl (2:36:08 AM): and that's all that matters

SollyS3 (2:36:14 AM): I know

SollyS3 (2:36:20 AM): thats definatly true

SollyS3 (2:36:28 AM): but its more like

SollyS3 (2:37:00 AM): I'm feeling right now the meaning I attach is hollow

jambaswirl (2:37:14 AM): owned

SollyS3 (2:37:21 AM): dude

SollyS3 (2:37:27 AM): dirty projectors

SollyS3 (2:37:29 AM): godly

SollyS3 (2:39:12 AM): it just feels like I'm artificialy attaching meaning to everything where meaning isn't implicit

jambaswirl (2:39:39 AM): i feel like

jambaswirl (2:39:45 AM): when you think something is meaningful

jambaswirl (2:39:51 AM): you'll naturally apply meaning to it

SollyS3 (2:40:08 AM): yes

SollyS3 (2:40:31 AM): thats kinda my whole nihilist view

SollyS3 (2:40:48 AM): things are meaningful becasue we make them meaningful

SollyS3 (2:40:58 AM): they don't start that way by themselves

SollyS3 (2:41:54 AM): but what if I'm apllying meaning where I don't actualy think there is meaning

SollyS3 (2:42:23 AM): like when you listen to bad music

SollyS3 (2:42:29 AM): and convice yourself its good

SollyS3 (2:42:55 AM): really I'm just thinking about the notion of love

SollyS3 (2:43:15 AM): and something I herd someone say once

SollyS3 (2:43:41 AM): about how being in love with someone has to do with a need they fulfill in you

SollyS3 (2:44:23 AM): and when they stop fulfilling that need then the love is no longer there

SollyS3 (2:44:44 AM): and I think thats kinda true

SollyS3 (2:45:00 AM): but if it is

SollyS3 (2:45:06 AM): then theirs no real love

SollyS3 (2:45:17 AM): because then all love is condisional

SollyS3 (2:46:12 AM): and so you meet someone and you think, shit, I feel this way and it means we're conected

SollyS3 (2:46:26 AM): and from the nihilist point of view it does mean your conected

SollyS3 (2:46:34 AM): because you've asigned that meaning to it

SollyS3 (2:46:58 AM): but even though you have

SollyS3 (2:47:08 AM): that conection holds no weight

SollyS3 (2:47:21 AM): becasue its just there because you say it is

SollyS3 (2:47:32 AM): and it can blow away like the wind

SollyS3 (2:48:17 AM): the shins have this line "do afections fade away? or do adults just learn to play the most rediculous repulsing games?"

SollyS3 (2:48:29 AM): and that is paramount in my mind resently

SollyS3 (2:48:46 AM): like its screeming in there ocasionaly

SollyS3 (2:48:56 AM): "DO AFECTIONS FADE AWAY?"

jambaswirl (2:52:56 AM): lol epic

jambaswirl (2:53:54 AM): i think

jambaswirl (2:53:58 AM): that this will make you happy for a while

jambaswirl (2:54:00 AM):
"Parker: MY MOM JUST WALKED IN ON ME FAPPING"

SollyS3 (2:55:45 AM): um

SollyS3 (2:55:46 AM): yes

Second is the other song I wrote the other day:

Never meant for you to follow

found a place where you would never see me

You'd never guess just how proud you would be

I'm gonna laugh until tomorrow

Just gonna take it, my love, its easy

Could not belive how much, my love, its so easy!

Aw don't you think you took too much?

You thought you didn't need a bit of luck?

Maybe you should shake it out, my love

Or have you lost the touch?

Were you ever really right?

I want you to tell me that its all alright

How does this play into your grand insight?

Oh won't you ever fight?

Oh my love are you really there?

It wouldn't do for you to view this gently

Yes that sounds lovely but would you like to try me?

But I really was nowhere

Maybe its time for you to grasp at threads

Do you think it all just could be in your head?

Aw don't you think you took too much?

You thought you didn't need a bit of luck?

Maybe you should shake it out my love

Or have you lost the touch?

Now were you ever really right?

I want you to tell me that its all alright

How does this play into your grand insight?

Oh babe, it might be your night

just this last time

Fucked For Life

2009-02-26T09:30:00.000-08:00

Yes I have been posting too often. No, none of you (three now I think) probably check this often enough to catch all the posts. I don't really give a fuck. I mean, most of the posts are just me indulging my anger and frustration and all that shit and are probably unsuited for anyone else to read anyway. Thats ok. I need to get it out.

Anyway. I didn't sleep last night, semi insomnia semi willfully. Instead I rode the subway all around trying to write songs and draw some interesting doodles and then busked at fourteenth street in the early morning. The doodles sucked and I have something to say about that but I'll say it later. The songs, luckily, didn't. Which is to say I haven't put them to guitar yet so I don't know but the songs in their platonic for seem good to me. Heres one. Unfortunately it has heavy Deerhunter influence when it plays in my mind but hopefully when I solidify the melody and a guitar part I can ebb that out.

Lifted my breath off my lungs

In front of everyone

God is that land you won

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

Lifted my breath off my lungs

In front of everyone

God is that land you won

Down by the sea

Lifted my head off my tongue

I don't know anyone

Hell is the life I won

I don't know anyone

Its a disease

Down with the sadder trees

It might be just what I need

I can't hear you stealing me

God just takes whatever he needs

It doesn't have much to do with me

It doesn't have much to do with me at all

Lifted my breath off my lungs

In front of everyone

In front of everyone...

all in a series of futures

Stabbed in the Face

2009-02-25T20:11:00.000-08:00

I feel so fucking useless right now. So fucking useless. Nothing has any meaning.
Kurt McRobert is only four years older than me and is my hero right now.

you can be me when I'm gone

Styrofoam Boots/It's All Nice On Ice, Alright

2009-02-23T09:19:00.000-08:00

A coherent post this time, I promise. When it comes to musicians I like, individual ones not bands, they are generally separated into two categories. The ones I believe are human and the ones I don't. Don't get me wrong here I know they're all humans but some of them have either intentionally or naturally put out a persona thats absolute. That is somehow larger then human. To the extent it gets hard for me to imagine them as real, as a thing outside of their recordings and shows and interviews. Bob Dylan in my mind is not a person, hes a specter, and apparition. If I some how actually met him, to shake his hand and exchange a few words, I don't know what I would do. I would run and hide because I'm sure that man doesn't really exist. Others in this category are Jack White, Lou Reed, James Mercer, Beck, Jeff Magnum, Johny Greenwood, Thurston Moore, Charlie Parker and a few others. The other categories are the ones who are very human. The ones I want to give a hug and tell them that I understand. Ones who, as the cliche gos, I would like to sit down and have a beer with. Issac Brock, Alex Turner, David Berman, John Lennon, Thom Yorke, Elliott Smith, Kurt Cobain and others. I understand. You are all perfect in your humanity.

well I'll be damned, you were right

Little Cream Soda

2009-02-22T12:42:00.000-08:00

I JUST SPIN IN CIRCLES. I just spin in circles. All my goddamn revilations are meaninless because they don't push me forward. They don't push me forward. i'm still here. Things aren't going to chance. Same as it ever was as david Byrn would say. SAME AS IT EVER WAS. Ahhhh. I only like people when their down. When their more then down. Because a lot of people can be down in a self indulgent way. the fishing for compliments kind of low self esteem. No I'm talking about broken down. Break down to build up. when people are broken they have something else. a kind of humility thats amazing. aA kind of serenderance. Its all truthfull and all. I don't know. Adrian shows it better. I fuckin love adrian. hes the best guy I know. By a good goddamn margin too. Break down to build up. I haven't hit bottom yet but you can bet your ass I'm trying. No, I'm not trying. I want to go back up. but I'm heading twoards the bottom anyway. No I'm not. I just go in circles. I just go in circles in circles in circles all the goddamn time. I'm here again. same as it ever was. I don't know. thats all I goddamn know. I don't know I don't know. I'm done . I'm done. I'm done. I've got this ideal inside of me and we're all just noting at all.

but with every chance to set himself on fire he just ends up doing the same thing

Dub Housing

2009-02-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired about the 'what is art' debate. Mostly I'm tired of people saying 'thats not art'. Or of people being overly modest/unambitious by saying 'well, its not art or anything. Its just this thing I did'. Fuck it. Duchamp and his toilate are art. You might not think its good art and thats ok but saying its not art is just bullshit. Thouse drawings you made are art. Don't coward out by saying they're just some unimortant doodles. And stop fuckin worrying about if your art is bad. I'm mean, of course it is if you just started. That doesn't mean you don't have tallent or anything.

anyway, may I present Wassily Kandinsky. I know hes hardly an obscure discovery but I just found his work and its amazing.

how we idolize, theorize, syllogize in the dark, in the heart

Dr. Glass

2009-02-11T22:10:00.000-08:00

My possible essay to aply for the honers program at SVA. The promt was "Why Art" in 500 words or less.

Nietzsche said "We have art in order not to die of the truth". That's something to think about. I think without art we would die of the world in front of us, yes. But who says that's the truth? Does anyone ever tell you the truth? Maybe in rare occasions when you know them very well and its a warm cozy night something will come out that they really mean. But, shit, for the most part we just lie and tell half truths all the goddamn time. Nietzshe would know that better then anyone. Anyway Nietzshe did die of truth. Went insane of it, anyway. Art is the only truth I think. I have cousins and they're not white trash per say and they're not rednecks or any of that, I mean for god sakes they were raised and born in California. What they are is artless. They just don't get it. They just don't get it and thus they are doomed to walk in small meaningless circles for the rest of they're goddamn life. That's its. They've died of truthlessness. Art is the only truth. The only truth is those conversations late at night with Emma and Keeley and Olivia. That's it. The only truth is dancing to arctic monkeys with Adrian at their concert. The only truth is playing video games with Ethan. I don't know. There is no truth. This is all a goddamn lie. We lie so we don't die of truth. So I don't just fucking lay down and die right now. I feel like it. Elliott Smith died of his music. Was there any truth in that? Its all crap. We need art because we need it. We do. We can say these things but they're meaningless. Art is not the truth. We know that. Its just pictures and sound and words. Its not real. But art is not a lie! And it sure as hell does not protect one from the truth. I don't have an explanation for you. I can't tell you why we need it. I have some ideas as to. Well mostly I have feelings as to why but they aren't necessarily the reason and I can't word them even if they were. We just need art. We just need it and that's why. There's just nothing else. Art is all. Art for the sake of living I guess. Art is running around with Simka. Art is watching the Lion King with Jackie when she was sick. Art is. I don't know. Art is so much goddamn feed back that you can't distinguish the words. Art is Kurt Cobain singing 'I hate myself I want to die'. Art is everything in this goddamn world I don't know what else. Art is bullshitting with Benji. Art is poking fun at Ulysses until his face turns red. Art is coffee at Starbucks at midnight with Aidan. Art is I don't goddamn know. I don't goddamn know. Its nothing at all.

so manny useless bodies

A Fever Analog

2009-02-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

I way to shaken by the silver jews spliting up. A band I got into about a month ago because I had herd the name spoken with prase and saw a cd of theirs on the shelf at the library and thought why not? Two weeks later they anounse their retirement from music and on the last day of january they played their last show. And somehow I'm devestated. Its all I've thought about for two days. The silver jews split up, man. They will never make more music. Or if they do its going to be the standard reunion crap. the standard reunion crap. Its never going to be the same. the silver jews split up. the guys a goddamn poet, not like issac brock or bob dylan but like poet poet. like I could imagine him on papper blowing my mind and hes done. heeeeeessssssssssssssssssssss doooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne

if the room started spining. I'd leave

Shaking Hell

2009-02-08T23:17:00.000-08:00

I only get nihilistic fits of rage when I'm alone. the surpressed passionate fury against everything I think and see and taste and am and know that I'm often trying to convay here. to be fare though I only get the passionate feeling of love for art and longing for all I see and taste and hear and am when I'm alone aswell. I used to consider this the real me, more intrisic to who I am then my lighter persona around other people, and I used to be almost mad at myself, thinking me a coward for not showing it around others. no, its not the real me, fuck that. I mean it is but how I act around you is too to the same level. being nihilistic around other people is self indulgent and cheep and not asimaler to someone who always has low self asteem around others. anyway friends keep distracted delving into the conversation or having fun and whats wrong with that? I can feel the passion in either direction on this blog but when I interact, talking to you is more important then the feelings I have about everything. I'm toned down because your awesome and I like you.

come closer and I'll tell you

There is a Place

2009-02-08T22:32:00.000-08:00

its weird talking to friends from the theater or midrasha cliques at home. I'm still frends with them and in many ways how we talk and how we think of each other on a personal level are the same. But the group is gone. Its splintered and its rotted away. where there once was this joy in the group being together there is nothing. Theres been some kind of integral change in the way we look at each other, we've become on a close level astranged. Everyone always seems sort of tired. I think of people at high school reunions seeing old friends that they still feel afection for but just don't have anything to say to them. We're reaching that point and I'm the only one gone.

I saw gods shadow on this world
I saw god's shadow on this world!

N.I.T.A.

2009-02-02T10:55:00.000-08:00

I seem to have found my lyrics once more. I shall now chain them up so they never escape again.

I get distracted again
I let myself distracted again
I let myself slip off once again
I'll never do it again

You start to trying I know
You can't stop dieing I know
You don't stop facing it and placing it outside
You'll never

And I want
The silver slips that take all you
Apart
The festival the liquor and the
Darts
You come tell me when it starts to fall
Apart

You can't love me and give that complaint
Stark naked and god I need restraint
It isn't all for nothing
It isn't all for nothing! O!

And I'll wait for you to call out
This time I've just a couple doubts on you
I wait for you to answer to my calls
This isn't all
Is this all?

nature intended the abstract for you and me

Comfy in Nautica

2009-01-29T11:06:00.001-08:00

So I was thinking of Patti Smith and REM wile I was playing guitar to do some spoken words over heavy noise guitar. So I sat down and wrote some unfinished lyrics. I varry between thinking its good and its crap but I'm gonna put it here anyway.

Burt out light bulbs make a clear statement
The make it hard to read
Hell is all things static
Hell is everything I see
A hundred piles of broken CDs
Is enough to just disurage me
Hell is the notion that nothing around me is clean
The light shining off a ball point pen
Lapses into chaos for just one second and only in my mind
Six thoulsand wheels turning in circles
Can't really give me back my time
Hell is enthropy
Every time my heart beats it gives energy
Its gonna stop eventualy
Its hating music that you like music
Its hating everything about you
Freedom in everything you hate
Its the stifiling fear that one day I will slow down
I hope you never turn around
Hell is all things dynamic
The must be at least sixteen things pulsating around in me
A dog walk
A cherry bomb
Lether bound book
A warm day
Scotch tape
A split tung
gamma ray
A broken sign they took down so it doesn't swing anymore
I hope you never want more
Because I hope you never get more
Your ideas fit around you like a warm sock
Your made up preafrances
Hell is everying I haven't made
Hell is everyone I have ever talked to

just to have a good time

The Sprawl

2009-01-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get one of thouse what am I doing here moments? Like I look back on what I was a year ago or two years ago and I think how did I get from there to here? I want to go back sometimes. I don't know anymore. I want to go traviling. Just see america on train and hitchiking and couch surfing. Taking with me one guitar two changes of close and a book or two. I want to do this more than anything. But I couldn't do it alone. And thats the goddamn problem. Who of my friends would go along? It would have to be Jackie or Adrian I guess, everyone else I couldn't stand after so long. I guess Aidan or Chris Jones would be Ok but I couldn't talk any of these people into comming. Fuck practicality. If we couch surfed and hitchhicked the only monney we would need would be for food, and I can always busk. Food is cheap. This is what I've been thinking about. This is what I want to do. I hate the goddamn cold. I never understood all the metephors about winter until now. It stifles everything. Its like the world lays down until spring. I need spring.

does this sound simple? fuck you

Majesty

2009-01-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

The Music Tapes sound just like happiness in a way not even the beach boys could pull off.

The first 90 min tape I have succeeded in making for myself
Mix 1/11/09

Side A
Let the Serpents Leave - Elf Power
Squalor Victoria - The National
Favorite Thing - The Replacements
The Opera House - The Olivia Tremor Control
Weird Fishes/Arpeggi - Radiohead
A Different City - Modest Mouse
A Fever Analog - Owen
Teenage Riot - Sonic Youth
Sometimes a Pony Gets Depressed - Silver Jews
Three Peaches - Neutral Milk Hotel
When You Were Young - The Killers
From the Ritz to the Rubble - Arctic Monkeys
Mr. Tambourine Man - The Byrds

Side B
Someday Baby - Bob Dylan
Sister Ray - Velvet Underground
For What Reason - Death Cab for Cutie
Flicking Clint - Velvet Teen
Never Stops - Dearhunter
Rudie Can't Fail - The Clash
Soul of a Man - Beck
Ripped Knees - No Age
Majesty - The Music Tapes
Gone For Good (Alt Version) - The Shins

a revelution of the day

Naomi

2009-01-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

For the last year and three days I've been keeping this method of bloging consistand. the title is after a song that in someway reflects how I'm feeling or intentionaly reflects something against how I'm feeling. The song goes in the playlist to the right or if the song couldn't be found then a simalar one by the same band and a lyric goes in the afterthought at the bottom. It was inteded that the song play wile you read the post of the same name, though in practice I never found that act worthwile. I thried to keep the layout verry simple as to sugest black vinyl. The blog title was, obviously, to designate that you were experiencing a long playing record being read off a turntable buit it also came over time to represent to me my tendancy to adress the same problems over and over always returning. The only thing that strikes me as wrong is my insistance of using a different band each post. This was just me trying to show off and its going to stop here. The entire format has come to irritate me a bit but I think it holds thoughts togeather nicely and keeps me from posting irrelivents or one liners to a certain extend. It also saves me from having to come up with titles for each post witch I would hate. But from here on the song I choose will have no restraint even if I have used that band fifty times before.

I know that paragraph wasn't verry interesting but it gets better from here bare with me.

The name of this post is Naomi and the song Naomi is the song for this moment. Its embarasing to me how much Neutral Milk Hotel has had an effect on me over the last couple months. When I thought about why I feel -embarassed I realize its because of how much other people like them. Be more specific. Because of how much Parker likes them. I just keep seeing his face on that day in my garage. He saw the album cover there and he probably said one of his intentional slang words or said something sexual in his excitement about me owning this album. This thought taints my enjoyment of this album and I feel horrible for that. It doesn't feel right that my friends love of a band should make me feel embarassed about it. The other reason is that the band has become far to linked with Simka. That same day she stumbled in my garage and fell to the floor and asked for a pen because she needed to write down the name of this beaustiful music that was playing. We talk about it a lot. Oh Comely sits in my head as the beging of our relationship though we were never really in a relationship and Naomi is the end. Played off a disk she bought for me three months ago but I was only able to play it starting last week, its sentimental and its sweet and it makes me home sick and I resent Simka's assosiation in my mind with it. If you can I beg you to listen to it now in the playlist and you might see what I mean.

The third topic I want to discuss is homesickness. First the blog nhen Neutral Milk Hotel and now homesickness. I apologise for the lenth of this. I don't meand homesickness for albany. Right now I feel little sentimental attachment to that town or that house. Neither of thouse even seem quite real, I had caught a high fevor and dreamed it in the fog. This feeling is more then that I was seven, living in ous second house in California when I lied down in the center of the hallway outside the computer room where my dad ws working and started crying. They couldn't get me to move. I said I wanted to go home. My dad said I was home. I had been living there for more then a year which was an eternity for a seven yar old and it did feel like home but that wasn't it. I thought I was weeping for the house in New Jersey but I wasn't. I have that same yerning now sometimes. Because there isn't a place that is home its just a feeling that we sometimes atach to a place. Its that feeling I wept for. I will never have that feeling again. Maybe I knew that when I was seven and so I cryed. It will never ever ever be better then this. It will never ever ever be better then this.

always a wrench I have become, so empty

405

2009-01-02T09:20:00.001-08:00

do i have something to say about the last year? maybe i do somewhere. i forget. i'll try though: its over. it was interesting. we got through it. its over.

was it a good year? i don't know. i cant think about it like that yet. give me a few months for me to invent some fiction about the whole thing and then i can tell you. why do we even group things into years. it s to big to think about. what was my favorite album i listened to last febuary? i dont remember. what was i doing all october? i dont know. somehow maybe all unrelated to this i feel like such an ideot right now. i dont know

and swore that its never ever been better than this

Godless

2008-12-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

In1927 Joan Miro was quoted saying "I want to assassinate painting"

as thoughtless as you were back then

333

2008-12-16T12:15:00.000-08:00

New song, just the first verce and chorus are done, though.

I
I can never live again
I could never see the end

I
I could build myself anew
I could live my whole life through
without going back to you

If I could find a place where I can breath
its getting out of hand
I'd take and tell you all you mean

and I
could never say whats in you
even when its all that I see

I took the greed out of my grin/and sunk my teath into my work instead